Tag Archives: love yourself

Counteracting the internal predator…being supportive to self.

April 16, 2014featured, homepagebelieve in you, choices, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, domestic violence, external predator, follow your intuition, gender based violence, gender violence, how to say no, internal battles, internal challenges, internal predator, internal voice, kick perfection to the curb, letting go of negative, life lessons, love yourself, respect, self respect, shine brightly, speak your truth, Women Who Run with Wolves, youIndrani Goradia

We all have internal voices that regale us with how many things we do wrong.

This voice seems to take great pleasure in rendering us helpless in the face of challenge.

It happily reminds us about all the things we failed to finish. It shifts and disrupts the ground from under our feet with all the things we can’t do.

If we believe these internal onslaughts, we remain tightly wrapped and bound by our failures instead of being able to open up those failures and glean the lessons in each.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run with Wolves tells us we can “dismantle the assaults of the natural predator by taking to heart and working with what is truthful in what the predator says and discarding the rest.”

If my internal predator says “you are so wasteful, you have so much fabric and never finish any quilts”…I can calmly tell myself that I have made and finished more that 12 quilts and each child has at least two quilts handmade completely by me.

This example is quite tame. It can happen, however that my internal predator can tell me something like:

“Oh, so you think you are so special and want to end Gender Violence? Well missy….YOU have been yelling at people all your life. You even yelled at someone last week! Who are you to think you can do this?”

I will then have to have the presence of mind to remind myself that I am human and while I still do yell, I am trying to stay calm in situations and to treat others as I want to treat myself.

If I can do these exercises with my OWN internal predator, then I have a fighting chance to speak MY truth in the face of an external predator. The person who wants to abuse me physically, emotionally or verbally is an example of an external predator, whereas, an internal predator is the negative voice that tries to bring me down.

The external predators can do serious damage to my psyche and if I do not develop the internal muscles against my internal predators then I have very little chance of standing up to external predators.

Estes tells us that we can “dismantle our predator by maintaining our intuitions and instincts and by resisting the predator’s seductions.”

How do you hone your instincts when the world is ready to tell you that what you feel is false and that your instincts are stupid?

The only answer is that YOU must believe in YOU!

You have to be courageous enough to know that you have deep understandings about life.

You can sit in prayer or mediation and recall times in your life when you did listen to your instincts and were happy because you did.

Like any skill, listening to your instincts is a muscle you must build up.

You must have patience, and practice on little things.

For example, if someone asks you to do something, instead of answering from your head, take a few minutes to notice the way your body is reacting to the request.

Do you feel happy and joyful, or heavy and dark when you think of the request?

Only you will be able to read the signs that your body give you.

Then, you have to be courageous enough to follow your natural instincts.

This may mean that you have to say NO to things you used to say YES to.

I know someone who recently told her boyfriend that she would no longer take part in orgy sex. She was very scared to do it and felt he would leave her if she refused. Whenever she had done it in the past, she felt dirty and less worthy but he always told her that she was the prettiest one in the room. She so badly wanted to hold on to him, she continued with behaviors that left her feeling empty and nauseous.

When she finally decided to stop the orgy sex, she delivered her decision and he promptly left her. He found someone who would do exactly what he told her to do.

It took her a while to recover but now she is happy that she found the courage to end that part of her life.

She had to get used to a new normal. A life without big lavish parties…but now she has her life and her body and self worth.

When you decide to counteract the internal predator it will mean that you must get used to a new normal.

Give yourself time to craft the new way.

Give yourself a pat on the back every time you kick the internal predator to the curb.
Love and light,
Indrani

Transactional or relational…what kind of relationship do you want?

April 12, 2014featured, homepagebalance, be present, best, choices, emotions, gender based violence, gender violence, happiness, life lessons, love, love others, love yourself, relationships, right action, right you, self love, self respect, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

A while ago, while listening to Barack Obama, I heard him describe a relationship (not with Michelle) as one that was solidly transactional and polite.

He knew and understood exactly what kind of relationship that was. The way I understood it was that when things were discussed he did not say things like ” that FEELS great, or that MAKES me HAPPY.”

Emotions were OUT of this equation and both parties understood that.

To put the transactional relationship out into the light, think Pretty Women. It started out as a transaction and then she wants a relationship. It took him a while but eventually the arrangement changed.

I have read that successful pimps prey on young women and start off with the lure of a relationship, then when the young girls think they have a real boyfriend…..the pimps beat them, rape them and turn the arrangement into the transaction it was always meant to be.

