Tag Archives: right action

Ms. Know-It-All…..

September 7, 2013featured, homepage, Uncategorizedan empowered no, choices, courage, frustration, gender based violence, gender violence, grace, how to say no, letting go of negative, love yourself, Ms. Know It All, negative people, respect, right action, right you, self love, self respect, standing your ground, turn away from the negative, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

I was at a well known treatment center a few weeks ago and on the last day of my event I decided to eat breakfast on the lawn.

I usually ate in the cafe but on this particular day the weather was glorious and I wanted to savor the fresh air.
I sat at a table that was already occupied by two young women.
I immediately started to engage with them as is my way and we were having a sweet conversation.
Another woman joined us, and the party began.

Within 5 minutes, the new woman had chased away one of the original people and was expounding on how I should fix my life.

THIS woman KNEW that:
1. I was hanging around negative people.
2. I was deliberately choosing to hang around negative people.
3. I was clearly not making the right choices in friends.

Mmmmmm…. I wanted to:
1. Snap at her.
2. Throw my OJ at her.
3. Dig out my inner bitch and have at it.

Instead, I chose to turn my body away from her and engage with the other woman at the table.
Ms. Know-It-All then turned her attention to the woman I was talking to and proceeded to tell her how to fix her life.
This woman was just the most “knowledgeable” person I had met in quite a while.
She then told me to contact her and that she could help with my foundation.
I almost choked.
I smiled at her, and said “Have a good day” and went to class.

I congratulated myself for not losing my cool and for having the courage to be graceful about leaving the table.

Have you ever met people like this?
Some of these people are in our families and it’s not so easy to leave them behind.
There are, however, lots of people we continually choose to be around who are always “in our business.”
They know everything about everything. They are experts at philosophy, history, psychology, social skills etc. You name it, they have the answer!

I don’t know about you, but I am not in the market for any more Know-It-Alls in my life. I have had my fill of them. They were irritating then, and they are irritating now!

The difference in me is now I have the courage to leave and not CARE what they think of me.
I do not care if that woman thinks that she is JUST the thing I need to make my foundation reach one million people.
I will take my time, surround myself with people I admire and respect and LIKE, and I will reach the right amount of people in exactly the right time.
There is a KNOW-IT-ALL lurking around every corner, waiting for us to show the slightest interest in the wealth of knowledge and then…
They latch ON!

It is harder to extricate yourself from their clutches than it is to just leave them alone the first time you meet them.
I hope you meet some of these people soon and you can begin to practice the strength of believing in yourself.
These individuals give us the opportunity to stand firmly in our knowledge and allow them to expound to someone else.
If you meet one of these individuals at a party I recommend faking a bad stomach and getting the hell outta there.

I don’t know about you, but I believe that life is too short to waste precious time on people who just LOVE to hear the sound of their own voice.

Love & light,

Indrani

Two WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT….

August 28, 2013Uncategorizedanger, best, child, children, choices, Compassion, love others, next generation, parental guidance, parenting, parenting classes, protect your children, respect, right, right action, right speech, teach your children, two wrongs don't make a right, wrongIndrani Goradia

This was a saying that I used to hear while growing up in Trinidad, in The West Indies.

It was usually lobbed at me from a very angry parent, (read rageful) and it was usually because someone hit me and I hit them back.

I never understood why I should not defend myself.

Recently I visited my childhood home and as someone was telling a story about a child making a mistake, the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right” popped into my head.

The storyteller was relaying that a teenager had taken a dish into their kitchen and showed that the dish was still dirty.

A family member of the teenager then said, “Get the HELL out of the kitchen and put the damn cup down!”

The teller of the story was chuckling, gleefully, because the teenager had been “put in their place.”

In a flash, I was filled with anger and disgust and said, “Was it really necessary to curse and embarrass the teenager?”

The story teller was not at all pleased with the way their story landed on my psyche.

The storyteller did not see that yelling at children and publicly embarrassing them was not the way to teach.

It constantly amazes me that “mature” people still think screaming at children is the way to their hearts and minds.

Children need love, care, feeding and watering.

Parents, if you are still screaming, embarrassing and denigrating your children, please take as long as you need to look at your destructive behaviors.

You are destroying the next generation.

