Tag Archives: how to say no

What will people think?

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thinking via voxxiWhat is the basis of this question? The basis of this question is approval or disapproval.

Will people disapprove of my actions?

What actions are we usually concerned about? Actions that involve what society will think?

Should you stay or leave an abusive situation?

Should you give up your whole life to take care of others?

Should you continuously loan money to people who waste it and come back for more?

 

When we base our decisions on “what others think”, we make decisions that put other people’s happiness before our own. Our happiness will come last. There will always be someone else who needs to be accommodated.

 

How then, do you take actions that are in your best interest?

You MUST know what those best interests are.

 

Be strong. Be brave.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

What would you do?

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Answer me, oh my love, just what sin have I been guilty of?blame-on-women via spirit21.co.uk
Won’t you tell me where I’ve lost your love?
Please answer me sweetheart….so goes the first verse of an old song by Nat King Cole.
I grew up with this song….I can hear my father crooning the words along with the radio and I remember thinking that my Dad was such a great singer.

These words popped into my head, quite suddenly, as I was pondering how to start writing about a violent interaction I recently witnessed at Union Station in NYC.

I was walking along, happy that my legs were carrying me and that my eyes were still amazed at the sights around me.

Then my ears heard loud shouting and screaming. The voice belonged to a man and I began to look around to see if I could possibly be in the line of fire.

Then I saw her, SHE was in the line of fire, not me. She was pushed up against a fence, his face was pushed up fiercely against her face, and she was cowering and trying to squirm away.

THEN he drew his head back as if he were cocking a gun and he let the SPIT fly from his mouth right into her face.

She was stunned!
She tried to wipe it off, but his face was once again smashed up against hers and she could barely get her fingers between the faces to wipe off the spit bullets.

I am barely 5 foot 1 inch tall….man, did I wish I were a six footer and young so that I would have felt strong enough to pull him off of her.
I thought, “This is definitely NOT What Would You Do, and there is no John Quinones to come out and allay my fears for this girl.”
I felt helpless.

After a few more well chosen words, he huffed and puffed away.

She finished wiping her face and pushed the baby stroller in front of her. The innocent was still asleep.
I hurried along side of her and begged her to let me help.

I offered to walk with her, to take her somewhere, asked what could do to help.

She kept shaking her head from side to side, saying a shame-filled, non-verbal NO as her tears began to flow.

I cannot stop thinking about her.

Where is she? Did he kill her? Is the baby safe? Did she finally decide to leave him?

SHE is not the only one in such horrendous situations. SHE is EVERYWHERE!
Are you one of those women?
Are you being tormented by someone who used to love you?
Is he telling you that he still loves you and that this is entirely your fault?
Do you believe those lies?

Have you lost your will to fight anymore?
Do you feel worthless?
Do you sit and wonder what you can do to win back his love?

I encourage you to put your last pieces of energy into learning to love yourself.

Even if you feel that you are not worthy of love, try to find a friendly ear to talk to so that you can get some of those dark feelings out.

No one should have to live with violence, whether it is sexual, verbal or physical!

Some people have told me that my definition of abuse is too broad, I disagree.
I believe an abusive action is ANYTHING that makes you feel unsafe and fearful.
If people cannot control their anger and blame you for THEIR explosion, that is pure BS!
We are all PERSONALLY responsible for self regulation!
They are responsible for their inappropriate behaviors and you are responsible for your safety and happiness.

If you cannot even think what to do next, please call a shelter close to you. There are many support groups ready to help you find some answers.
Please do not seek help from your friends who accept abuse themselves.
Do not let anyone tell you “it’s not so bad.”

Seek help from qualified people.
Often it is better to go outside the family to get objective advice.
Telling the abuser’s mother that you are scared of her son will do you little good, she is HIS mother. You need to find objective support.

Be safe.

Love and light,
Indrani

Is your EXCUSE bigger than your JOY?

