Tag Archives: love others

My Father, the Ninja…..

July 16, 2014featured, homepagebe present, best, celebrate life, child, children, choices, Compassion, dad, family, father, letting go, life, life lessons, love others, love yourself, parenting, parents, teach your children, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

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When I hear the word Ninja, I think of a person who is stealthy, nimble and agile and uses the forces of his opponents to his advantage.

He only fights when necessary, and then too, only to defend himself or his family, or to right a terrible wrong.

My father is a Ninja.

He never let on to any of his three children how difficult it was to put food on the table. He never allowed us to suffer the stigma of “poverty” and always found ways to provide what we needed to succeed as students and young people. He encouraged all of our friends to visit, sleep over (often in drunken hazes when we were teenagers) and never once do I remember him lecturing or making us feel like losers for our immature behaviors.

He always led with love and followed with well placed stories with metaphorical lessons that somehow always made sense.

As my father lays in a sedated coma due to a severe stroke, we his children are left to remember the greatness of the Ninja skills he wielded so magnificently and we are left to wonder IF we managed to become the adults he always believed we could be and if we told him we loved him and showed it as much as we could.

I am so grateful that he never considered that his daughters be married off at young ages so that he would be relieved of our care.

He always stressed as much education as we were capable of and never wavered in his belief in our abilities to become fully functioning members of society.

I read about fathers and mothers who sell children into prostitution as a solution to bring money to the family. I cannot even imagine what my father would say to theses practices.

I read about parents dragging their girls out of school so that they can take care of the house and the younger siblings. I cannot even imagine what my Ninja father would say about that.

I cannot imagine lots of atrocities that I hear about fathers around the world. I am grateful that I had a DAD who would have given his last ounce of blood to keep his children safe and secure.

My father was a Ninja and as he sleeps in his coma, I can only hope that his dreams are of better times with me in Texas, where he loved to be.

He loved to go to the giant grocery stores and to buy what he wanted and came home to cook it for me and my children.

He loved driving my son to elementary school almost 25 miles away from home while I took care of a new baby.

He loved to go to Target and to be able to buy whatever his heart desired and it always desired very little.

If he had two pairs of pants, it was enough.

If he had four, he would say something like, “but I can only wear one pair at a time while I wash the other one.”

He was not a hoarder of material goods. He spent wisely and knew the value of a dollar.

My Ninja father taught me so very much and most of all he taught me the value of the relationship between Father and Daughter.

A bond that should never be taken lightly.

A bond that sets up the girl for a life of happiness or dread.

A bond that cements the way a girl feels about men.

My father, the Ninja, is my everything.

He is and will always be my hero.

Dad,
As you sleep know that I respect what you have taught me and I hope to continue to make you proud.

Love and light,
Indrani
Daughter of Ralph Augustine Nathu.

Transactional or relational…what kind of relationship do you want?

April 12, 2014featured, homepagebalance, be present, best, choices, emotions, gender based violence, gender violence, happiness, life lessons, love, love others, love yourself, relationships, right action, right you, self love, self respect, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

A while ago, while listening to Barack Obama, I heard him describe a relationship (not with Michelle) as one that was solidly transactional and polite.

He knew and understood exactly what kind of relationship that was. The way I understood it was that when things were discussed he did not say things like ” that FEELS great, or that MAKES me HAPPY.”

Emotions were OUT of this equation and both parties understood that.

To put the transactional relationship out into the light, think Pretty Women. It started out as a transaction and then she wants a relationship. It took him a while but eventually the arrangement changed.

I have read that successful pimps prey on young women and start off with the lure of a relationship, then when the young girls think they have a real boyfriend…..the pimps beat them, rape them and turn the arrangement into the transaction it was always meant to be.

I have been thinking about marriage and have been wondering if perhaps the high rates of divorce might be due to the fact that we do not know the difference between transaction and relation based relationships.