Please sign up for some parenting classes and I do not mean any of the “spare the rod, spoil the child” kind of classes.

I mean the class that shows you, the parent, that children are gifts from a divine source and that they are given to us to cherish and protect.

Love and light,

Indrani

The FULL COURT PRESS… You CAN stand up to them!

August 17, 2013Uncategorizedabuse, best, choices, courage, domestic violence, family, fear, full court press, happiness, Joy, letting go of negative, love, love others, love yourself, respect, right action, right you, self love, self respect, shine brightly, standing your ground, team, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Do you know what the phrase “full court press” means?

My novice understanding of basketball tells me it’s when the opposing team exports most of its players to guard your players the whole length of the court. Especially the greatest players on your team like the one who scores a lot or the one who is the 3 point expert…the player most like a young Michael Jordan. I think that Michael Jordan was the recipient of many a “full court press”.

When faced with the wrath of the opposing team, one must use all of one’s wiles and wits. One must pull every trick out of the hat…make any move, even if it seems counter intuitive. It’s either make a move (a swift move), find someone to pass the ball to or just go for the shot anyway, before the ref blows the whistle that you’ve held the ball too long.

Ok, big deal, why should you care about the theory of the full court press?

So glad you asked!

Let’s use our eagle eyes to zoom out from the basketball court and soar way above our lives and take some close looks at the predicaments that we have gotten ourselves into.

When you were a kid and another kid hurt you, did you want, even long for, your parents to come to your rescue? If the answer is yes, then you longed for the full court family press to save you because you could not save yourself. You wanted your team to surround you and help you to navigate the challenge at hand.

Did your parents ever go to your school to stand with you against an unfair accusation by a teacher? If so, you were the recipient of the Full Court Press. You see the full court press does not always work the way you want it to. You may not get the teacher to admit that they were wrong BUT you will have seen that your family came to your aid and that may be all that you needed. You were NOT being blamed by your people, only by the opposing team. Your people had your back!

The full court press can work in the exact opposite way.

Take for example, your spouse hits you, so bad that you had to go to the hospital. The doctor BY LAW must report alleged domestic violence. The police begin to question you and you finally break down and all the secrets come tumbling out. The secrets of many years can no longer be held in.

Be aware that the Full Court Family Press is about to be UNLEASHED on you. The press will probably be from the side of the battering spouse, maybe even the battered spouse side may jump in.

You may be pressed and pressured with words like;

He didn’t mean it.

What did you do to upset him?

What kind of mother are you to put your children’s father in jail?

What kind of wife are you to not know how to make your family happy?

What will the rest of the family say?

What will the priest/imam/rabbi/guru/scientologist say?

When you start being barraged by the Full court press, whose only goal is to get you to go back to being abused in silence, you MUST find someone on the outside that you can “send the ball” to.

This will be someone who wants to help you live a life of JOY.

This will be someone who understands your pain.

This will be someone who has your back.

The Full Court Press to repress your rights to a peaceful life may NEVER go away.

They may vow to make your life miserable and spread rumors about you throughout the town/village/Internet.

You cannot control their actions. You can only control your own actions.

So suit up and look around. Identify those on YOUR team and give them a heads up that you may be calling on them.

Gather your team slowly and purposefully. Don’t accept people who make you feel bad even when things are good. These people may not be able to hold your pain and be a part of your full court.

I hope this got you thinking about who is REALLY on your team.

You deserve a wonderful team.

Love and light,

Indrani

Are you a fence post?

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedabuse, an empowered no, choices, courage, domestic violence, end the silence, end violence, fear, love yourself, protect your child, protect yourself, right action, self love, self respect, speak up, speak your truth, standing your ground, start new, Stop domestic violence, take action, truth, truthful speech, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

A few months ago I was at a program at Kripalu and while on a walk one morning I observed some people building a fence.

That in of itself was not a big deal, except for the tool that was used to set the fence post.

It looked like a metal hat that fit over the top of the post and was used the push the post into the ground so it would be as sturdy as possible.

I immediately thought about women who were beaten down by others into being submissive and “put in their place” so the family system could be supported, whether the system was healthy or not.

