Tag Archives: right action

What stinks?

via Sourpuss-Jenny-Erickson-S.-ExchangeEver walk into a room and instantly notice that something smells?  Stale smoke, mold, mildew. A habit like smoking lingers…so even if you are not the smoker and you are breathing the smoke second hand, you can be effected.  The toxins stick.

Toxic people and situations stick to stuff.

Abuse not only affects the victim and those who may be witnesses but as a party several degrees removed, you still can sense the anger and fear. Perhaps it is a broken lamp, a noticeable bruise or wound, a torn piece of clothing, a broken window…the violence now affects you.  You may feel scared, fearful, and angry at the perpetrator. You find yourself walking on egg shells in a play that has ended but the signs are still there.  Now you have the toxins.

The toxins of verbal abuse resonate beyond the fight.  A husband and wife argue. The wife saturated with the toxins of her husband’s venom then pushes those toxins out to her children. You are at the playground or school and you see the kids now fighting using the same words they heard at home, the name calling, the demeaning talk.  Now those toxins from the original argument have affected those who are unaware of the verbal toxins of the home. Now they have affected innocent people outside of the original dumping ground.

We expose ourselves to third party toxins from events, habits, situations we never knew existed but we walk away changed and not for the good.  Some of those toxins may even trigger dormant hurts from our past like shame, fear, and helplessness.   We have to rely on our sixth sense, our intuition or our gut to remove ourselves from these poisons so that we do not suffer or get injured.

Have you ever been in a room where you could feel the tension and you know something just happened?  Have you felt the shame as someone calls another worthless, and you take on that shame as if it was your own?

We need to listen to our intuition to save us from the ugly toxins that surround us.  Do you have the courage to walk away in these situations?

Practice the successes… not the failures

concentrate via wellnessonlineA few weeks ago in the NY Times, I read an article on how Olympians use imagery to practice their jumps, runs and plays.

One of the team psychologists, Nicole Dietling said, “In images, it is absolutely crucial that you don’t fail. You are training those muscles and if you train those muscles to fail that is not where you really want to be. So one of the things I will do is if they fail in the image, we stop, rewind and replay again and again and again.”

I think that we can use this technique for creating the quality of life we expect for ourselves. We cannot use imagery to change another’s behaviors but we can use imagery to change our own behaviors.

Let’s say for example, that you have a teenager that drives you batty. You have tried everything you know and still the two of you end up in screaming and shouting matches.

YOU can use imagery to change the behaviors you want to change in yourself.

If you wish to NOT be in a shouting match, you can use imagery to bring up a fight that recurs with your child and when you SEE yourself losing it, STOP and rewind to the beginning of the fight and imagine yourself using a different behavior.

The sports psychologists who teach imagery teach that the athletes must see, feel, smell, hear and taste the entire scenario. So an athlete will be able to conjure up the wind in their face, the taste of the air, the smells of the venue, etc.

Similarly, you can use imagery to see which areas of contention get to you the most with the teenager.

You can begin to change your reactions to the child and control where the conversation will go.

When I had teenagers, I hated that I would often fall into the very shouting match I so desperately wanted to avoid.

I wish I would have known about imagery back then.

I think as parents we need to use every tool we have at our disposal to teach our children how to be calm and controlled adults and when we lose it, we just teach them that we have a lot of learning to do.

Let’s try to utilize all the techniques that are proven so we can model great parenting for our children. After all, most of us want grand kids and do we want our children yelling at our grand kids the way we are yelling at them?

I hope this helps the next time you feel that you are losing it, but it will ONLY help if you practice using imagery when you are not in the midst of the crisis.
Love and light,
Indrani

Striking a match… it’s important to know which end is which

downloadThe other night, I was trying to light a candle and was furiously striking the match but nothing was happening. Lamenting at how matches are so poorly made these days, I carried the candle into a lit room to try to find some different matches ONLY to realize that I was not striking the flint end if the match!

Man…did I feel dumb. I had to take back all the horrible things I was thinking about the match box manufacturer.

This, of course, had me thinking about other ways I had been wasting my energy and not putting my talents and gifts to best use.

