Tag Archives: right action

What do I do after the beating?

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via Pixabay“What do I do after the beating?” She asked.

She was only 16 or 17 years old.  I had just given a short presentation to a group of students and I asked for questions.

She was brave.

She asked what she could do after she had been beaten, and still had to stay in the house.

My heart hurt for her.  I knew her pain at a cellular level.  I knew her well. I WAS her.  I remember being beaten so badly and having welts all over my body, and having to dry my tears.  I was told to “go wash your face and when you come out I better not see any crying, you asked for that beating.”

Of course, dear reader, I did not ask for any beating. I had made some childish mistake and I was whipped like I had murdered someone.  I remember going to the bathroom, and I was not allowed to shut the door, the abuser needed to “see” that I was not going to have any more “crocodile tears.”  I had to suck up all my pain and come out smiling like a good girl.  This behavior lasted well into my 50’s.

Don’t let them see you cry those crocodile tears. “They don’t care “…was the voice in my head.

To this day, I still have a hard time owning my pure emotion and I have to fight really hard to not push them down, allow them to morph into anger or rage, or blame.  It will probably be a life long lesson.  Some days I win and some days I lose.

I told the young lady to try to find a place of solitude in her home and tell herself that one day, she will be out of the house and the abuse will stop.

She could not tell her parents, her parents would be angrier that she “embarrassed the family,” and she would be beaten even more.  I told her to use school as a respite.  I wish I had someone to tell these things to me.  I did not.  I had no one to tell me that the abuser was wrong, even though they were caregivers, and said they were beating me because they loved me.

They were wrong.  They were telling lies.

We do not hurt what we claim to love.

I deserved love and attention and guidance, not rage and anger and beatings.  I have a clear memory of being about 12 years old and kneeling at the side of my bed, praying.  My abuser came into the room and asked what I was praying for, and I said for strength.  The abuser was pleased.

Yes, I was praying for strength, but strength to live in my hellhole called my childhood.

If I could not get the strength, I prayed that God would take me that night because I could not go on.  I was praying to die, at 12 years old.  I was not taken, so I guess I got the strength …… and that strength has been parlayed into the work I do now.  We are resilient beings. We can stand a lot of pain.  If you are in a hellacious situation, and you are an adult, reach out to your local shelter for confidential help. Even if you don’t leave, there are services you can access. They can help you with a plan.

There are people who care that you are in pain.

If you know a child living in a hellacious home, try to be a point of comfort to that child.  They need to know you will keep their confidences and that you are a safe place to lay some burdens.

Be that safe place for someone.  Someone needs you.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Female Avatars – Helping teach about gender equality? – A follow up post

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(You can read the first part of this post here: http://indranislight.org/female-avatars-helping-teach-about-gender-equality/)

Almost a year has passed since I wrote the original “Female Avatar” post, and I have been waiting, and waiting, to write a victorious follow up. A post where I could tell you that using a female character in that video game, and the conversations that followed, made a difference in how my son views gender.

The problem being, there were no earth shattering changes for me to report from that original conversation.

Sure, there were little signs of change. My son would get excited and cheer on the female contestants in America Ninja Warrior competitions, but he would also comment that “the girls never make it as far as the boys” (which is true, but still made me wonder if his view was changing).

We read, Wings of Fire, a series of books with some female main characters. However, these characters were also dragons, and my son LOVES everything dragon. So, I wasn’t sure if he was accepting the female characters completely, or if he was accepting them because of their dragon status.

My son has also become more accepting of the colour purple, which may seem unimportant, but for years purple has fallen into the category of “princess colour” and “boys don’t like princesses”. Unfortunately, pink, is still a colour that forms a grimace on his now 8-year-old face, and a disgusted comment of “pink is for girls.”

Now, to give the poor little guy a break, he is only 8 years old, so I am not expecting him to approach me and ask to have an in-depth discussion about gender norms and how he can work towards behaving in a manner that supports equality (to be honest, if that DID happen I would be a bit wigged out). But, I have been hoping that something “8-year-old big” would happen, showing that he was starting to see that boys and girls are equals.

That 8-year-old-big event happened last week.

We were in Kids Books, an amazing bookstore in Vancouver BC, shopping with Fionn’s cousins for some books for his birthday the following day. I was looking through some 7 to 10-year-old book series when I felt a poke. Looking down I saw Fionn, three books precariously clutched in his arms, looking up at me.

“Daddy, how about these books, they sound awesome”

“You’ve read the backs?” I asked, taking the books from his hands.