I imagined that every time a woman or girl was told to be silent about rape or other abuse, that she was like that fence post, rammed on the head to be quiet and stay silent so that the status quo could be maintained.

I imagined that every time a woman decided that it was better to suffer in silence than shed light on the inhumane treatment she was receiving at home, that she was the one who banged herself into submission.

I imagined that she saw herself as the post and the tool. Maybe the thinking is that she better not rock the post or the whole system will come crashing down and everyone will blame her.

These musings are of course my own imaginings and I could be very wrong.

I have no answers about why women accept abuse and why they don’t speak up the very first time it happens.

Perhaps if one of you reading this has been silent in the past, the image of being bashed over the head as if you are a fence post might help you to speak up and take action.

If you don’t speak up now…then perhaps you will in the not so distant future.

My hope is that you eventually protect yourself and protect the children who may be witnessing the abuse.

Love and light,

Indrani

Damaged people damage people…

June 15, 2013Uncategorizedbe present, choices, courage, damaged people, let go of toxic people, letting go of negative, letting go of the negative, love yourself, Marianne Williamson, navigating the ups and downs, negative attitude, negative people, right action, self love, self respect, standing your ground, tag action in the present, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

“Damaged people damage people.” Marianne Williamson
Does this sentence make sense to you?
Have you ever been in a room full of negative people and try as you may, they soon coat you with their negativity?
What is it about human nature that we tend to stick around toxic people in hopes of changing them?

You know if you are that type. I know that I used to be. The worse someone treated me, the longer I stuck around and the more emotional energy I invested in the relationship as if that would get me an A+ from some imagined professor. I would make excuses for them and tell my other friends things like, “Oh, if you ONLY knew the real so and so.” My friends would say, “If only YOU would see the real person, then you could get out.”

It is quite a pity that I had to get so old before I realized that I was wasting my time and energy with certain types of individuals. I wish I could bottle the knowledge gained from experience and give it away freely to younger women.

Unfortunately, that is not possible.
What I can do is compile a list of questions that you can ask yourself to get clarity about whether to stick around those certain individuals…here goes:

Do they make you feel better about yourself? I have a new favorite TV show called Nashville. There is a young couple on the show and he has
begun to mistreat her and accuses her of sidelining him. She tries to explain and she keeps trying to show him how much she loves him, BUT
it is not working. I want to scream at the TV and say LEAVE!

Do you feel like this person has a clear sense of what they want from their life? Is their path clear to them? If the person wants you to switch your life around so that they can be more comfortable, then this may be a sign that there is trouble in paradise.

Which begs the question, was there ever a paradise? Was there ever a time when you felt really supported and comforted? If not, why expect it now?
If yes, and something has changed, then find the courage to open up the conversation about what has changed AND do not accept blame heaped upon you.

Navigating the ups and downs of life is not easy and NEVER will be.
The easy thing to do is to accept the situation, lie and tell yourself that there is nothing you can do and THEN DO NOTHING!
Yes, doing nothing about people who make you feel like the scum of the earth is easy in the SHORT run!
In the LONG run, it is the best way to lose yourself to lies and pain.
The LONG run is what needs to be addressed, by being courageous enough to take action in the PRESENT, the shorter run.

This really is the only way!

Love and light,
Indrani

Flying or pelted?

June 8, 2013Uncategorizedchoices, crazy stunts, downward spiral, fly by choice, personal choice, right action, self love, self respect, stunts, unseen forces, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

What’s the difference between a stunt plane driver in gleeful free-falls and that same pilot in that same plane being thrown around by a tornado?

Give up?

The difference is Personal Choice!

The next time you feel like you’re in a downward spiral, ask yourself this question:

Am I an incredible Stunt Pilot and these crazy stunts are MY Choice?
Or
Am I being PELTED about by the unseen forces of ______________? (fill in the blank)

Some of the words to fill that blank space might be:
Parents
Culture
Abusers
Co-workers
Bosses
Religion

After you have filled in the blank, look around and realize that the tornados are not REAL tornados.

How can you find the perfect stunt plane and fly by choice?
Love and light,

Indrani

Hello friend, I honor your internal war….

May 4, 2013Uncategorizedchoices, Compassion, humanity, imagine, internal war, judging others, love, love others, love yourself, respect, right action, see the best in othersIndrani Goradia

Emerson,
“Whenever you meet anyone, remember they are going through a great war”.

