Tag Archives: letting go of negative

De-friending fear…

featured, homepage, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

Oh how Facebook has reduced us to junior high feelings all over again.

online drama via living.msnThose feelings weren’t that great the first time around. Now they are possibly worse because, on top of the same old teenage insecurities floating to the surface we have that feeling that OMG, really, I am a grown adult and am so emotionally involved in who is my friend or not on Facebook.

REALLY? Grow up!

The inner monologue goes something like this:
Will you be my friend?
Did you like my post?
Why did not you like my photo?
Why didn’t you comment on my post on your wall?
How come you didn’t Facebook me?

The inner voice is louder now: “What’s wrong with me that you do not want to be my friend or like the shit I post?”

Any of these statements ring true to you?

I shake my head in wonder of myself.
I recently had to de-friend someone who I thought was my friend but who did not act like my friend.

My finger hovered over the button to click as I planned on de-friending that person.
Oh the shame to de-friend….
The shame that I did not want to be their friend.
The shame that I was being mean or I was acting like a bitch.
The shame I would hurt their feelings.
The shame that as much as they wanted to be my friend…..I did not want them to be mine.
But the shame is that other person did not respect me, my rules, terms, conditions or non-conditions (as the case may be) of being MY friend.

Why should we feel shame de-friending someone who is not being a friend.

I click “de-friend”. I did it.

Oh the guilt. I have been de-friended and I know what it feels like to be de-friended. It’s like HEY I thought we were friends what the HELL is wrong with you to de-friend me? What did I do wrong?
Oh the guilt, will they call, text or email me asking me why? What will I say?
The guilt if I made someone feel less of a person because I did not want to be their friend.

It is amazing how this thing called Facebook can evoke these and so many emotions.
There is my Facebook friending insecurities rant.

Now I have one less friend….so friend me, I have a spot to fill!

Is your EXCUSE bigger than your JOY?

featured, homepage, , , , , , , , , ,

 

I was chatting with a dear friend a while back and I heard myself say that sometimes people’s excuses are bigger than their Joy.depression via Jeffrey BlacklerAlamy

Wow, I thought, that’s good…

What do I mean by that simple sentence?
I mean that some people like to wallow on the “poor me” side of the street. The pity party gets to be an all-nighter, then an all-dayer and maybe even an all- weeker.

When this happens JOY has no place to live and thrive.

JOY is pushed out for days and weeks and months and maybe even years.
There is always a reason why, the negative aspects should be the main focus. There is always a reason why YOUR problems are SO different, SO unique and SO difficult that finding a way out is impossible. It is much easier to keep making excuses.

You see, when you can come up with loads of excuses, you at least FEEL like you are doing something. You ARE expending brain power and psychic energy. Unfortunately it is only to create more excuses and better excuses. You are exhausted from creating the excuses.

You are too exhausted to find the positive aspects of your life.
Yes, your excuses are bigger than your JOY.

Guess what?
This is easy to fix.
Are you tired of being sad and unhappy and creating more excuses?
I invite you to step back from the precipice of, “My life is so awful” and step into “What positive things DO I still have in life?”
Those positives can be as simple as:
-Two legs that work.
-Two eyes that work.
-Someone who loves you, like a child or a parent.
-A beloved pet.
-Your ability to read good books.

Yes. It. Can. Be. That. Simple!
It is really ONLY up to you. Only you can decide if your JOY will be the antidotes for negativity.
Won’t you try it?
What do you have to lose?
Love and light,
Indrani

I used to feel like Sisyphus….

featured, homepage, , , , , , ,

 

You know Sisyphus, the legendary King of Corinth. He was doomed to rolling a heavy rock up a hill. The hell of this task was that as he neared the top of the hill the rockGirls can do anything! rolled down again!

Over and over and OVER!!!

What kinds of Sisyphean tasks do you do over and over? You haven’t even been cursed, like Sisyphus, and you can most likely list many!

Maybe we curse ourselves.

We pick up the same stupid argument and we KNOW where it will end.
Yet, we don’t seem to want to take a different route.

Maybe we feel we don’t know how to take up a different task.
Over the next week, notice what “tasks” you are taking up and ask yourself if you have done them before.

Remember that a Sisyphean task is DOOMED to being repeated. It is the kind of task that has no natural end.

Good luck with the noticing.

Love and light
Indrani

Anatomy of Disappointment…..

featured, homepage, , , , , , , ,

 

What happens to us when we feel disappointed? We know that we feel let down or ignored or invisible, and a host of many other feelings….but WHY?waiting via thinkstock
What causes me to feel so let down?
Something quite disappointing happened to me a few weeks ago and in the midst of a tsunami of feelings, I kept asking myself….
What is my lesson here?
I have to admit that I am sometimes sick of the lessons. Just when I think everything is fine, WHAM…another damn lesson!

Disappointment is usually a surprise. If it is not a surprise and you are expecting to be disappointed, that is a habitual way of living. If we are in relationships where we are usually disappointed, then that is more about the choices we are making, as opposed to what the other people are doing.