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I was chatting with a dear friend a while back and I heard myself say that sometimes people’s excuses are bigger than their Joy.depression via Jeffrey BlacklerAlamy

Wow, I thought, that’s good…

What do I mean by that simple sentence?
I mean that some people like to wallow on the “poor me” side of the street. The pity party gets to be an all-nighter, then an all-dayer and maybe even an all- weeker.

When this happens JOY has no place to live and thrive.

JOY is pushed out for days and weeks and months and maybe even years.
There is always a reason why, the negative aspects should be the main focus. There is always a reason why YOUR problems are SO different, SO unique and SO difficult that finding a way out is impossible. It is much easier to keep making excuses.

You see, when you can come up with loads of excuses, you at least FEEL like you are doing something. You ARE expending brain power and psychic energy. Unfortunately it is only to create more excuses and better excuses. You are exhausted from creating the excuses.

You are too exhausted to find the positive aspects of your life.
Yes, your excuses are bigger than your JOY.

Guess what?
This is easy to fix.
Are you tired of being sad and unhappy and creating more excuses?
I invite you to step back from the precipice of, “My life is so awful” and step into “What positive things DO I still have in life?”
Those positives can be as simple as:
-Two legs that work.
-Two eyes that work.
-Someone who loves you, like a child or a parent.
-A beloved pet.
-Your ability to read good books.

Yes. It. Can. Be. That. Simple!
It is really ONLY up to you. Only you can decide if your JOY will be the antidotes for negativity.
Won’t you try it?
What do you have to lose?
Love and light,
Indrani

I want a new drug….

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Huey Lewis and the News sang that back in the 80’s.
needles via themiamihurrican.com
I want a new drug.
I have let certain people in my life be my drug of choice. I took people into my life that affected me like a narcotic.

Shoot up with one person and if they were happy, then I felt euphoric.
Shoot me up with another person and if they were sad, I felt sadness.
A fix of an angry person and I became paranoid and riddled with anxiety.

Once I realized that these people had this narcotic-type affect on me and what was happening to me when I was around them, I knew I had to stop.

Quitting cold turkey is hard.

Withdrawal sets in and the cravings begin.

I found myself using again.  Just a little time with this person, a text, an email, a short call….I can handle it.  It won’t hurt. I have it under control. It won’t affect me. Then I’m back on the streets again….hanging out with people who had such a bad effect on me.

When I was clean from these people, I felt lighter and truly happier. I found myself a little sad that I could not spend time with them, but certainly a healthier person for it.

Those people who so wanted me to take them into my life are still out there and I am aware of the negative affects they have on me.
I see text messages and voice mails and those old feelings of “I can just do a little bit, maybe this trip will be different, I can control myself,” creep up my spine.

I quickly delete messages and emails, anything that could entice me. It’s like flushing drugs down the toilet to prevent from taking them.

I am addicted to leading a happy, purposeful life and choose not to be an emotional slave to those around me.
It’s not always easy but it is worth the effort.
My new drug in life is me.

Are you addicted to certain people? What effect do they have on you?

Can you break free?

I used to feel like Sisyphus….

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You know Sisyphus, the legendary King of Corinth. He was doomed to rolling a heavy rock up a hill. The hell of this task was that as he neared the top of the hill the rockGirls can do anything! rolled down again!

Over and over and OVER!!!

What kinds of Sisyphean tasks do you do over and over? You haven’t even been cursed, like Sisyphus, and you can most likely list many!

Maybe we curse ourselves.

We pick up the same stupid argument and we KNOW where it will end.
Yet, we don’t seem to want to take a different route.

Maybe we feel we don’t know how to take up a different task.
Over the next week, notice what “tasks” you are taking up and ask yourself if you have done them before.

Remember that a Sisyphean task is DOOMED to being repeated. It is the kind of task that has no natural end.

Good luck with the noticing.

Love and light
Indrani

Quit your CFU job….