If we could only keep this statement in mind when we rush to judge people.

We interact, draw conclusions and we act as if those conclusions were actual fact.
We create arguments around the made up facts.
We play judge and jury based on these fictional arguments.
We, unfortunately, even forget that we have our own internal war.
What could happen if we stepped out of concluding about others behaviors and stepped into the humanity that surrounds us all?
What could happen if we thought the best of people instead of the worst?
What could happen if….
The “what could happen” list is endless.

Here is the best what could happen question….

What could happen if you decided to be the best YOU and leave everything else on the table?

What a sweet world that would be.
Do we dare IMAGINE?

John Lennon had it right alright, “IMAGINE”!
Please, let’s imagine.

Love and light,
Indrani

What would you do?

April 27, 2013featured, homepageabuse, an empowered no, choices, courage, domestic violence, fear, how to say no, love yourself, respect, right action, seek help, self love, self respect, standing your ground, start new, use your voice, violence, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Answer me, oh my love, just what sin have I been guilty of?
Won’t you tell me where I’ve lost your love?
Please answer me sweetheart….so goes the first verse of an old song by Nat King Cole.
I grew up with this song….I can hear my father crooning the words along with the radio and I remember thinking that my Dad was such a great singer.

These words popped into my head, quite suddenly, as I was pondering how to start writing about a violent interaction I recently witnessed at Union Station in NYC.

I was walking along, happy that my legs were carrying me and that my eyes were still amazed at the sights around me.

Then my ears heard loud shouting and screaming. The voice belonged to a man and I began to look around to see if I could possibly be in the line of fire.

Then I saw her, SHE was in the line of fire, not me. She was pushed up against a fence, his face was pushed up fiercely against her face, and she was cowering and trying to squirm away.

THEN he drew his head back as if he were cocking a gun and he let the SPIT fly from his mouth right into her face.

She was stunned!
She tried to wipe it off, but his face was once again smashed up against hers and she could barely get her fingers between the faces to wipe off the spit bullets.

I am barely 5 foot 1 inch tall….man, did I wish I were a six footer and young so that I would have felt strong enough to pull him off of her.
I thought, “This is definitely NOT What Would You Do, and there is no John Quinones to come out and allay my fears for this girl.”
I felt helpless.

After a few more well chosen words, he huffed and puffed away.

She finished wiping her face and pushed the baby stroller in front of her. The innocent was still asleep.
I hurried along side of her and begged her to let me help.

I offered to walk with her, to take her somewhere, asked what could do to help.

She kept shaking her head from side to side, saying a shame-filled, non-verbal NO as her tears began to flow.

I cannot stop thinking about her.

Where is she? Did he kill her? Is the baby safe? Did she finally decide to leave him?

SHE is not the only one in such horrendous situations. SHE is EVERYWHERE!
Are you one of those women?
Are you being tormented by someone who used to love you?
Is he telling you that he still loves you and that this is entirely your fault?
Do you believe those lies?

Have you lost your will to fight anymore?
Do you feel worthless?
Do you sit and wonder what you can do to win back his love?

I encourage you to put your last pieces of energy into learning to love yourself.

Even if you feel that you are not worthy of love, try to find a friendly ear to talk to so that you can get some of those dark feelings out.

No one should have to live with violence, whether it is sexual, verbal or physical!

Some people have told me that my definition of abuse is too broad, I disagree.
I believe an abusive action is ANYTHING that makes you feel unsafe and fearful.
If people cannot control their anger and blame you for THEIR explosion, that is pure BS!
We are all PERSONALLY responsible for self regulation!
They are responsible for their inappropriate behaviors and you are responsible for your safety and happiness.

If you cannot even think what to do next, please call a shelter close to you. There are many support groups ready to help you find some answers.
Please do not seek help from your friends who accept abuse themselves.
Do not let anyone tell you “it’s not so bad.”

Seek help from qualified people.
Often it is better to go outside the family to get objective advice.
Telling the abuser’s mother that you are scared of her son will do you little good, she is HIS mother. You need to find objective support.

Be safe.