Let me break it down like this.
Let’s say that I make frequent lunch dates with Jackie and she is ALWAYS late and I am always disappointed. Why do I continue to make lunch dates with Jackie?
Maybe I need to ask Jackie if lunchtime is bad for her and decide on a better time.
Maybe Jackie really likes me and really wants to meet with me, but is afraid to suggest another time because she thinks I am super busy.
It is incumbent upon me to have a real conversation with Jackie so we can set up better times to meet.
If, however, Jackie laughs and tells me she is always late, then we have another issue.
I have had people tell me that they are always late and they laugh it off. I usually say that I find it rude and selfish for people to think that being late is “just the way it is.”

Disappointment is part of life and it is up to us to handle the everyday disappointments with finesse and humanity. We have to be able to forgive and get on with what’s important. If the disappointments keep piling on and they are from the same people, then you have to have a “powwow” to find out the root cause.

If you do nothing, nothing will change.
We are in charge of our lives and we teach people how to treat us.

Love & light,

Indrani

Spit in my face? What does that mean?!

featured, homepage, , , , , , , , , , , ,

When you spit in my face…what does that mean?ashamed-woman via zawaj.com

A few weeks ago, I saw a man spit in a woman’s face.
He straightened up and spit, aiming right for her face.
She was stunned.
She froze and she looked like a deer in the head lights.

What was he trying to communicate?
What words would he have chosen if he had chosen to speak words instead?
What could he have been thinking when he CHOSE to spit in her face?

Will she choose to go back to him?
Will she choose to forget her humiliation and her embarrassment?
Will her friends and family make her feel like she should put it behind her?
Will she succumb to the voices that say it may have been her fault?
Will people expect her to explain her behaviors?

What else might he do?
What other insults has she or will she suffer?
When is it enough?!

What have you been exposed to that has made you feel like this woman?
When will enough be enough?

Who can decide?
ONLY YOU.
Only YOU.

Love and light
Indrani

Fair fight…..if only!

featured, homepage, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Fair fight…..if only!women-working-out1 via blog.itriagehealth

Yes, if only all of our fights could be fair and above the belt.
That’s so hard to do though, isn’t it?

We feel attacked and we strike back.
It’s that old fight or flight, right?
I can either run away or I can slam you right back.

Are there other choices?

There are other choices….but only for those who REALLY want to change.
There are other choices….but only for those who understand that they can only change themselves.
There are other choices….but only if you intend to invest the time to build a new muscle.

Have you ever gone to a gym and started a weight training program?
Did you start with the MOST weight on the rack?
If you did, did it work out for you?
I hope that you started out with smaller weights, even 3 lbs…especially for the small muscles like the triceps.
The small muscles fatigue a lot quicker than the larger thigh or butt muscles.

Let’s expand this triceps training metaphor to your resolve to fight fair.
When you start, the resolve is small and you can only hold the fight fair tenets for a short time. Then you fall back into the old habits that you have down pat.
You lob name for name, insult for insult and then you choose your partners weakest spot and WHAM! Then one of you falls first, and the other feels vindicated.
If you were to verbalize what the original fight was about you might not even remember.
Your head would be filled with “well she said my mother is horrible” or “how dare he say that I am a bitch?”

The list is endless.

The real issue is again buried under the rubble from this most recent battle.

So do you give up?
If you do what will happen?
Things will not change.
You will feel the same way next week, next month and next year about the things that irritate you today.

How then do you withstand the emotional onslaught without striking back?
It is as simple as a DECISION to STOP the WAR!
I mean STOP contributing to the war.
I mean stop the lobbying of the insults.
I mean SHUT UP!
I mean to walk out of the room.
I mean to withdraw your emotional investment from the fight at hand.
I also mean to STOP pretending that anyone is actually winning!

The pretense that there is actually a winner in all this personal rancor and nastiness is epic!
Epic Pretense is pretending that nasty will get your loved ones to:
1. Love you the way you want
2. Give you compliments
3. Clean up their mess
4. Do whatever you say they should do.

When is the best time to start these new action items?

Well, it would be great if you (the warring parties) could have a peaceful conversation when there is nothing “hot” going on.
Then together you can decide on some ground rules.
If there is no chance for a peaceful conversation, then YOU have to take the high road and begin to implement the peace treaty by yourself.
How can that look?
You can tell yourself that you will not accept name calling. If it happens you will leave the room.
You can also decide that cursing is not allowed in your home and if it happens you will leave the room.
These changes will not be magically manifested…you will have to work at it (like starting with the 3 lb weights during a tricep exercise). You will tire easily, but keep it up.
Slowly you will see that changes are occurring and then you will have to take a deeper look at what it all means for the rest of life.

There is a lot of work that goes into lifting 3lbs with your triceps to being able to lift 35lbs. It is possible, but only with consistent training and proper care of your whole body.
Likewise, it is possible to stop being at war with each other, but only if it is something you really want. You must want it as surely as you want a plentiful supply of oxygen and clean water.
Oxygen and water are essential to living.
Fighting fair is essential to a LIFE worth living!