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Don’t worry….there are no curse words in CFU, it means CHIEF FIXER UPPER.2superwoman via annesadovsky
How do you know that you have been promoted to this exhaled position?
Well, it’s the subtle signs;

  • only you can find the cold cuts in the fridge
  • only you can pick up socks from the floor
  • only you can load a dishwasher
  • only you can go to the grocery
  • only you can make an effort at a peaceful relationship

Get the idea?
I am sure that you can come up with a few more examples from your own life.

Did you apply for this job?
If you did, what was the job description like?
Was it a one liner that sounded like, “FIX MY LIFE NOW and FOREVER”?

Check out the Mary Oliver poem called THE JOURNEY.

I believe that Mary Oliver found herself in the CFU job and she had to quit.
I think that her poem was her resignation letter.

What would your resignation letter look like?
It can be a Poem.
It can be a short letter.
It can be a long profound thesis with tons of explanations and life examples… but this may make you more upset when you remember all the stuff that you CHOOSE to take on.

Wait?

What?

CHOOSE to take on?

Uh huh, choose. It may sound harsh that I am telling you to choose to take it on, but really did someone hold a gun to your head to make you do it? If the answer is yes, that a GUN was held to your head, make immediate plans to leave that environment.

So now, let’s just see how you got THAT thankless job.

Were you always a fixer? Were you a “born” helper? Did you get lots of pats on the back for always having the solution? Were people always calling you up so you could fix their issues? Do you feel useless if you are not fixing something or someone?

What would happen if you simply STOPPED all the fixing?
Who would you be upsetting?

Make a list of all the significant folks in your life and put a Y or an N next to their names if they would be upset or not? Then add up all the No people and tell them THANKS for all the support they have given you. Thank them for not expecting you to be the constant Fixer.

Now for the YES people, what to do with them?
The truth is that the issue is with YOU, not them. You have not been able to say NO to these folks who expect you to fix everything. You have trained them to expect you to fix it all.

It may sound harsh but we really do train others how to treat us.
We train them by not speaking our truth.
We train them by not being able to say a NO that respects both them and ourselves.
We train them by assuming that if we do just one more thing, they may leave us alone.
We also assume that we are teaching them something, like maybe how to do it themselves the next time.
They learn nothing but “there she goes again” taking this new load of “crap” off my plate.

A dear friend of mine was on a professional coach call yesterday and a significant member of her family (a grown up), interrupted her to say that SHE needs to call the insurance company to get something done.
Why does SHE need to call?
Why did he interrupt her?

Easy answer…..she trained him over the course of many years to expect that she would “fix” all that was broken, not working, or just plain pissing him off.

Yes, she has a great strength, which is to find solutions, but what do we teach others when WE are the only ones to find the solutions?
What happens when people are so dependent on us and we fall ill or die?
We leave them in a lurch and we leave them helpless.
It may be better if we teach them how to fix their own issues so that both people can take full responsibility for the smooth running of the family.

I know that it is easier said than done. I understand that the people you care about may get angry and say some hurtful things.
What I am asking you to do is to care for yourself and your physical, mental and emotional health as much as you care for theirs.

One of my favorite quotes is this one from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter to us.”

What things matter to you?
I invite you to speak them to a trusted friend, not complaining about all that you must do, but rather, what steps you will take to do less and have the able bodied people in your life do more.

Love and light,

Indrani, Former CFU.

When a LADY says NO….

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The lady said NO.
She said NO to 15 other designers.
She said NO to lots of unknowns.
She said YES to HERSELF.

She is Michelle Obama.

She dressed herself so that she could feel her best.
I want to believe that NONE of the dresses had the names of the designers attached.
I want to believe that she picked on the grounds that made her the happiest.
Why?
Because there is always someone ready to say… (And they did):
“She should’ve given someone else a chance…”
“She should have been more aware of launching someone else…”

I am GLAD Mrs. Obama was strong enough to say YES to the DRESS that made her GLOW!!

