Tag Archives: Stop domestic violence

What do I do after the beating?

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via Pixabay“What do I do after the beating?” She asked.

She was only 16 or 17 years old.  I had just given a short presentation to a group of students and I asked for questions.

She was brave.

She asked what she could do after she had been beaten, and still had to stay in the house.

My heart hurt for her.  I knew her pain at a cellular level.  I knew her well. I WAS her.  I remember being beaten so badly and having welts all over my body, and having to dry my tears.  I was told to “go wash your face and when you come out I better not see any crying, you asked for that beating.”

Of course, dear reader, I did not ask for any beating. I had made some childish mistake and I was whipped like I had murdered someone.  I remember going to the bathroom, and I was not allowed to shut the door, the abuser needed to “see” that I was not going to have any more “crocodile tears.”  I had to suck up all my pain and come out smiling like a good girl.  This behavior lasted well into my 50’s.

Don’t let them see you cry those crocodile tears. “They don’t care “…was the voice in my head.

To this day, I still have a hard time owning my pure emotion and I have to fight really hard to not push them down, allow them to morph into anger or rage, or blame.  It will probably be a life long lesson.  Some days I win and some days I lose.

I told the young lady to try to find a place of solitude in her home and tell herself that one day, she will be out of the house and the abuse will stop.

She could not tell her parents, her parents would be angrier that she “embarrassed the family,” and she would be beaten even more.  I told her to use school as a respite.  I wish I had someone to tell these things to me.  I did not.  I had no one to tell me that the abuser was wrong, even though they were caregivers, and said they were beating me because they loved me.

They were wrong.  They were telling lies.

We do not hurt what we claim to love.

I deserved love and attention and guidance, not rage and anger and beatings.  I have a clear memory of being about 12 years old and kneeling at the side of my bed, praying.  My abuser came into the room and asked what I was praying for, and I said for strength.  The abuser was pleased.

Yes, I was praying for strength, but strength to live in my hellhole called my childhood.

If I could not get the strength, I prayed that God would take me that night because I could not go on.  I was praying to die, at 12 years old.  I was not taken, so I guess I got the strength …… and that strength has been parlayed into the work I do now.  We are resilient beings. We can stand a lot of pain.  If you are in a hellacious situation, and you are an adult, reach out to your local shelter for confidential help. Even if you don’t leave, there are services you can access. They can help you with a plan.

There are people who care that you are in pain.

If you know a child living in a hellacious home, try to be a point of comfort to that child.  They need to know you will keep their confidences and that you are a safe place to lay some burdens.

Be that safe place for someone.  Someone needs you.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Self Responsibility…….

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sunset-401541_1280Self Responsibility… The “Philosophical Principle (that) entails ones acceptance of a profoundly moral idea. In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs.”

The above quote is from the book Six Pillars of Self – Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.

Can you take some time to read the above sentence out loud, maybe more than once.

When I first came across this sentence in the book, I was stopped in my tracks.

If the above is true, and it is, then all of us who have been abused in one form or another would KNOW without the shadow of a doubt that we were wronged.

We would not have to ask others for their opinion of whether we were enough wronged as to take swift action and demand justice.

The married woman who is forced to be a servant to her husband and in-laws would know that she is not there for their implicit or explicit exploitation. She would know that she had the right to say an empowered NO.

If she could accept that she will not be made into an unpaid servant, how might she approach marriage differently? Might she ask the intended in-laws how they expect to treat her? Might she tell her future husband that she will not be forced into a life of servitude and sexual slavery?

I really have no answers to these broad issues but I do know that we must empower women BEFORE marriage to ask harder questions than “do you have a job and where will we live?”

The college woman who is gang raped would know that she needs to report the crime as often as she needs to until something is done. She would have to find the courage to stand against the friend circle who will most likely accuse her of being disloyal and being short sighted about her reputation.

Where did I get these examples of what the friend circle might say? It comes directly from the report of the gang rape at a frat house on the UVA campus.

The 18 year old woman was made to question her loyalties. She was made to stay silent about the horror that was done to her body and her mind by silently suffering.

If we could get women, especially High School and college women, to respect themselves as much as they respect what their friends say, we might be able to bring more rapists to face the music.

Please do not think that I am putting the burden of this whole thing on the shoulders of the survivor of the rape, I am not. I am, however, sure that taking responsibility for extracting justice for a crime that was done is one of the most powerful ways to begin the long and arduous process of healing.

We cannot expect society to change without each individual taking a stand for what is no longer acceptable.

This is how we got rid of slavery.

This is how women got the vote.

This is how dictators fall.

It is only speaking up, as often as we can, and as loudly as we can, that will bring change. It will still be slow, but we can never. ever give up.

Ever.

Love and light,

Indrani

Violence IS NOT Par for the course….