“Yes, they sound really cool.”

“For you to read, or for me to read to you?”

“I think I can read them, but I want you to read them to me.”

I looked down at the first book and the 8-year-old-big moment happened when I saw the cover:

sun catcher amazon

Let’s break this down from the view of a Dad, trying to teach his son about gender equality, and see that boys are not better than girls:

  • The picture on the front of the book is clearly a girl, and he still chose to pick up the book and read more.
  • The subtitle of the book has the word “witch” (a “girl” word) in it.

Most importantly, and amazing for me:

  • The subtitle has the word “princess” in it. A word that my son, and all of his friends usually have an allergic reaction to, with much frowning and spitting, followed by “princesses are dumb.”

All right, as earth shattering as this book selection already was for me, it might not be convincing for you. Totally understandable.

I smiled down at Fionn as I turned the book over to read the back, which read:
“Silk tells stories. It sings of secrets long forgotten. It sings of fire. Maia dreams of being a Story Teller, or a Weaver, like her father, Tareth. But when the Watcher names her Sun Catcher, she must face a destiny that Tareth has kept hidden from her. For Maia is more powerful than she knows, and she is about to discover that though the sun’s fire may be dangerous…so is she.”

The back of the book makes it clear that the protagonist is female, and, from the sounds of it, a female that will be kicking some serious butt. Looking at the backs of the other two books, each book is clearly about girls leading the way and being the focus of the story. Not just a side character in the book, but a female protagonist.

For me, after just a year ago when my son refused to even think about reading Tamora Pierce’s “Song of the Lioness Quartet” because the main character was a girl, this is a big sign that our conversation around gender equality has shifted.

Whether it was switching my video game avatar to a female character, or the follow up conversations we have had, or the changes I have made in my own behaviors that has brought about this shift I cannot say.

To be honest I don’t care what has made the difference, but I cannot explain how much pride I felt in this simple moment in the bookstore when my son chose Sheila Rance’s trilogy of books to be our next “Dad and Son” reading project.

I looked up from the backs of the books and smiled, “you bet buddy. Let’s get them all, they sound awesome.”

Fionn smiled, turned, and ran off down one of the aisles to look for more books.

 

 

Staying in YOUR OWN business will reduce SELF ABUSE….

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office-336368_640Some of you will have read the title of this blog and have no earthly idea where I will be going.

Others of you will say, “But of course, everyone knows this!”

Still others may just be amused that the title may seem trite.

Let me tell you a story to make this topic come alive. A few years ago, at a business conference I heard a CEO of a large company recall an instance of how this manifested in the C suite.

He was sitting and engaged in his work when he was interrupted by his personal secretary to say that someone from Marketing had a very serious issue.

Being a benevolent CEO, he stopped his work and took the unscheduled meeting.

The Marketing employee came to to tell the CEO that EVERYONE in the Marketing department hated the manager. She listed (painfully) a long string of names of those who had been wronged and how they were wronged and just how affronted she was at the whole state of affairs in the Marketing dept.

The CEO, leaned back in his chair (sure fire behavior that she had lost his attention) and asked her ONE question.

This was it…”Were you appointed by the WHOLE department to bring these atrocities to my attention?”

The answer was a halting and faltering “no.”

He continued, “No one asked you to come to me with this litany of complaints.”

She said, “no.”

He said, leaning forward, “What is YOUR specific problem with your job?”

She blurted out that someone who did less work than she did was making more money than she was.

The CEO, then simply told us these words, “If she had come in with ONLY her problem, we would have looked at it and made a correction. The fact that she was in everyone’s business was so unprofessional that she threw herself under a bus.”

I heard that story many years ago.

I really had not assimilated it to other life incidents as efficiently as I did a few days ago while I was mediating between a home owner and a domestic helper.

I started with the domestic helper first and I asked what her concernS were and she began a litany of past ills NOT against herself but against others she had heard about.

She told me about “Mary” who was underpaid and about “Janice” who was put upon and “had” to ignore her own family and on and on.

I could NOT find a way into this woman’s issues and her individual problems.

Every time I tried to speak she blocked me with another litany.

I then asked her to STOP.

I said I am going to tell you a story. I told her the story from the CEO, the story above. She was enthralled.

I asked her, at the end of the story, to tell me what the CEO was disappointed about and why.

She was able to identify that the employee was in everyone’s business but her own!

Then, I said “Are you in other people’s business with all the stories you were telling me and not able to identify your own issues?”