What permission did Michelle give to women everywhere?
Choose for YOURSELF!
Do not be influenced by the hallowed pundits or the voices that would have you tow a certain line of action.
CHOOSE the best thing for you!
Choose with strength and softness and LOVE of yourself!

Michelle Obama… You were on FIRE in the RED Jason Wu, and I am sure you knew that you floated into that ball on a cloud of modern feminism.

The modern feminism that allows women to:
Choose for themselves.
Choose what they want in their lives….especially when the whole world is looking at them!

We can take a page from her book and make choices that show self respect and self love and do it with grace and humility.
Love, light and Choices!

Indrani

Fair fight…..if only!

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Fair fight…..if only!women-working-out1 via blog.itriagehealth

Yes, if only all of our fights could be fair and above the belt.
That’s so hard to do though, isn’t it?

We feel attacked and we strike back.
It’s that old fight or flight, right?
I can either run away or I can slam you right back.

Are there other choices?

There are other choices….but only for those who REALLY want to change.
There are other choices….but only for those who understand that they can only change themselves.
There are other choices….but only if you intend to invest the time to build a new muscle.

Have you ever gone to a gym and started a weight training program?
Did you start with the MOST weight on the rack?
If you did, did it work out for you?
I hope that you started out with smaller weights, even 3 lbs…especially for the small muscles like the triceps.
The small muscles fatigue a lot quicker than the larger thigh or butt muscles.

Let’s expand this triceps training metaphor to your resolve to fight fair.
When you start, the resolve is small and you can only hold the fight fair tenets for a short time. Then you fall back into the old habits that you have down pat.
You lob name for name, insult for insult and then you choose your partners weakest spot and WHAM! Then one of you falls first, and the other feels vindicated.
If you were to verbalize what the original fight was about you might not even remember.
Your head would be filled with “well she said my mother is horrible” or “how dare he say that I am a bitch?”

The list is endless.

The real issue is again buried under the rubble from this most recent battle.

So do you give up?
If you do what will happen?
Things will not change.
You will feel the same way next week, next month and next year about the things that irritate you today.

How then do you withstand the emotional onslaught without striking back?
It is as simple as a DECISION to STOP the WAR!
I mean STOP contributing to the war.
I mean stop the lobbying of the insults.
I mean SHUT UP!
I mean to walk out of the room.
I mean to withdraw your emotional investment from the fight at hand.
I also mean to STOP pretending that anyone is actually winning!

The pretense that there is actually a winner in all this personal rancor and nastiness is epic!
Epic Pretense is pretending that nasty will get your loved ones to:
1. Love you the way you want
2. Give you compliments
3. Clean up their mess
4. Do whatever you say they should do.

When is the best time to start these new action items?

Well, it would be great if you (the warring parties) could have a peaceful conversation when there is nothing “hot” going on.
Then together you can decide on some ground rules.
If there is no chance for a peaceful conversation, then YOU have to take the high road and begin to implement the peace treaty by yourself.
How can that look?
You can tell yourself that you will not accept name calling. If it happens you will leave the room.
You can also decide that cursing is not allowed in your home and if it happens you will leave the room.
These changes will not be magically manifested…you will have to work at it (like starting with the 3 lb weights during a tricep exercise). You will tire easily, but keep it up.
Slowly you will see that changes are occurring and then you will have to take a deeper look at what it all means for the rest of life.

There is a lot of work that goes into lifting 3lbs with your triceps to being able to lift 35lbs. It is possible, but only with consistent training and proper care of your whole body.
Likewise, it is possible to stop being at war with each other, but only if it is something you really want. You must want it as surely as you want a plentiful supply of oxygen and clean water.
Oxygen and water are essential to living.
Fighting fair is essential to a LIFE worth living!

Love and light,
Indrani

Why can’t you read my mind?

