Tag Archives: letting go of negative

Am I fired?

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A few weeks ago I received an email from someone I barely knew regarding my classes in which she has never attended.
Her information came from some of those who had taken my class. These people had some sensitive nerves touched and decided their pain was my fault! The email was mean spirited and made accusations that were untrue.

What was I going to do?
Was I going to retaliate?
Was I going to react?

The first thing I had to do was control my mind chatter and control my emotions. I felt the tears stinging at the edges of my eyes and I blinked them back. After a while the tears did not need to show themselves. I got hold of my thoughts and I formed my next steps.

I decided that my steps would be based on my TRUTH.
My deepest truth about the work that I do is that IT IS NECESSARY! The pain of an abuse victim pales in comparison with the slight pain that I was feeling.

I asked myself, “Indrani, how far would you go to reach a woman who needed to hear what you have to say about resilience and courage?”
My answer was “as far as I need to.”
So how far would I go to reach the women that I had come to reach?
I replied to the email and decided that I would go as far as I could go without damage to myself.
What kind of damage? EMOTIONAL damage!

So I took that mean spirited email as a CASE study and I sent myself to NEGOTIATION school.
I had taken a class in negotiating a few months ago, so I began to apply the principles.
A negotiation is a two way street where everyone compromises and therefore wins.
So what did I want to WIN?
I wanted to win a chance to share something with the women.
What did this boss lady want to win? I had no idea!
I only had the email to guide me so I looked at what they were AFRAID of.
I charted what I read alongside what my true work was.
I very carefully began to craft my response and I held in my heart the women who would be in my class.

I did the class that afternoon for 2.5 hours and returned the next day for 3.5 hours. The women that took part asked me to stay longer. They even called the boss lady to ask and she said NO. She said that “they were not ready”.

How did she know?
I have no idea!
They felt sad and I left.
I felt like both she and I won.
I won the respect of the women and she won the time frame constraints.

As I write this I am resting in my hotel room, looking at THE VOW.
It seems like a great title because it lines up with the VOW I made to myself to honor my truth.

Love, light & truth,

Indrani

Guilty until proven innocent…

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No, that is not a typo.

What happens in our own minds when we feel someone has wronged us?

We immediately sentence them, don’t we? We KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are GUILTY of whatever we are thinking.

There is NO jury that can convince us otherwise.

There is NO ONE who can talk us out of the litany of offenses and the amount of times that they have wronged us. We are the JUDGE and the JURY.

We begin to “build a case” in our minds and we have long running mental tirades with ourselves. We become more and more convinced that they not only committed the crime but they premeditated it and all because they hate us. Yes, we begin to write such far out scripts that soon we don’t even remember what their latest offense was…only that WE WERE ABSOLUTELY OFFENDED!

So let me suggest a way for you to move through this.

When you are:
Pissed off
Ticked off
Frustrated
Very Angry
Ready to Explode
Exploding

Ask yourself this question. WHO must do WHAT to make you feel better?

Fill in the sentence below:

________________________ (insert offender) must do ____________________________ (insert action they must do) so that I can stop being _________________________ (insert emotion). When ____________________ does ____________________ then I will feel___________________________.

Really take your time with these sentences. Read and reread to be sure it accuses the right person and be sure you have determined precisely what they must do to atone for their behaviors/words etc.

Now take a marker and cross out THEIR name and insert the pronoun “I”.
Really? Really? YES, really!

You alone are responsible for your feelings.
Please be aware that this exercise does NOT apply to abuse of any sort.
If you are experiencing any form of abuse PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY.

If this is NOT about abuse, then these exercises will help you to focus on WHO is in charge of YOUR emotions.

Remember, no one can make you feel anything without your permission.

Love and light
Indrani

 

The mathematically correct way to say NO…

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N + O = Time + Energy Boost.

We have all been there, someone asks for something and we are swamped BUT we say YES because of:

  1. Guilt
  2. Fear
  3. Powerlessness
  4. Cultural norms

Yes, this list can be endless. It does NOT matter why you say YES when you want to say NO, because the effects on you are the same.

You feel taken advantage of or angry and explode at those you love or you become more powerless and it feeds your “things will always be like this” way of thinking.

By the way, the anger and explosive thing, usually happens to someone who had nothing to do with the reason you are angry. The person who gets all of your fallout is usually someone who you feel safe with and who has accepted your explosions in the past. Please note that exploding on people is a form of abuse. (Read my post on Domestic Violence here).