I have been thinking about marriage and have been wondering if perhaps the high rates of divorce might be due to the fact that we do not know the difference between transaction and relation based relationships.

A wife who complains that her husband is always at work, travels too much and is never available is complaining that the relationship is suffering. The man may be very confused as he is providing a house and cars and lifestyle and does not understand what she wants from him. He is seeing the transactional side of the arrangement.

How can people on two different sides move towards the center?

I think a good place to start is with shared filling in the blanks of “What’s missing here?”

If the wife says her piece and says that time with husband is missing and intimacy and friendship it is a start.

If the husband says nothing is missing and he is happy at work and just wants to be the provider, there is an insight into the size of the divide.

I knew of a couple who went on vacation once, and while he played golf everyday she drank and sat by the pool.

She did NOT want to spend more time with him and HE was happy with that arrangement. They saw each other the same amount of time while on vacation as they did at home.

The only difference is that they slept in a hotel room.

This transactional vacation worked for them, he bought the vacation package and she used it.

We don’t get to complain about the type of arrangement we have if we are not courageous enough to open it up and ask questions.
If you are in a relationship that feels like it needs to be changed, ask “What’s missing for me here?”

Journal about this question as many times as you need to. Look at your answers.

Make a list of the things that are missing.

Then begin to see what YOU can provide for yourself.

This may not be the answer you want, but when you can provide the elements of life you want for yourself than you can begin to fill in the other elements with your partner.

Love and light,
Indrani

What stinks?

March 5, 2014featured, homepageabuse, an empowered no, best, child, children, choices, courage, domestic abuse, fear, follow your intuition, gender based violence, gender violence, helplessness, intuition, love others, love yourself, respect, right action, right speech, self respect, Shame, shine brightly, toxins, use your voice, verbal abuse, youIndrani Goradia

Ever walk into a room and instantly notice that something smells? Stale smoke, mold, mildew. A habit like smoking lingers…so even if you are not the smoker and you are breathing the smoke second hand, you can be effected. The toxins stick.

Toxic people and situations stick to stuff.

Abuse not only affects the victim and those who may be witnesses but as a party several degrees removed, you still can sense the anger and fear. Perhaps it is a broken lamp, a noticeable bruise or wound, a torn piece of clothing, a broken window…the violence now affects you. You may feel scared, fearful, and angry at the perpetrator. You find yourself walking on egg shells in a play that has ended but the signs are still there. Now you have the toxins.

The toxins of verbal abuse resonate beyond the fight. A husband and wife argue. The wife saturated with the toxins of her husband’s venom then pushes those toxins out to her children. You are at the playground or school and you see the kids now fighting using the same words they heard at home, the name calling, the demeaning talk. Now those toxins from the original argument have affected those who are unaware of the verbal toxins of the home. Now they have affected innocent people outside of the original dumping ground.

We expose ourselves to third party toxins from events, habits, situations we never knew existed but we walk away changed and not for the good. Some of those toxins may even trigger dormant hurts from our past like shame, fear, and helplessness. We have to rely on our sixth sense, our intuition or our gut to remove ourselves from these poisons so that we do not suffer or get injured.

Have you ever been in a room where you could feel the tension and you know something just happened? Have you felt the shame as someone calls another worthless, and you take on that shame as if it was your own?

We need to listen to our intuition to save us from the ugly toxins that surround us. Do you have the courage to walk away in these situations?

You have permission to be FULL OF SELF….

March 1, 2014featured, homepagebe the best you can be, be you, be your best self, best, choices, courage, gender based violence, gender violence, love yourself, right you, self love, shine brightly, use your gift, use your talent, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

When I was growing up in Trinidad, I used to hear older people telling younger people (mainly younger girls) that “they were too full of themselves.”

Often times that phrase was followed by a swift beating…a lesson that would serve to “put you back in your place.”

I accepted it as truth, that women should NOT be full of self. That being full of self was boasting and bragging and evil and only the Devil made one do that.

I have CHANGED my mind!

Today, I am FULL OF SELF!

It took a lot of hard work to kick the old beliefs to the curb and watch the bus run over them and kill them in front if my eyes.
I began to change my mind when I began to believe that my gifts and talents were worthy of being shown.
I decided to stop hiding my light under a basket.

Lights and skills and talents need to be placed on high to do the best good.
What good is knowing how to sing and only singing to oneself?
What good is knowing how to lead and never taking the reins as the leader?