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golf-83869_1280Let me explain to the best of my ability what the phrase “par for the course” means.

A golf course is comprised of 18 different “holes” and each hole has a number.

Golfers will always know which hole they hate the most. That would mean it’s the most difficult.

Levels of difficulty can vary from length from where the golfer begins each hole, called the TEE, to where the golfer needs to sink the putt, the green.

Often a golfer cannot even see the green from the tee. The configuration of the hole can include a huge hill, over which the golfer cannot see the green.  The layout can even include an angle and will completely obscure a certain portion of that green.

Each hole must be played according to the integrity of the hole and each golfer approaches their game in his or her own unique way.

The biggest thing I learned while watching the Masters was that the length of a hole was represented by the number that came after the word PAR.

So a Par 3 hole would be shorter in length, but still have as many challenges as a Par 5.

The number ideally means that a golfer can get from start to finish in the prescribed number of holes.

I say ideally because even on a Par 3 a golfer can have a heck of a time sinking his ball in 3 strokes.

The biggest eye opener for me was that a stroke of, let’s say 350 yards, was AS important and significant as the short stroke, called a putt, of 2 or 3 feet.

Anything can happen, and as I saw at the Masters a “sure thing” was often not so sure.

How does this game of golf and the distance of the strokes apply to women who are trying to escape from abuse or women who are simple trying to set a boundary?

The significance is this….

It DOES NOT matter if you take a small, seemingly insignificant action with an abuser like staying out of his way when he is gearing up to strike, or whether you take a huge step of calling the police and getting you and your family out of danger permanently. The most important thing to do is to take ONE step towards the life you want for yourself.

The golfer must have faith in their ability to take the breath and swing his arm with the club attached and then begin to walk to wherever the ball landed and do the same action all over again. Over and over and over. And always with a calm and peaceful demeanor.

What is par for the course of a life without violence?

This is a question that is unanswerable.

We do not know HOW MANY challenges life will throw our way. We do not know how many times we will have the take the same action, the same step with the same person until we can get it thru to them. That we will NOT under ANY circumstances accept any more acts of violence.

We are not in control of whether we contract a serious illness or if a loved one will meet with an accident. As I’m writing this, a dear friends nephew was just shot.

We ARE, however, in control of whether we will accept abuse.

If we all had a ZERO tolerance for accepting abuse, the first time a person did an abusive act would be the last, because we would say “Oh no, not with me, not ever.”

Take a breath.

Take your best stroke/step.

Repeat until you have the culture of peace you require for yourself.

Love and light,

Indrani

Not even with a flower. Hope for the future of Gender Based Violence.

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What do a future fireman, police man, baker, soccer player, and pizza maker have in common?

They all have the same response when asked to slap a young girl.

Watch the video below to see their reaction:

Link: http://youtu.be/b2OcKQ_mbiQ

If this is a typical response by the young boys of today, then what changes between 7 years old and adulthood that results in women experiencing the violence that we know they do on a daily basis?

More importantly: What can we do to help young boys like this grow up into men that truly believe “girls shouldn’t be hit, not even with a flower”?

We all need to start sharing answers about this question.

Please share your thoughts in the comments below: what do we need to do differently to help young boys grow up into men who don’t hit women?

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Stopping sexism towards men – A solution for gender based violence?

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Sexism is a term normally associated with women. It affects women in the workplace, on the street, in the media; it affects women in so many different ways, that we often forget an important piece of the sexism puzzle:

Sexism affects everyone: bisexuals, transgender, lesbians, gay men, and yes, even straight men.

Watch Laci Green as she unpacks and explores the idea of sexism against men and the effect it is having on everyone.

Watch and imagine what effect it would have on gender based violence if men no longer felt that they NEEDED to hide emotions, be powerful, and do manly things like fight, fix things, and have lots of sex to prove how masculine they are.

Could part of the solution be as easy as realizing that: there is no man or woman or gay or lesbian or transgender. There are humans.

Have you ever been sexist towards a man? If you are one of our male readers, have you ever experienced sexism?

We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

 

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

Can neuroscience help us with Domestic Violence?

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neuroscienceAs events unfolded weeks ago with the Ray Rice video and then his being fired and indefinitely suspended from the NFL and THEN the social media message that his abused wife wrote, I wondered if neuroscience might be able to save us from this scourge of women seemingly unable to protect themselves from their abusers.

The video (here) clearly shows Janay Rice being knocked unconscious and Ray Rice dropping her body like a sack of rice outside the elevators. He does not bend down to check if she is dead, he does not cradle her in his arms to show remorse.

He does nothing to show us that this was a big mistake and he is so sorry.

Then Janay Rice sends out a social media blurb blaming the rest of the world.