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When my kids were very young I told them
that I could read their minds. That got them to “own up” pretty quickly to who had done what. That lasted all of 3 days. I must admit…they were pretty smart for their age.

One thing that was worse however was that I expected other people to read my mind and to automatically know what I expected and what made me happy. I mean, if I actually had to ASK for what I wanted, then what was the good of it? I not only expected it, I was UNAWARE that I expected it. Further, I had NO idea what I really wanted! So even if someone did something awesome, I could not fully appreciate it.

The first inclination I had that something was really skewed with my thinking was when a therapist asked me “what I wanted from life”.
What?
What kind of stupid question was that?
“I want what everyone wants!” was my sarcastic quip.
“Really?” he replied. “What does everyone want?”
“People want to be happy! I want to be happy!”
He, in his infinite patience replied, “So what would make you happy?”

Then I was stumped.

I DID NOT know the answer to that question.

My brain felt like it was on the spin cycle and no one was going to press the done button.

That was the beginning of my quest for what would make me happy.

I tried to continue to please everyone, but with GUSTO. I mean if I really LOST myself in making others happy…then surely I would be happy?

It did not work.
Some of those people that I was DYING to please STILL were not happy.
They wanted more and more and still more.
I tried to find the “more” and I became LESS. I had less energy for my dreams, less energy for my self-care and less connections to the people I cared about. In trying to please the FEW, I neglected myself and everything else that was important to me.

The term “DYING to please” was very real to me. I put anything healthy for myself on the back burner. Hell, it was NOT even on the stove top. It was stored away with all the junk that I no longer needed.

I had to learn to put myself back on the stove, then FIRST on my list.
I had to learn to say out loud what it was that I wanted and not expect people to read my mind.
I had to learn to set very clear boundaries around what I would and would not do.
I had to learn about what made me happy.

I saw everything as a lesson. Some lessons I loved and others I hated.
I did less and less of what I hated and more of what I loved.

This is how I learned to speak my truth and how to stop expecting others to read my mind.
Thinking back now, I can’t believe that I ever wanted someone to be able to read my mind.  All my secrets would be fair game and that is a scary thought.

Love and light,

Indrani

The mathematically correct way to say NO…

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N + O = Time + Energy Boost.

We have all been there, someone asks for something and we are swamped BUT we say YES because of:

  1. Guilt
  2. Fear
  3. Powerlessness
  4. Cultural norms

Yes, this list can be endless. It does NOT matter why you say YES when you want to say NO, because the effects on you are the same.

You feel taken advantage of or angry and explode at those you love or you become more powerless and it feeds your “things will always be like this” way of thinking.

By the way, the anger and explosive thing, usually happens to someone who had nothing to do with the reason you are angry. The person who gets all of your fallout is usually someone who you feel safe with and who has accepted your explosions in the past. Please note that exploding on people is a form of abuse. (Read my post on Domestic Violence here).

Being unable to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial to saying a soft and positive NO.

Yes, I said a Positive NO.

One of my very favorite books is by William Ury “The Power of a Positive NO”. I recommend you order it NOW. It has changed my life and my relationships.

If you are unable to identify how YOU wish to spend your own time, there is a LONG LINE of folks who have GREAT ideas for what you SHOULD do with your time.

Spend a few moments NOW and make a list of people who constantly steal your time, even though you have tried to stop them it continues to happen.

1

2

3

4

5

6

Ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What do these people have in common?  e.g. family, co workers, perceived power over you, people you adore and love…
  2. How do I feel when these people ask for MORE of my time? Do you feel angry, happy that you can “please them”, afraid when you hear their voice?
  3. How do I hold my posture when I am interacting with these people? Am I standing tall? Do I haunch my shoulders? Does my stomach or my head hurt?

Understanding WHAT you do when you are approached by a TIME THIEF is crucial to understanding how to set and maintain a boundary. See other posts on the Art of saying No.

Have Fun saying NO!

 

Love and light,

Indrani