In case you were waiting for someone to give you permission to be Full of Self… I’m giving it to you now.

Go forth and be Full of your BEST SELF!

Will people say that you are bragging? Maybe.
Will people say you should be less in their face? Maybe.

The bigger question is…
What will you say to the talents and gifts that have been patiently waiting in the shadows?
Will you ask them to be quiet for another year or two or ten?

What if you ONLY have a few years left?

The truth is this. None of us know how much time we have left so we MUST use all that we have to make this world a better place.
One of my favorite quotes is from Erma Bombeck.

“When I stand before God at the end of my days, I want to say, I have nothing left I used it all.”

I want this to be my utterance also.

I invite you to use all your gifts and talents, start TODAY!

Love and light,

Indrani

When the invisible is finally seen… It can never again be hidden.

February 5, 2014featured, homepagebe patient, be present, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, gender based violence, gender violence, honor your emotions, honor yourself, love others, love yourself, patience, start newIndrani Goradia

Try to think of something important, significant and poignant that you know now, but to which you used to be ignorant.

For me, it is the fragility of teenagers.

There was a time, before I had children, that I did not know the in credibility of teenage-hood.
I used to think that they were just younger versions of adults, that it was just a chronological thing for them.

I did not know that their brains were barely baked, or that their executive functioning skills were sorely lacking, or that they had the capacity to think of others.

Let me make a side note here. There ARE some teenagers who are incredibly mature and make ALL the “right” decisions….the kind of decisions that make adults proud and secure in their parenting skills. Yes, there are many of these beings.

If you know one of those beings… run, do not walk and hug them. Give the permission to make mistakes and to break some rules.

Give them permission to be one of the “other” kinds of teenagers.

Now that I know a few more things about the way teenagers behave, and that as parents, we should not take it personally, I can never not know.

This knowing, gives me the gift of compassion for teenagers and their witless parents.
The kind of witless parent I used to be.

In the words of Mark Nepo, ” …what has become visible and true will not become invisible again.”
Mark Nepo tells us that honoring ourselves means that “we will not pretend to be ignorant to what we know to be true…”

When we allow our knowing to inform our living, we live in honor of spirit of all things. We especially live in honor of ourselves.

Can we be patient enough to hold honor for all the “future KNOWINGS” that we will receive in the exact right time?

That is indeed a hard task.

Try to think of something you desperately want to know now…something that is bothering you in a deep and confusing way.

Can you give yourself the gift of patience and time to allow the knowing to appear to you?

If the answer is “no way,” then you have chosen a path very fraught with brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

Yes, you will be caught on the many branches in the way as you barge thru the unknown.

If, however, the answer is a soft “maybe,” then you stand a chance of less pain and less regret. You will allow yourself to step over the brambles and sticker bushes. You will be more discerning with your steps.

If your answer is a resounding “yes,” then you, my friend, will be still enough to see the different path, the one clear from the brambles and sticker bushes and cacti.

I do not know which decision you will make but know this, YOU can always start again and make a different decision.

Remember to learn from the hasty decisions though, lest you trip yourself up again.

Wait…wait for the path to be clear. Wait for the clearer path to show itself.

Wait.

It may be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.
Love and light,
Indrani

Striking a match… it’s important to know which end is which

January 18, 2014featured, homepagebest, choices, courage, find your own path, follow your own path, gender based violence, gender violence, letting go of negative, love yourself, right action, right you, shine brightly, use your gift, use your gifts, use your talent, use your talents, you, you are uniqueIndrani Goradia

The other night, I was trying to light a candle and was furiously striking the match but nothing was happening. Lamenting at how matches are so poorly made these days, I carried the candle into a lit room to try to find some different matches ONLY to realize that I was not striking the flint end if the match!

Man…did I feel dumb. I had to take back all the horrible things I was thinking about the match box manufacturer.

This, of course, had me thinking about other ways I had been wasting my energy and not putting my talents and gifts to best use.

Like the time I’ve wasted wondering why I did not get a gig that I wanted or whether my talents were good enough.

Every time a missed opportunities happened it was because I was barking up the wrong tree…not striking the proper end of the match.

I was not following my own unique gifts and purposes.

Every time I missed “a chance” I was given the space to dig deeper for my truer purpose.

One really good example of this happened about 9 years ago. I was working alongside some people who had invited me to be with them at an O Event where O Magazine was putting on a conference. I was supposed to get a behind the scenes pass to help my mentor who was presenting from the stage. I had to buy my own tickets and pay for my own hotel room but I would have the opportunity to talk to others about my coaching.