She agreed that she was indeed NOT in her business.

I had been observing her facial expressions and body language as she retold the stories that were not hers to tell. She was agitated and closed in and contracted.

When she began to be in her business she was open and her face was not contorted. She was actually able to smile and laugh at some of the humor that I was pointing out.

The moral of this story is:

When we stay in our business we practice self care at its finest.

Byron Katie has a great worksheet for understanding whose business you are in.

Please visit www.byronkatie.com/judgethyneighbor

You will be amazed at what you discover.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

How important is it to you?

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gloves via cocoparisienne on PixabayRecently I was on a flight to an important business meeting. I was very organized and even brought my lunch from home so I would have a healthy choice.

I made it easy on myself, I packed the food in disposable containers and put it in its own bag so I could throw away the whole thing when I was done.

Things went very well, I ate a little, took a little nap and then ate some more. The attendant came around and I pushed the trash into the rolling cart myself.

Then, I had a thought… did I throw my telephone away in the food bag?

I reached under the seat, dragged my purse out and searched every nook and cranny on the inside.

No phone.

I sat back and took a deep breath.

What was my next step?

Well, that’s easy, go thru the trash!

I walked to the back of the plane and told the attendants my dilemma and they gave me some gloves and I got busy.

I dived into the rolling cart of trash.

I was so happy to have the gloves and to have had the presence of mind to look for my phone while I was still on the flight.

I looked thoroughly. I did not find it.

I had to rethink… if it’s not in the trash then I must not have searched my purse very carefully.

So I walked back to my seat and emptied my whole purse and there, in a very hidden pocket, I found it. I smiled!

Let me tell you what was great about this event:

1.  I never, not even once, called myself a name!
2.  I never spoke disparagingly about myself to the attendants!
3.  I never once complained about having to dig in the trash!

As I sat in my seat being grateful for the positive outcome I realized that there were hidden lessons in this experience.

What if we could identify the very important things in life that we lose, the VERY moment that we lose them? What if, we could arm ourselves with what we need, like gloves for trash diving, and we could happily get the work done?

We would get the work done because we would know that it was too important to lose.

The first time we lose our self respect, we go looking for it and not rest until we figured out what happened.

The first time we disrespected a child by screaming or physically abusing, we would stop and apologize and get help to treat them better in the future.

We would not blame them for our inability to be mature adults.

If we could really look at life and what we lose everyday the way we look at our prized possessions, we have a really great chance of keeping our humanity intact and we have a greater chance of keeping the relationships that are important to us.

Get those emotional gloves on and a start digging for the gifts you may have misplaced.

It’s your quality of life and it’s worth the effort.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Then there were two….

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I was speaking to a very dear friend the other day.

She said that she had 6 beautiful bowls that someone had given to her a long time ago.

The other day she noticed that there were only 3 and she realized that some of them were broken.

She felt happy that she had 3 left.

She began to tell her young daughter who had been helping with her dishes.

She turned away to do something and heard the awful sound…

CRASH!

She froze and realized that something had broken.

She did not know what it was. She turned to the sink full of dishes and saw her sweet daughter, shaking and fearful and she heard these words, “Sorry mom it was an accident, I did not mean it. Sorry mom.”

My dear friend said, “Now there are two.”

And then she smiled.

The worry on the daughter melted away and the mom showed her child how easy it was to show compassion and to to teach her child that mistakes can and will happen.

As my friend was telling me this story I saw the realization on her face that her child had been shaking because she fully expected to be yelled and screamed at.

My friend knew that she had been a teller and she had parented with anger in the past.

She also knew that she had been intentional in the way she had been parenting the past few years and that she had significantly changed the energy in the family.

She had been able to forge a deeper connection with her son and she had been showing her daughter what unconditional love really is.

Here, at this moment, it meant that she loved her daughter MORE than she ever could love those dishes.

She chose to NOT break her child.

She chose to parent with understanding and respect.

I have known this woman for a long time. I know how hard this woman has worked to get to a place of peace and tranquility.

I applaud her willingness to change the way she used to parent and to seek new ways and to know that she was doing the best for her kids.

Most people say, “My parents did it this way and I turned out ok.”

My view is why just settle for OK when we can be wiser and better than OK?

Let us thrive as parents and constantly better ourselves so we can raise a brighter generation. One that will know more than we will ever know and will be in charge of the welfare of our grandchildren.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Shareworthy: Calling all teachers…..

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child-636022_1280If you are a teacher, you must check out our good friend Tanya Kelley, Ally to Teachers Who Are Burning Out.