Like the time I’ve wasted wondering why I did not get a gig that I wanted or whether my talents were good enough.

Every time a missed opportunities happened it was because I was barking up the wrong tree…not striking the proper end of the match.

I was not following my own unique gifts and purposes.

Every time I missed “a chance” I was given the space to dig deeper for my truer purpose.

One really good example of this happened about 9 years ago. I was working alongside some people who had invited me to be with them at an O Event where O Magazine was putting on a conference. I was supposed to get a behind the scenes pass to help my mentor who was presenting from the stage. I had to buy my own tickets and pay for my own hotel room but I would have the opportunity to talk to others about my coaching.

ONE day before I was supposed to be in Boston for the event, I got a call from one of my “colleagues” (the one who invited me in the first place) and she says, “I’m not sure how you thought you were invited. We never said that.”

I was devastated but I went anyway since it was my own money on the line.
I nursed my feelings of displacement and tried not to show anger when I saw my “colleagues”.

I am grateful now that those people showed me their true colors.
It forced me to figure out my own path and to strike out on my own.

I can see now that I was striking the wrong end of the match. As hard as I tried to make that opportunity work for me, there was NO FLINT to engage. There was just a lot of nothing. I could not make something from nothing.

I was forced to “make my own flint” and follow my own path.

So the next time you see a missed opportunity, ask yourself if there was any flint there in the first place.
Perhaps you are being asked to look elsewhere, to use your talents elsewhere and to strike out on your own in another place.

Love and light,
Indrani

Who is your OPRAH?

excited via glitterinmycoffee.tumblrWhen Oprah had her daily blockbuster talk show, I know people who had written books or had a specific platform for doing something that longed for Oprah’s people to call. They longed to be spotlighted so that their books could sell, their work could be showcased or that they could be famous.

In some instances though, a call from a behemoth like an Oprah could shut down an operation. If you were not geared up to accept millions of orders, field thousands of callers or to be thrust into the limelight, it could derail your work and your life.

Then perhaps, you were the type who wrote a lot of lies, as in A Million Little Pieces and were exposed and had to dig yourself out of a deep hole.

A call from someone like an Oprah may NOT be the next best step for you.

Recently, I got a call from a non-governmental organization called PSI.org and I am now partnering with them to eradicate Gender Based Violence.

The time was right for this call. This organization was my Oprah.

This organization can help me to spread my work and help me to shore up my own talents so that I increase my skills to do better work.

My point here is to be really specific of how your next best step with your work can be served.

It probably IS NOT the Oprahs of this world or the CNNs of the world. It is probably someone placed a little closer to you and who can enable you to take a next best and stronger step.

If, however, the Oprahs of the world call, you may have to have the courage to say no, or not yet or give me a few more years.

Only you can decide what your next best step is and it is most likely a simple step…not a leap.

Be patient, do your great work and plan your next best steps.

 

Love and light,
Indrani

The Department of Emotions….

fengshuiyourcubicleIf you should see a sign above a beautiful doorway in a lovely building that reads Department of Emotions, you may be curious.
You may enter cautiously, with glee or maybe with anxiety. Let’s assume that you do enter and begin to look around.

Within this department, you may find floor upon floor of beautiful offices with open doors and nicely dressed people working away.
These employees have the job of dispensing emotions to the whole world. They actually love their jobs.
The way they do it is that they get telegraphic requests and they dispatch emotions at the speed of light.

You want Joy? Done.
Gratitude? Yes, lots being dispensed these days.

You look around some more and realize that some employees are sitting still, making no movement with no work to do.
You look at their titles and there seems to be a theme….Bliss, Ecstasy, Passion and you wonder why.

Then you wander some more and see some employees over-burdened, just dragging and stressed and you glance at their titles.
You see another theme…
Anger
Rage
Hatred

You ask them why they are so exhausted and they don’t even have time to look up or answer you.
One of the other employees, the one called Ecstasy, tells you that some emotions are overused and the guys dispensing them cannot catch a break. No time for rest or sleep. No one seems to be taking breaks from fits of anger, rants full if rage or blinding hatred.