A wife who complains that her husband is always at work, travels too much and is never available is complaining that the relationship is suffering. The man may be very confused as he is providing a house and cars and lifestyle and does not understand what she wants from him. He is seeing the transactional side of the arrangement.

How can people on two different sides move towards the center?

I think a good place to start is with shared filling in the blanks of “What’s missing here?”

If the wife says her piece and says that time with husband is missing and intimacy and friendship it is a start.

If the husband says nothing is missing and he is happy at work and just wants to be the provider, there is an insight into the size of the divide.

I knew of a couple who went on vacation once, and while he played golf everyday she drank and sat by the pool.

She did NOT want to spend more time with him and HE was happy with that arrangement. They saw each other the same amount of time while on vacation as they did at home.

The only difference is that they slept in a hotel room.

This transactional vacation worked for them, he bought the vacation package and she used it.

We don’t get to complain about the type of arrangement we have if we are not courageous enough to open it up and ask questions.
If you are in a relationship that feels like it needs to be changed, ask “What’s missing for me here?”

Journal about this question as many times as you need to. Look at your answers.

Make a list of the things that are missing.

Then begin to see what YOU can provide for yourself.

This may not be the answer you want, but when you can provide the elements of life you want for yourself than you can begin to fill in the other elements with your partner.

Love and light,
Indrani

What stinks?

March 5, 2014featured, homepageabuse, an empowered no, best, child, children, choices, courage, domestic abuse, fear, follow your intuition, gender based violence, gender violence, helplessness, intuition, love others, love yourself, respect, right action, right speech, self respect, Shame, shine brightly, toxins, use your voice, verbal abuse, youIndrani Goradia

Ever walk into a room and instantly notice that something smells? Stale smoke, mold, mildew. A habit like smoking lingers…so even if you are not the smoker and you are breathing the smoke second hand, you can be effected. The toxins stick.

Toxic people and situations stick to stuff.

Abuse not only affects the victim and those who may be witnesses but as a party several degrees removed, you still can sense the anger and fear. Perhaps it is a broken lamp, a noticeable bruise or wound, a torn piece of clothing, a broken window…the violence now affects you. You may feel scared, fearful, and angry at the perpetrator. You find yourself walking on egg shells in a play that has ended but the signs are still there. Now you have the toxins.

The toxins of verbal abuse resonate beyond the fight. A husband and wife argue. The wife saturated with the toxins of her husband’s venom then pushes those toxins out to her children. You are at the playground or school and you see the kids now fighting using the same words they heard at home, the name calling, the demeaning talk. Now those toxins from the original argument have affected those who are unaware of the verbal toxins of the home. Now they have affected innocent people outside of the original dumping ground.

We expose ourselves to third party toxins from events, habits, situations we never knew existed but we walk away changed and not for the good. Some of those toxins may even trigger dormant hurts from our past like shame, fear, and helplessness. We have to rely on our sixth sense, our intuition or our gut to remove ourselves from these poisons so that we do not suffer or get injured.

Have you ever been in a room where you could feel the tension and you know something just happened? Have you felt the shame as someone calls another worthless, and you take on that shame as if it was your own?

We need to listen to our intuition to save us from the ugly toxins that surround us. Do you have the courage to walk away in these situations?

When the invisible is finally seen… It can never again be hidden.

February 5, 2014featured, homepagebe patient, be present, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, gender based violence, gender violence, honor your emotions, honor yourself, love others, love yourself, patience, start newIndrani Goradia

Try to think of something important, significant and poignant that you know now, but to which you used to be ignorant.

For me, it is the fragility of teenagers.

There was a time, before I had children, that I did not know the in credibility of teenage-hood.
I used to think that they were just younger versions of adults, that it was just a chronological thing for them.

I did not know that their brains were barely baked, or that their executive functioning skills were sorely lacking, or that they had the capacity to think of others.