Today we are sharing one of Tanya’s posts, called Ending Well, which is a great read for teachers of all kinds. Tanya also offers a free group coaching call called I’m SOOO DONE with that child! Click here to learn more or to sign up.

Happy End of Year to all of our teacher friends! And happy reading!

Ending Well

by Tanya Kelley

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Cheers to you! As you take down the artwork and fancy writing assignments. Cheers to you! They’ve come so far since that first day you met them. Cheers to you — the year is over! And the 2014 / 2015 class picture takes its place with the others. Whew!

Maybe you’ll see them next year, but it won’t be the same. You’ll have a new class. They’ll have a new teacher. There are some students you hate to see go. But frankly, when it comes to others, you think, “thank heavens I will not have to deal with that child next year!” And in the same breath, the talk among your grade level team is thick with speculation about who is going to get the problem students next year.

Ending well is a process of letting go of the worst of times and the best of times and preparing to embrace a new class. It is also an opportunity to deepen personal and professional wisdom. If you’re willing to go there, it means taking a moment to linger with the memories and spirit of your problem child before moving on. If you decide to do so, above all, be gentle with yourself.

Rant

We’ve all had students who get under our skin. We breathe a sign of relief and the shoulders visibly let down when they are absent. We’re exhausted by the turmoil, conflict, strife, and high level of demand they bring to the classroom. We don’t want to feel that way. We maintain our best professional demeanor. But inside, we rail. We rant. “Why does it have to be such a struggle, every day? It’s so unfair!”

Consider a rant-o-rama. Basically a rant fest. Grab some paper and something to write with. Set a timer for 2 – 4 minutes. Rant about this problem child. Use your ugliest handwriting, caps, underlines, exclamation points, and emoticons. Stamp your foot if you want. Have a little tizzy fit now that the pressure is off. Or score your place in Monday’s “The Year’s Over and I’m SOOO Done” call at 10:00! Click here.

Reflect

Later, when you have some time to quietly and calmly reflect, set aside 5 to 10 minutes. Approach this reflective time with a spirit of curious inquiry.

How is it that this child had such an ability to rile me up? What do I wish she could have been or done instead? Besides this child, what other people or situations bring up these same responses for me?

If you sense another rant-o-rama coming on, consider whether it would be beneficial to go back to that step, or it it would be best for you to return to a calm, reflective place of curious inquiry right now. Or, you might decide that now is not a good time to reflect. Remember to be gentle with yourself!

You may think, “Why even go there? The year is over. I never have to deal with her again. It’s not worth my time and energy.”

Here are 2 reasons why you might want to go there:

  1. Because there will be a next time! The universe has a sense of humor, that’s for sure. You’ll get another chance to deal with a similar personality or set of circumstances. Wouldn’t it be nice if the cray-cray is a little less intense next time?
  2. Because going there give you a chance to know and do differently next time. A small shift can make a difference.

Release

Find the smallest thing that you can to admire, appreciate, or like about your mighty little tyrant. Mixed emotions are welcomed:

“Well, she did have this outrageous spunk — totally out of line in the classroom, the little brat — but she would be fabulous as my defense attorney, if I ever needed one!”

“Dang, if he wasn’t stubborn! Once he made a decision, he followed it through — too bad he missed out on what I could have taught him this year — but man, was he committed!”

And finally, allow yourself a touch of what you’re admiring, appreciating, or liking about the child. In your own adult, grown up, wise and beneficial way, bring some of the child’s spirit into your world. Because maybe what she was trying to show you all along was that a little outrageous spunk every once in a while is not such a bad thing.

Written by Tanya Kelley. 

Visit Tanya’s blog here.

Are you trading self-respect for fake protection?

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51kzKRuJCYL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_Self-respect is defined by Nathaniel Branden as “the conviction of our own value. It is not a delusion that we are perfect or superior to everyone else. It is not comparative or competitive at all it is the conviction that our life and well being are worth acting to support, protect and nurture, that we are good and worthwhile and deserving of the respect of others; and that our happiness and personal fulfillment are important enough to work for.”

When a woman is forced into a marriage that she does not want, when she is forced to birth more children than she desires or is forced into aborting fetuses that are the “wrong” gender, that is not respecting a woman.

Some of these issues are couched in cultural language that makes it seem iron clad for women to “behave certain ways and accept traditional roles.”

I would like to float the idea that NOTHING is iron clad and traditions had to start somewhere, so we can be brave enough to make new ones.