Being unable to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial to saying a soft and positive NO.

Yes, I said a Positive NO.

One of my very favorite books is by William Ury “The Power of a Positive NO”. I recommend you order it NOW. It has changed my life and my relationships.

If you are unable to identify how YOU wish to spend your own time, there is a LONG LINE of folks who have GREAT ideas for what you SHOULD do with your time.

Spend a few moments NOW and make a list of people who constantly steal your time, even though you have tried to stop them it continues to happen.

1

2

3

4

5

6

Ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What do these people have in common?  e.g. family, co workers, perceived power over you, people you adore and love…
  2. How do I feel when these people ask for MORE of my time? Do you feel angry, happy that you can “please them”, afraid when you hear their voice?
  3. How do I hold my posture when I am interacting with these people? Am I standing tall? Do I haunch my shoulders? Does my stomach or my head hurt?

Understanding WHAT you do when you are approached by a TIME THIEF is crucial to understanding how to set and maintain a boundary. See other posts on the Art of saying No.

Have Fun saying NO!

 

Love and light,

Indrani

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE…why you should care.

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Why should you care? Why should anyone care about Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence is insipid. If you have never heard this term, the definition of domestic violence is the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another; also : a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior .

Domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes. Only approximately one-quarter of all physical assaults, one-fifth of all rapes, and one-half of all stalkings perpetuated against females by intimate partners are reported to the police.…from www.ncadv.org/files/
DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

Why would such crimes be under-reported?

Have you ever been a victim of hateful and nasty behavior?

This could be happening in high school. Perhaps a boyfriend tells you to be a certain way and if you do not, he berates you and calls you names that made you feel worthless.

He tells you that no other man could love you. He calls you a slut or other unsavory names. He makes fun of you in front of his friends.

Did you tell anyone?

Did you report him to the school authorities?

Did you call the Teen Abuse hot line 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)?

You probably did nothing.

You may not even have recognized that you were being abused. You may even have convinced yourself that it was your fault.

You may have seen your own Mother abused at home and so you feel that “true love” must look like that.

Your own Mother may be making excuses for the man in her life, and you see that her abuse is much more horrific.

So you say nothing.

After all, you do not have it “that” bad.

Abuse is insipid and it is confusing. How can a person with whom you are having intimate relations treat you so horribly? How can the person you swear you love be so mean and hateful to you?

You try so hard to please him and nothing ever works.

You feel like you are always walking on egg shells.

His rage erupts for the smallest infraction, and you are afraid to take any action unless the action is sanctioned by the abuser.

These are but a few of the reasons why Domestic Violence is under-reported.

Women are confused and brain washed into thinking that all of it is their fault.

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.1 An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.2 85% of domestic violence victims are women. Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew. Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.… from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

These facts were taken from a PDF found when I googled Domestic Violence.

I am not making this up. Below are actual numbers taken from the same article that I found on Google.

The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.

Victims of intimate partner violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them by current or former husbands, boyfriends and dates. This loss is the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of violence.

There are 16,800 homicides and $2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.…from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

If you are not being abused, there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE that you know someone who is being abused.

 

Please keep your eyes and ears open. Please encourage those suffering to seek counsel and support. There are MANY support centers around the country and world. If you are the one suffering, please reach out here and I will direct you to some help in your area.

You can send an e mail to

info@indranislight.org with the subject line… A HEADS UP.

You can use a computer at the library or at a friend’s home.

This is NOT your fault. You have done NOTHING wrong.

You deserve to be loved and respected.

Please reach out either for your own self or for someone else.

My personal mantra is ONE ABUSED WOMAN IS ONE TOO MANY! Please help me in this endeavor to eradicate DV from the face of the earth. WE can do it if we band together.

Love and Light

Indrani

 

 

 

 

I forgive myself….

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I forgive myself for holding a grudge against you.

I forgive myself for allowing the past hurt to etch new wounds on old scars.

I have been holding on to a deep grudge for over 20 years. Yes, 20 years and I am quite ashamed to admit it. Even as I express to myself and all who would listen that I have changed, this grudge I will not let go of.

Let’s get it out there. Shall we?

20 plus years ago I was at a funeral and I approached someone with whom I had been feuding. We actually had been feuding together, and doing a great job. A jab here, a sarcastic comment there, a nasty look when we thought no one was paying attention, and so on. We were great adversaries.

At the funeral, I wanted to call it quits and I approached this person and said something to the effect of life being short and we never know when…blah, blah, blah.