Love and light,
Indrani

De-friending fear…

April 17, 2013featured, homepagebe you, choices, emotions, Facebook, fear, frenemies, friends, frustration, guilt, hurt feelings, insecurity, junior high feelings, letting go of negative, respect, right action, right you, self love, Shame, vulnerabilityIndrani Goradia

Oh how Facebook has reduced us to junior high feelings all over again.

Those feelings weren’t that great the first time around. Now they are possibly worse because, on top of the same old teenage insecurities floating to the surface we have that feeling that OMG, really, I am a grown adult and am so emotionally involved in who is my friend or not on Facebook.

REALLY? Grow up!

The inner monologue goes something like this:
Will you be my friend?
Did you like my post?
Why did not you like my photo?
Why didn’t you comment on my post on your wall?
How come you didn’t Facebook me?

The inner voice is louder now: “What’s wrong with me that you do not want to be my friend or like the shit I post?”

Any of these statements ring true to you?

I shake my head in wonder of myself.
I recently had to de-friend someone who I thought was my friend but who did not act like my friend.

My finger hovered over the button to click as I planned on de-friending that person.
Oh the shame to de-friend….
The shame that I did not want to be their friend.
The shame that I was being mean or I was acting like a bitch.
The shame I would hurt their feelings.
The shame that as much as they wanted to be my friend…..I did not want them to be mine.
But the shame is that other person did not respect me, my rules, terms, conditions or non-conditions (as the case may be) of being MY friend.

Why should we feel shame de-friending someone who is not being a friend.

I click “de-friend”. I did it.

Oh the guilt. I have been de-friended and I know what it feels like to be de-friended. It’s like HEY I thought we were friends what the HELL is wrong with you to de-friend me? What did I do wrong?
Oh the guilt, will they call, text or email me asking me why? What will I say?
The guilt if I made someone feel less of a person because I did not want to be their friend.

It is amazing how this thing called Facebook can evoke these and so many emotions.
There is my Facebook friending insecurities rant.

Now I have one less friend….so friend me, I have a spot to fill!

Is your EXCUSE bigger than your JOY?

April 6, 2013featured, homepagechoices, excuses, find the positive aspects of life, Gratitude, gratitude practice, happiness, how to say no, Joy, letting go of negative, positive mindset, right actionIndrani Goradia

I was chatting with a dear friend a while back and I heard myself say that sometimes people’s excuses are bigger than their Joy.

Wow, I thought, that’s good…

What do I mean by that simple sentence?
I mean that some people like to wallow on the “poor me” side of the street. The pity party gets to be an all-nighter, then an all-dayer and maybe even an all- weeker.

When this happens JOY has no place to live and thrive.

JOY is pushed out for days and weeks and months and maybe even years.
There is always a reason why, the negative aspects should be the main focus. There is always a reason why YOUR problems are SO different, SO unique and SO difficult that finding a way out is impossible. It is much easier to keep making excuses.

You see, when you can come up with loads of excuses, you at least FEEL like you are doing something. You ARE expending brain power and psychic energy. Unfortunately it is only to create more excuses and better excuses. You are exhausted from creating the excuses.

You are too exhausted to find the positive aspects of your life.
Yes, your excuses are bigger than your JOY.

Guess what?
This is easy to fix.
Are you tired of being sad and unhappy and creating more excuses?
I invite you to step back from the precipice of, “My life is so awful” and step into “What positive things DO I still have in life?”
Those positives can be as simple as:
-Two legs that work.
-Two eyes that work.
-Someone who loves you, like a child or a parent.
-A beloved pet.
-Your ability to read good books.

Yes. It. Can. Be. That. Simple!
It is really ONLY up to you. Only you can decide if your JOY will be the antidotes for negativity.
Won’t you try it?
What do you have to lose?
Love and light,
Indrani

Indrani’s Light Foundation

Supporting Advocates to Support Others

Tag Archives: right action

Ms. Know-It-All…..

Two WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT….

The FULL COURT PRESS… You CAN stand up to them!

Are you a fence post?

Damaged people damage people…

Flying or pelted?

Hello friend, I honor your internal war….

What would you do?

De-friending fear…

Is your EXCUSE bigger than your JOY?

Give to Indrani’s Light Foundation