Let me make a side note here. There ARE some teenagers who are incredibly mature and make ALL the “right” decisions….the kind of decisions that make adults proud and secure in their parenting skills. Yes, there are many of these beings.

If you know one of those beings… run, do not walk and hug them. Give the permission to make mistakes and to break some rules.

Give them permission to be one of the “other” kinds of teenagers.

Now that I know a few more things about the way teenagers behave, and that as parents, we should not take it personally, I can never not know.

This knowing, gives me the gift of compassion for teenagers and their witless parents.
The kind of witless parent I used to be.

In the words of Mark Nepo, ” …what has become visible and true will not become invisible again.”
Mark Nepo tells us that honoring ourselves means that “we will not pretend to be ignorant to what we know to be true…”

When we allow our knowing to inform our living, we live in honor of spirit of all things. We especially live in honor of ourselves.

Can we be patient enough to hold honor for all the “future KNOWINGS” that we will receive in the exact right time?

That is indeed a hard task.

Try to think of something you desperately want to know now…something that is bothering you in a deep and confusing way.

Can you give yourself the gift of patience and time to allow the knowing to appear to you?

If the answer is “no way,” then you have chosen a path very fraught with brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

Yes, you will be caught on the many branches in the way as you barge thru the unknown.

If, however, the answer is a soft “maybe,” then you stand a chance of less pain and less regret. You will allow yourself to step over the brambles and sticker bushes. You will be more discerning with your steps.

If your answer is a resounding “yes,” then you, my friend, will be still enough to see the different path, the one clear from the brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

I do not know which decision you will make but know this, YOU can always start again and make a different decision.

Remember to learn from the hasty decisions though, lest you trip yourself up again.

Wait…wait for the path to be clear. Wait for the clearer path to show itself.

Wait.

It may be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.
Love and light,
Indrani

The Department of Emotions….

December 21, 2013featured, homepageanger, balance, be present, best, bliss, choices, courage, ecstasy, emotions, find joy, gender based violence, gender violence, Gratitude, gratitude practice, happiness, hatred, Joy, love, love others, love yourself, miracles, passion, rage, respect, right action, start new, Stress, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

If you should see a sign above a beautiful doorway in a lovely building that reads Department of Emotions, you may be curious.
You may enter cautiously, with glee or maybe with anxiety. Let’s assume that you do enter and begin to look around.

Within this department, you may find floor upon floor of beautiful offices with open doors and nicely dressed people working away.
These employees have the job of dispensing emotions to the whole world. They actually love their jobs.
The way they do it is that they get telegraphic requests and they dispatch emotions at the speed of light.

You want Joy? Done.
Gratitude? Yes, lots being dispensed these days.

You look around some more and realize that some employees are sitting still, making no movement with no work to do.
You look at their titles and there seems to be a theme….Bliss, Ecstasy, Passion and you wonder why.

Then you wander some more and see some employees over-burdened, just dragging and stressed and you glance at their titles.
You see another theme…
Anger
Rage
Hatred

You ask them why they are so exhausted and they don’t even have time to look up or answer you.
One of the other employees, the one called Ecstasy, tells you that some emotions are overused and the guys dispensing them cannot catch a break. No time for rest or sleep. No one seems to be taking breaks from fits of anger, rants full if rage or blinding hatred.

Then you begin to realize that you too have overused some emotions and woefully underused others.
You cannot remember the last time you telegraphed for Bliss or Passion and forget about Ecstasy.

Dear reader,

I know that this blog is way out there. I hope that it gives you pause to consider which emotions you over use and which others you ignore.
I encourage you to use less anger and rage and use more of joy, bliss and passion.
Find something to be passionate about…a hobby or a cause.
Find Joy in the everyday stuff, even little things like the gift of sight or the ability to still climb stairs.
I believe it was Albert Einstein who said we can behave as if nothing is a miracle, or as if everything is a miracle.
Let’s live the miracles that are all around us.
Love and light,
Indrani