Love and light,
Indrani

Teachers, your words have tremendous power…

featured, homepage, , , , , , , , , , ,

I just heard an 18 year old on THE VOICE whose singing made me smile.

What he said about is 8th grade teacher, however, made me cringe and weep.

She told him he would never amount to anything!

Blake Shelton said “SCREW HER!” Adam Levine asked “What’s her name?” The classy young man decided not to reveal the teacher’s identity and said “I do not want to do that”.

I hope she knows that she has LET DOWN her entire profession.

Why do some adults act like the children that they are supposed to be helping? An 8th grader may act up, be mouthy and whatever else… that is a rite of passage. He/she at least has an excuse….THEY ARE CHILDREN!

What excuses do the adults give themselves when they show these kids what adults are NOT.

For everyone who reads this, you probably have a memory of a teacher who was less than supportive. Take this moment to send light to that person as you pat yourself on your own back for having the courage to not give up.

If you did give up because of what some idiot teacher said, send them healing light and clothe yourself in light. You are bright and brilliant and you deserve all the success you desire.

Love & light,

Indrani

Wishing for the Sound of Silence…

featured, homepage, , , , , , , , , ,

Sing the following words to the tune of the Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel…

“Hello story my old friend
I’ve come to fondle you again
Because your lies have me trapped in
The same old paths that are in my brain
And the stories, never give me any peace, any peace,
Wishing for the sounds of silence”

Ok, so I am not a real lyricist…. but I do pretend to be one once in a while.

My teacher and mentor Dr. Martha Beck, tells us that we all have a tendency to ‘story fondle.’ You know, telling the same dramatic story over and over again and looking for people to agree and to commiserate.  If someone challenges our story, we tend to become defensive and lash out or sulk in a corner.

How DARE they not believe us?
Who do they think they are?
What right do they have to say that my truth may in fact be just a story?

Ask yourself this, have you told many someones the same story over and over?
Why do you feel compelled to repeat old stories?
Ask yourself, “Do these stories bring me joy?”

I know whereof I speak, I have used this technique, and it only kept me stuck.
I got tired of being stuck.
The only way I could free myself was to consciously not tell the story. Not ever.
I did vent in therapy where I could get some insight, but other than that I started to create new themes.
It is not easy to step out of the story.
The stories are familiar, and on a strange level…even comforting.
You know every word, where to place charged emphasis and where to shed a tear.
We are academy award winners in our own plays.

Do you need a different way?
Are you tired of being angry and sad?
Yes?
Change the stories.
Make them comedic monologues instead of dramas.
Put on a costume and tell the story from that character’s point of view.
Tell the story with a fake accent and crack yourself up.
Do anything.
Do something different.
If you don’t, who will?

Love and light,
Indrani

The SCALE said…

featured, homepage, , , , , , , , ,

The SCALE said…you are a failure.

The month of June 2012 had been magical both personally and professionally.
I embarked on a great training regimen of biking, pilates, dance and fast walking.
I began to have a renewed awareness of what went into my mouth. I tried to reduce “eating meditations” and instead, focused on “chewing meditations.” I chewed slower and tried to be aware of the flavors and the textures of the food while being grateful for strong teeth that facilitated healthy chewing. I put down the knife and fork between bites, to savor the food in my mouth and not have the other bite hovering.

I increased my community service by joining some boards. My Live a Brighter Life training program had officially launched and my beautiful, sleek new training manuals were in hand. My family was healthy and my kids were happy.

Then…. I returned from one of my weekends in Atlanta and I stepped on the scale!

Immediately all if the above disappeared from my mind because I had not lost any weight.

I heard that old familiar voice in my head, “Ummm…..so you are still fat and you think you’re doing so much exercise. When you’re speaking in front of groups of people they probably think you’re too fat to know anything.”

I was amazed at how quickly I began to criticize myself and how eager I was to believe the lies.

So I stopped and thought about how GOOD I am.

I had to remind myself that my work is making a needed difference in the lives of women who are suffering from DV.

I had to remind myself that my energy levels are up and that my body is working well and supporting me in my work.

I had to remind myself that I am doing my best at this moment and I will continue to do my best.

I had to remind myself that a few numbers on a scale does NOT define me.
I define me.

I wanted to tell you this little story because I know that this has probably happened to you as well.

When you hear those familiar voices putting you down…STOP them!
Begin a list of all the good things that you are doing.
Write them down and read them over and over and BELIEVE them.

If you don’t pull yourself out of that darkness, no one will.

Love and light,
Indrani

What will people miss about you?

featured, homepage, , , , ,

What will people miss about you?

I invite you to make a complete list of all you do for others.

Do you sometimes feel useless?
Worthless?
Feel like your work has no use in the world?

Make an in-depth list and be sure to put things like:

Picking up socks
Cleaning toilets
Buying extra toilet paper

Yes, it can be funny what your jobs actually are and how crucial those jobs are to the smooth running of your world.

After you make a list, take a look at it. Are you pleased with the way the list looks?
No? Then change it.
Put things on the list that you want to do.
Find ways to make those things happen.

We have very short windows of opportunity….make today’s window count.

 

Love and light,

Indrani