ONE day before I was supposed to be in Boston for the event, I got a call from one of my “colleagues” (the one who invited me in the first place) and she says, “I’m not sure how you thought you were invited. We never said that.”

I was devastated but I went anyway since it was my own money on the line.
I nursed my feelings of displacement and tried not to show anger when I saw my “colleagues”.

I am grateful now that those people showed me their true colors.
It forced me to figure out my own path and to strike out on my own.

I can see now that I was striking the wrong end of the match. As hard as I tried to make that opportunity work for me, there was NO FLINT to engage. There was just a lot of nothing. I could not make something from nothing.

I was forced to “make my own flint” and follow my own path.

So the next time you see a missed opportunity, ask yourself if there was any flint there in the first place.
Perhaps you are being asked to look elsewhere, to use your talents elsewhere and to strike out on your own in another place.

Love and light,
Indrani

The Department of Emotions….

December 21, 2013featured, homepageanger, balance, be present, best, bliss, choices, courage, ecstasy, emotions, find joy, gender based violence, gender violence, Gratitude, gratitude practice, happiness, hatred, Joy, love, love others, love yourself, miracles, passion, rage, respect, right action, start new, Stress, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

If you should see a sign above a beautiful doorway in a lovely building that reads Department of Emotions, you may be curious.
You may enter cautiously, with glee or maybe with anxiety. Let’s assume that you do enter and begin to look around.

Within this department, you may find floor upon floor of beautiful offices with open doors and nicely dressed people working away.
These employees have the job of dispensing emotions to the whole world. They actually love their jobs.
The way they do it is that they get telegraphic requests and they dispatch emotions at the speed of light.

You want Joy? Done.
Gratitude? Yes, lots being dispensed these days.

You look around some more and realize that some employees are sitting still, making no movement with no work to do.
You look at their titles and there seems to be a theme….Bliss, Ecstasy, Passion and you wonder why.

Then you wander some more and see some employees over-burdened, just dragging and stressed and you glance at their titles.
You see another theme…
Anger
Rage
Hatred

You ask them why they are so exhausted and they don’t even have time to look up or answer you.
One of the other employees, the one called Ecstasy, tells you that some emotions are overused and the guys dispensing them cannot catch a break. No time for rest or sleep. No one seems to be taking breaks from fits of anger, rants full if rage or blinding hatred.

Then you begin to realize that you too have overused some emotions and woefully underused others.
You cannot remember the last time you telegraphed for Bliss or Passion and forget about Ecstasy.

Dear reader,

I know that this blog is way out there. I hope that it gives you pause to consider which emotions you over use and which others you ignore.
I encourage you to use less anger and rage and use more of joy, bliss and passion.
Find something to be passionate about…a hobby or a cause.
Find Joy in the everyday stuff, even little things like the gift of sight or the ability to still climb stairs.
I believe it was Albert Einstein who said we can behave as if nothing is a miracle, or as if everything is a miracle.
Let’s live the miracles that are all around us.
Love and light,
Indrani

Arrivals and departures…..

December 11, 2013featured, homepagean empowered no, awareness, balance, be present, best, choices, courage, energy, gender based violence, gender violence, give to others, give to yourself, how to say no, inner peace, invest your energy, journey, letting go of negative, love, love others, love yourself, respect, right action, right you, saying no, self love, self respect, standing your ground, travel, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

I have JUST returned from a LONG journey.

I have been on the road for almost 18 days and my body felt the effects of always being UP and AWARE and OPEN.

I need some time to be DOWN and INTROSPECTIVE and CLOSED.

I need to be closed to the outer world and open to me.

What happens when we to give too much to others?

We have less to keep for ourselves.

We must strike a never ending balance to the outer and the inner world.

This Holiday season makes giving the norm.

I ask you to save some of the giving for yourself.

Save some of the awareness of what others need for being aware of what you need.

It may mean saying a NO to yet another gathering.

It may mean saying YES to being still and listening to the aches and pains of your body.

ONLY you can decide this.

Take some time to sort out where you are investing your precious energy.

Love and light,

Indrani

Are you living in a cage?

November 27, 2013featured, homepagean empowered no, an empowered yes, be free, be true to you, be truthful, best, cage, choices, courage, fear, free yourself, gender based violence, gender violence, how to say no, letting go of negative, living in a cage, love yourself, right action, right you, self love, start new, use your voice, youAndrea Lee

“Even a golden cage is still a cage.” – Indrani

Are you living in a cage at all in some way, in your life or business?