This kind of bravery can only sprout from deep and abiding self-respect, nothing short of consistent self awareness.

We cannot fall asleep to how we live our daily lives, make daily choices and then wonder why our self-respect is in shambles.

“To appreciate why our need for self-respect is so urgent, consider the following : To live successfully, we need to pursue and achieve values. To act appropriately, we need to value the beneficiary of our actions. Absent this conviction, we will not know how to take care of ourselves, protect our legitimate interests, satisfy our needs, or enjoy our own achievements.” Nathaniel Branden

I urge you to read, no, to devour, Six Pillars of Self Esteem. It is by far one of the best books that anyone who has received abuse or is presently receiving abuse can read. It will give you the language to demand the respect you need for yourself, the respect you will expect from others and the strength to say NO, I will not accept disrespect anymore.

Love and light,

Indrani

Does this make you angry?

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2015-05-15_1552The day started off like most days, I brew a pot of coffee
for my wife and I and she turns on the tv and gets ready for
work.

We were both in a great mood.

In an instant I was pissed off, angry and appalled.

Why?

Watch for yourself!

Let me start by saying that I love a good joke, BUT this is NOT funny.

Not in the slightest.

It is disrespectful and the people that did this are gutless, cowards.

They are not men.

And when given the opportunity to acknowledge and apologize, they choose to dig their heals in even deeper.

I did not choose to wake up to this, but I choose to stand up and say this has to stop NOW.

So what can we men do?

When we hear or see something that makes us sick, we need to say and do something.

They need to know that is not cool or funny, and hear it from us men as well.

This is not a feminist “thing”…..it’s a respect thing.

We all need to Man up.

 

1901511_1022259281136811_1508448638574535038_nShawn Shepheard

Author of “Life Is Sweet – Surviving Diabetes and a Whole Lot of Other Crazy Stuff!”

http://www.sugarfreeshawn.com/life-is-sweet/

Violence IS NOT Par for the course….

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golf-83869_1280Let me explain to the best of my ability what the phrase “par for the course” means.

A golf course is comprised of 18 different “holes” and each hole has a number.

Golfers will always know which hole they hate the most. That would mean it’s the most difficult.

Levels of difficulty can vary from length from where the golfer begins each hole, called the TEE, to where the golfer needs to sink the putt, the green.

Often a golfer cannot even see the green from the tee. The configuration of the hole can include a huge hill, over which the golfer cannot see the green.  The layout can even include an angle and will completely obscure a certain portion of that green.

Each hole must be played according to the integrity of the hole and each golfer approaches their game in his or her own unique way.

The biggest thing I learned while watching the Masters was that the length of a hole was represented by the number that came after the word PAR.

So a Par 3 hole would be shorter in length, but still have as many challenges as a Par 5.

The number ideally means that a golfer can get from start to finish in the prescribed number of holes.

I say ideally because even on a Par 3 a golfer can have a heck of a time sinking his ball in 3 strokes.

The biggest eye opener for me was that a stroke of, let’s say 350 yards, was AS important and significant as the short stroke, called a putt, of 2 or 3 feet.

Anything can happen, and as I saw at the Masters a “sure thing” was often not so sure.

How does this game of golf and the distance of the strokes apply to women who are trying to escape from abuse or women who are simple trying to set a boundary?

The significance is this….

It DOES NOT matter if you take a small, seemingly insignificant action with an abuser like staying out of his way when he is gearing up to strike, or whether you take a huge step of calling the police and getting you and your family out of danger permanently. The most important thing to do is to take ONE step towards the life you want for yourself.

The golfer must have faith in their ability to take the breath and swing his arm with the club attached and then begin to walk to wherever the ball landed and do the same action all over again. Over and over and over. And always with a calm and peaceful demeanor.

What is par for the course of a life without violence?

This is a question that is unanswerable.

We do not know HOW MANY challenges life will throw our way. We do not know how many times we will have the take the same action, the same step with the same person until we can get it thru to them. That we will NOT under ANY circumstances accept any more acts of violence.

We are not in control of whether we contract a serious illness or if a loved one will meet with an accident. As I’m writing this, a dear friends nephew was just shot.

We ARE, however, in control of whether we will accept abuse.

If we all had a ZERO tolerance for accepting abuse, the first time a person did an abusive act would be the last, because we would say “Oh no, not with me, not ever.”

Take a breath.

Take your best stroke/step.

Repeat until you have the culture of peace you require for yourself.

Love and light,

Indrani