I asked if we could drop the past and start over.

They said NO.

They said that I would have to prove myself and my intentions TO THEIR SATISFACTION.

Oh Really?

GAME ON!!!

From that day on, they were my sworn enemy. Every time I got a chance, I was distant and cold and unfriendly and I enjoyed the game. BTW, my opponent was quite formidable.

We would pretend to hug and kiss each other in front of others, but if we saw each other at the store, we would look straight thru each other.

People from far and wide could see the great divide. Neither of us cared!

Fast forward 20 plus years, and I am TIRED OF THE GAME!

If I die tomorrow, I do NOT want to take this well played game to my grave.

I do not want the rules of this game etched onto my heart any more.

What once gave me great joy and guilty pleasure now makes me sad and makes me feel less than human.

YOU WIN… I GIVE UP.

YOU MAY PLAY ALONE.

I AM DONE.

I HAVE NO MORE ENERGY TO INVEST IN HATING/DISLIKING OR MALIGNING YOU.

There, I’ve said it.

It feels good not to have to dig for the hurtful memories and to relay to people the how and whys I am still at war.

I am putting down my weapons.

I will still keep on my armor, especially over my heart, but I will no longer throw offensive or defensive moves.

I will move out of the way of jabs and insults.

I may even say something like, “I am tired of this exhausting game so you win”

 

Now how do I move forward?

I must find the courage to forget all the history. I must find the courage to see God in that person.

I must focus on that person’s good qualities, the ones I admire.

As I focus on their strengths, I will heal myself of all the rancor of the past and hopefully expel the pent up toxicity and enable my heart to be free of past pain.

If I am truthful, they have not been on my radar for quite a while, and it’s only when I am going to be in their presence that my claws want to come out.

So, I will keep my claws nicely manicured and polished and use them as a decorative feature not a hidden weapon.

 

I forgive me.

Such a small sentence.

Such a powerful sentiment.

Congrats to me, I am a courageous being.

 

You all know the lesson here.

Will you step into the courageous act of forgiving yourself for something/s you have done?

Good luck, it may take a while, but it’s worth the journey.

 

Love and light

Indrani

What did I step in?

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No, I did not have to look at the bottom of my shoes for dog poop.  

I unknowingly walked into a 12-step program last Friday.

Dis-ease wrapped around me like an itchy blanket.  I was very uncomfortable, but walking out would had been just as uncomfortable and embarrassing.  Hands folded in my lap, picking my fingers.  My leg shaking up and down nervously… “Grant me the serenity to accept…. to change the things I can…. and the wisdom to know the difference”.

Light bulb goes off in my head.

Accept the things I cannot change!
I had been saying these exact words throughout the week so I would stop beating myself up over things I could not change like the economy and other people’s attitudes and actions!

Change the things I can… Whoa I had been thinking about all the things that are within my power to change, work, situations, relationships with myself, others.

The wisdom to know the difference. YES, I have had to stop and think when I am angry, upset, frustrated… “Is this something I can change, yes or no?  If yes, then decide what I want to change it into. If no, then let it go and accept it as it is”.

I listened to the women in the circle as they said their name and shared.  As I listened I thought some women had the same challenges as me!

Hi, my name is Kay, and I actually stepped into the right place.

P.S. As a post script I want to say that there is a stigma, I think, attached to 12-step programs probably because it is so closely associated with AA.   But the 12-step program can be used for so many types of hang-ups, hurts and habits.  With life for many people riddled with frustrations, challenges, anger and not knowing, I think programs like this are an opportunity to see we are not “the only ones” with issues. It is an opportunity to speak our minds and our hearts without judgment.  And it is a time to listen to others and practice compassion. You may want to take a step and find out.

What’s your kryptonite?

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Do you all remember superman?

It used to make me cry when he was tricked into coming into contact
with kryptonite. Of course, back then I was but a mere child.
Why then, do I feel like a mere child when I get close to some of my
kryptonite substances?
Please allow me to explain.

I would say that most of the time, I am strong, confident and
secure. THEN, something happens and I want to fall to my knees and
stay in a fetal position.
These “things” that happen can be as simple as:
Someone giving me the silent treatment or the cold shoulder. I
immediately go into a tsunami of thoughts about what I HAVE DONE
WRONG.

When I am in this “I am such a loser” phase, I almost want to jump
out of my skin to make amends.
Make amends for what?