No matter how good things might seem on the outside, or to others, only you can know if your heart is in a cage.

What is no longer an active “yes”, that you’re not saying “no” to? That is a cage, too.

What “no” are you needing to say and what is the “yes” that gets to pop up if you are brave enough to do that?

And if you look closely, is the cage you’re in really so golden? When you really open your eyes, and discover the cage is actually just a plain metal one, what does that do to release you to fly free?

As fearful as it may be to be bold and do the uncertain thing, if you tell the truth to yourself, you will hear that you are afraid anyway sitting on your perch doing nothing or little.

Which would you prefer – to be free and afraid, or afraid inside a cage?

Fuel enough to burn through gravity!

November 23, 2013featured, homepageabuse, abuser, an empowered no, best, child, children, choices, courage, domestic violence, fear, find you team, find your strength, fuel, gender based violence, gender violence, get help, get professional help, gravitational pull, how to say no, love yourself, respect, self love, self respect, start new, Stop domestic violence, truth, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Have you ever seen a shuttle lift off?

From what I have read, shuttles use over half of their fuel supply to break out of the earth’s gravitational pull.
After the shuttle breaks free, the fuel usage drops significantly.
If there is not enough combustion and the propulsion does not quite allow the shuttle to break out then all that initial work, all that burning will be for naught!
The shuttle will fall back down and shatter.

I like this metaphor for looking at what it takes to leave an abuser.
In order to leave, you have to have some initial fuel. Perhaps it’s a threat that you finally believe. Perhaps it’s yet another physical attack. Something fuels you to run for your life.
If you do not have the reserves of fuel to help you to stay gone (breaking free of the gravitational pull of the abuser) you will fall right back into their pull and burn up, all over again!

What are those reserves of fuel?

Those reserves are LOVE for yourself and your children.
Those reserves are finally realizing that your abuser tells you LIES!

The lies are that you are worthless, that you cannot survive without them, that you will live under a bridge or that NO ONE could ever love you.

Lies… All LIES!

The deeper you dig to find YOUR truths the better chance you have to stay gone to continue to free yourself of the gravitational pull of the abuser.

Abusers, like gravity, like to pull you DOWN.
They do not like you to move and think on your own. If they want you to think, they will TELL you what to think, when to think and how long to think it.
Abusers like to see themselves as mind readers, as purveyors of Truth!
The world revolves around them and the only thing that matters is what they believe to be so.
Read this former blog post, Bricks are for building and get an insight into some real life abuse.

How do you reserve enough fuel so that you can stay gone?
Some of the things you can do are:

TALK to professionals about your abuse.
Gather information on how abuse and abusers work.
Begin to identify the pattern in your abuse. 1. Event 2. Abuse 3. Honeymoon** 4. Apologies

**Note that in this 3rd stage, The Honeymoon Stage, is when the gravitational pull to go back to the abuse is strongest. You WANT to believe that he means it THIS time. You want to believe that he WILL never hit or rape or threaten you again. Oh, how you LONG to believe it. Beware of this gravitational pull.

All abuse follows this formula.
Sometimes the time frame between the stages varies from minutes to hours to days and even months. I have also seen the stages take years, but it still follows this formula. The abuse is still present.

Keep notes (in a VERY safe place) and note how many things you are being accused of. Ask yourself if you are really that powerful as to make those things all happen.
If indeed you WERE that powerful, would you not make the abuser stop hurting you?

You cannot fight this fight alone. It takes a whole team of qualified engineers and staff personnel to safely send that shuttle off into space. You need a team of qualified people to help you to blast away and more importantly, stay away.

Find your team.
Refill your fuel reserves.
Blast away.
Stay away.
Far away, until you love yourself SO much, that you will never again believe the lies.

Love and light,
Indrani

Indrani’s Light Foundation

Supporting Advocates to Support Others

Tag Archives: love yourself

Counteracting the internal predator…being supportive to self.

Transactional or relational…what kind of relationship do you want?

What stinks?

You have permission to be FULL OF SELF….

When the invisible is finally seen… It can never again be hidden.

Striking a match… it’s important to know which end is which

The Department of Emotions….

Arrivals and departures…..

Are you living in a cage?

Fuel enough to burn through gravity!

Give to Indrani’s Light Foundation