Then you begin to realize that you too have overused some emotions and woefully underused others.
You cannot remember the last time you telegraphed for Bliss or Passion and forget about Ecstasy.

Dear reader,

I know that this blog is way out there. I hope that it gives you pause to consider which emotions you over use and which others you ignore.
I encourage you to use less anger and rage and use more of joy, bliss and passion.
Find something to be passionate about…a hobby or a cause.
Find Joy in the everyday stuff, even little things like the gift of sight or the ability to still climb stairs.
I believe it was Albert Einstein who said we can behave as if nothing is a miracle, or as if everything is a miracle.
Let’s live the miracles that are all around us.
Love and light,
Indrani

Ego or preparation?

Sticker-ShockThe invitation was issued and I accepted. I was going to be one of the key note presenters at a very significant World Conference.

What would I wear?
How did I want to present myself to the attendees?
These and multitudes of questions rushed into my already overcrowded brain.

I decided that I wanted new luggage.
Luggage, I imagined, was part of the first impression….so I began to shop.
I saw that Tumi had some great designs out there and I had a 20% off coupon.
Ok, not paying full price, already a coup!
I got two pieces, one large and one carry on.
Half of the first impression done. Check.

Next, what would I wear on stage?
I had some very professional clothes that I loved and I thought I was set.
THEN, while window shopping one day, I saw IT!
The ensemble (yes, it was an ensemble and it did feel quite hoity toity to say it) was magnificent.
The colors were pink and orange and gold!
The dress even had a name, Horizon Sunset!
It was by a designer and I have never bought anything designer.
I was “talked into” trying it on.
I was mesmerized
It was perfect.
It would be the ray of sunlight that would lighten my topic of Gender Violence.
It would bring sunshine into the room.
The designer was there and she fitted it to my body. It would be a perfect fit, she said.
The dress arrived two weeks before I was due to leave. I had a final fitting and it was made to fit me perfect.
So, I happily packed my larger suitcase and more happily packed my carry on.
I have my sunshine dress, the shoes to go with it and two more outfits, just in case my luggage gets lost!
First impression… Ready set go!

NOT SO FAST.

Mishap ONE:
The BRAND NEW TUMI carry on BROKE on the first flight and I had to buy a cheap one to take its place! I called Tumi and let them have the full extent of my anger. “So sorry,” she said “we will be happy to fix it!” Really? Can you get me a new one NOW for the rest of my trip? “Ummm….no, but we are really sorry!”

Mishap TWO:
I get to St. Moritz, where I unpacked all my clothes and had them all professionally pressed so as to really make that perfect first impression. The day of my speech, I rest, I meditate and I put on the sunshine dress. I do my thing (and people love the dress!), I go up stairs to change for the dinner event, I take off my lovely dress and THERE… A LARGE GAPING HOLE where a seam ought to be! I was so upset! I let loose some choice words about the designer… and vowed to get every cent of my money back.

What did I learn?

Lesson ONE:
My old luggage was plenty good enough. I did not have to spend more money for new luggage.

Lesson TWO:
The clothes in my closet were plenty good enough and I did not have to suit up in any designer duds to try to impress anyone.

Lesson THREE:
People were coming to hear all the speakers and to be inspired by the good work that everyone was doing. I did not have to do any more than the work I had already done. My work spoke volumes.

Lesson FOUR:
I am cured of designer duds!

I was super disappointed at the stuff that went wrong but at the end of the day, I was happy with my performance and how I handled myself despite all the mishaps.

My work shone more brightly than the designer ensemble and held up under pressure better than the Tumi bag.

Let’s remember what is really important in life…it’s the stuff we DO, not the stuff we own!
I think I allowed my ego to run amok and I got clobbered for it.

Next time, I am shopping my closet and borrowing bags from family members.

Love and light,
Indrani

Arrivals and departures…..

landings-airplane via chrisqueen.netI have JUST returned from a LONG journey.

I have been on the road for almost 18 days and my body felt the effects of always being UP and AWARE and OPEN.

I need some time to be DOWN and INTROSPECTIVE and CLOSED.

 

I need to be closed to the outer world and open to me.