I stitch together instances of when I think I may have wronged them
and I try to find behaviors that would absolve me of these sins.
A lot of the time, it just looks like begging for forgiveness for the
errors of my ways, or completely forgetting my life’s dreams in favor
of whatever they want.

Recently, I had plans with a friend to do something fun. The day
before the event, I asked for timing details and was
promptly told, with a look of sheer frustration that the event was the
next week. I said “no, it can’t be! I will be out of town”.
I was stunned. I had this on my calendar since OCT 2011.
The person then turned and left the room without a single word. I was
surrounded by kryptonite.

I screwed up, I am a bad friend and I can never get dates right…

Then I rushed to my computer, found the email with the date that I
had saved and rushed to show it to my friend. They looked at it and
said NOT A SINGLE WORD. Not even an “oh boy, I should check this out”.

Of course I thought: I should cancel my trip and I should apologize to
the other parties involved. Until I screamed at myself, “YOU DID
NOTHING WRONG. YOU DID EVERYTHING RIGHT. PEOPLE SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING
TO YOU, DAMMIT!”

I had to walk away from my stinking thinking and hope that the
kryptonite didn’t creep up on me when I was asleep.

So, what’s your kryptonite?

Love and light,

Indrani

How large is your Grudge box?

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How large is your Grudge box?

First what IS a Grudge Box? It’s the place in your head where you keep
track of all your past grudges.

You know…

The kid in high school who stole your ONE true love
The woman in the grocery line who flirted with your “ever-so-handsome-and-everyone-wants-him” husband
The mother-in-law who never respects any of your ideas and loves the other one better

Yep, all these and more.

So be honest, how large is your grudge box?

I am working on reducing mine in the following ways:

1. Forgiving myself for holding on to the past.
2. Creating an even larger Gratitude box.
3. Maintaining protective distance from people whom I fear may hurt me.
4. Explaining to my close family that I am no longer in the grudge
business and that I will attempt to clear the air if I feel a grudge
surge coming on.

You may borrow my strategies, or make some of your own. I would love to hear from you.

Love and light
Indrani

Step closer for a better view.

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Homeless Sweet Homeless 2 by Pandaphobia

I have seen homeless people at a distance. 
But I took a step closer and this is what I saw.
 
I did not see dirty people
I saw people who looked their best.

I did not see uncaring
I saw people asking about one another.

I did not see solitude
I saw kinship. 

I did not see withdrawal
I saw openness.

I did not see disconnection.
I saw bonding.

I did not see isolation.
I saw communicating.

I did not see self-pity.
I saw self-regard.

I did not see unmotivation
I saw determination

I did not see dumbness
I saw intelligence

I did not see fear
I saw courage.

I did not see aggression.
I saw friendliness.

I did not see disregard.
I saw appreciation.

I did not see scowling faces.
I saw smiles.

 
What I saw? Human beings just like me.

 
Do you have the courage to take a step closer to someone or something to get a better view?

If you build it… Will they really come?

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ehow.com

What if you build something, or create something or plan something and
people say they will attend. Yes, they are sure that they will come.

So you invest time, money, energy, etc, and you are pumped, and you
are energized and you are ready.

The day has finally arrived, with all the planning, all the reminders. You get into your car and drive to the venue. You check all the
systems that need to be checked. You wait and wait and wait. The time of performance is here, the music starts and you realize that
only a handful of people have shown up. You keep calm and carry on all the while wondering how could it be that it all fell apart?

This, dear friend, is what happened on 12/18/2011.

I had been asked by several people to plan a Christmas flash mob. So I did.
I kept asking people are you sure that you are coming. I could still cancel, if there was no interest. But, I was constantly reminded that
there was interest.

How does it feel to put time and love and attention into something that fizzles at the last moment?

Here’s what NOT to do!

Do Not Take It Personally!
It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with every individual who did not show. I am sure that they all wanted to be there, but life happens, and in their lives things happened that kept them away.

Was I sad?
YES, I was sad!

Was I confused?
YES, I was confused.

Did I wonder if I had somehow screwed up?
YES, I thought that I had screwed up.

How could I have screwed up?
Did I not do enough reminders on FB?
Was the planning lacking?

I do not have answers to any of those questions.
I only know that I tried my best.
At the end of the day, that is all any of us can do.
Do our best.
If it’s not good enough for anyone, well that’s just too bad.

Easy to say, harder to believe.
I encourage you this holiday, to just do YOUR best.

THEN LET IT GO.
Happiness, joy and peace this the holiday season of 2011
Love and light
Indrani