 

What happens when we to give too much to others?

We have less to keep for ourselves.

We must strike a never ending balance to the outer and the inner world.

 

This Holiday season makes giving the norm.

I ask you to save some of the giving for yourself.

Save some of the awareness of what others need for being aware of what you need.

It may mean saying a NO to yet another gathering.

It may mean saying YES to being still and listening to the aches and pains of your body.

ONLY you can decide this.

Take some time to sort out where you are investing your precious energy.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Total recall…or false memories

black-blackandwhite-fun-grey-memories-favim-coThere is a new movie out called Total Recall. I have not seen it and this is not a commentary on that movie.

Rather, this is about what we remember and what we choose to forget.

I know for a fact that three people will have three different interpretations for any particular event. They may get the facts right, like who married whom, but their memories of the service and wedding will be different.

I am wondering if what I remember is really what happened or could I have been convinced that I remembered wrongly?
People are quick to interrupt us and tell us how “it really happened.” I have been witness to many a marital fight that was based on who remembered “correctly.”

How have my memories been changed/affected by what others tell me?

When a child reports abuse and is told that it did not take place, how do they reconcile the feedback vs. the facts. When someone tells you that you were “rude” such and such a time and you don’t remember it that way, what do you do with the information? When an abused woman tells her mother-in-law that she is being beaten, will the mother-in-law believe? And how will that change the intensity of the woman’s memory in the moment?

Do you ever doubt your own memories?
Have you ever been challenged on your memories and have you felt like you are losing your mind?
By this I mean, you really, with absolute clarity, recall some event, only to be set upon by others, hell bent on changing your mind.

I don’t mean the give and take that happens between good friends, or people teasing you. I mean the mean-spirited verbiage that can erupt when you least expect it. I believe that people attack our memories when the memory makes them uncomfortable. Of course, I have no empirical proof of this statement…it is simply an intuition that I have having lived for more than 58 years.

Will they try to talk us out of our memory if it was a favorable memory to them?

Do you ever talk people out of a memory they have of you?
What would you hear if you asked a TRUSTED friend about something you both experienced together?
Would you be surprised at what they remembered? Would you be happy or upset?

Would you think that they judged you?

Would you judge them or yourself based on their recollection?

I have found that memories are like water….they slip away quietly but leave evidence of having been there.
I am oftentimes surprised by the amount of time I waste trying to wrestle a memory from its hiding place.
When this happens, it usually means that I am trying to “build a case” to prove something in the present.
I have come to loathe “case building.”
I hate when I do it and I despise when someone does it to me.

So, the next time you remember something, ask yourself these helpful questions:

  1. Will this help me to navigate what’s happening in the present?
  2. Why do I feel the need to unearth this memory now? Will it be a joyful experience?
  3. If it will bring me pain, what can I learn from the pain that I haven’t already learned?

Life is but a series of memories…make sweet ones.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

The power of one word…..

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Recently, in the WSJ, there was an article on how a disaster was not properly named. The word SURGE was used instead of the truthful word TSUNAMI!

Wow. One word could have saved thousands of lives.

Let me remind you that….
Domestic Violence is not “just punishment” or “I only shout at her” or “she needs to know who is boss”.

Domestic Violence is VIOLENCE. Simply and truthfully!
If you named it correctly, what would you do differently?

Are you living in a cage?

beautiful-bird-cage-photography via weheartit“Even a golden cage is still a cage.” – Indrani

Are you living in a cage at all in some way, in your life or business?

No matter how good things might seem on the outside, or to others, only you can know if your heart is in a cage.

What is no longer an active “yes”, that you’re not saying “no” to? That is a cage, too.

What “no” are you needing to say and what is the “yes” that gets to pop up if you are brave enough to do that?

And if you look closely, is the cage you’re in really so golden? When you really open your eyes, and discover the cage is actually just a plain metal one, what does that do to release you to fly free?

As fearful as it may be to be bold and do the uncertain thing, if you tell the truth to yourself, you will hear that you are afraid anyway sitting on your perch doing nothing or little.

Which would you prefer – to be free and afraid, or afraid inside a cage?