WE are the ones to blame.
WE made her blameless husband lose his millions in salary and endorsements.
WE are at fault.

We may be asking ourselves where the disconnect is, but the sad truth is that is no disconnect.

Abused women VERY often protect the abuser and return to the den of abuse.

They have all kinds of reasons:

  • They still love him.
  • They have no where to go.
  • The children “need” a father.
  • No one will ever love them.
  • He didn’t really mean it.

It goes on and on.

I have heard law enforcement officers say they are sick and tired of being called to an altercation only to see the woman recant her charges and bail out the man she just had thrown in jail the night before.

This is why I am wondering if brain mapping and neuroscience can help us to find the answers.

Perhaps neuroscientists can hook up some abused women and see which areas of the brain lights up and try to explain to these women the flaw in their thinking.

I know, I am grasping at straws.

I am grasping at straws because here we HAVE the incident ON FILM and still Janay Rice is making excuses for the behavior of her then fiancé.

She actually married him AFTER this incident. She KNEW he was an abuser and still she chose to be his wife.

She could have gone public with therapy and they could have created a scenario where remorse and forgiveness played a big role.

They could have become ROLE models to the millions of couples who are in this situation.

She is not unique. She has made decisions that millions of abused women before her have made. She choose to try to erase the incident and to move on with life.

I do believe that she is doing the best she can. I do believe she loves him and KNOWS that he has goodness and decency. He is not a monster. He has chosen some monstrous behaviors.
She needs to understand how to do better and that’s where I am hoping that neuro scans can help.

Yep, me with the neuro scans again….because I just really need to believe that we can find a way to help women make healthier choices.

When pigs fly right?

I am hoping that we do not have to wait that long.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

One woman’s story of survival…..

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gabbe.minThis is a must read.

Thankfully, she left before he killed her. 

Thankfully, she isn’t letting Shame control her present and future.

 

Please share this article…it could truly save someone’s life.

 

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/12/why-didnt-you-just-leave-shame_n_5805848.html?utm_hp_ref=email_share

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Think Global…Act Local

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Steven-Matt_455613_1When I think of this phrase I think it means to be an informed consumer.

  • Am I buying products made by children in the slavery mills around the Globe?
  • Am I consciously aware that what I do here in my country is negatively affecting the Amazon Rain Forest?
  • Are the diamonds that I admire Blood Diamonds?

Right?

Big thoughts.

I think I can make my buying power MAKE a difference.

I CAN make my money talk!

What IF….

The phrase “THINK Global…Act Local” could be applied to Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence and Child Abuse?

What would that look like?

It might look like this…

You are watching TV on a normal day or night and you see a story of a VERY FAMOUS NFL player like Adrian Peterson being charged with Child Endangerment for beating his 4 year old son with a switch. You may or may not be appalled… Let’s say you ARE appalled.

What can YOU do?

Well you can begin to look at your own behaviors towards your kids or other people’s kids.

You can open a conversation with your kids … if you dare… and ask them what it’s like living in your home.

  • Do they feel emotionally safe?
  • Are they worried about people flying off the handle?
  • Are they afraid of anyone in particular?

YOU must be brave and courageous and really listen.

LISTEN with your ears and your HEART. (Especially your heart.)

You MUST promise them immunity from YOU flying off the handle if you hear something that hurts your feelings.

If I would have had parents who had asked this question to me and if I trusted them, I would have said something like this:

“Well you are always beating us and yelling at us. If we cry then you beat us more to “really give us something to cry about.” You tell me that I never do anything right. I am always scared of you.”

IF I had parents who were brave enough to go there, I may have had a slim chance of a happier childhood.

YOU have the POWER to give your children a bigger chance of happiness.

If you ACT LOCAL, while observing the pitiful GLOBAL state of violence against women and girls you will be making a difference.

Don’t know where to start? Start with YOURSELF, your own boundaries and awareness of shame and building your shame resilience.

START TODAY.

START NOW.

Here is something to get you started…www.liveabrighterlife.eventbrite.com

If I can do it, you can do it.

Now, let’s say you were NOT appalled at someone beating their child in that way, you can still do something.

You can begin to wonder about your own abuse and ask yourself if your parents could have been more compassionate.

If you say they did the best they could with what they had, you would be right. However, YOU can do better with all the new information that you have about child rearing. You can seek out informed guidance on how to be a better parent.

Why? Because you owe it to those kids you brought into the world.

So however you slice this Domestic Violence pie, you can Think Global and still Act Local.

 

Love and light,
 
Indrani

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How long should one girl have to carry the weight of rape?

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enhanced-4298-1409708626-1This college student has vowed to carry a mattress to class every day until her alleged rapist leaves campus.

Emma Sulkowicz states, “The idea of me carrying a mattress sort of stuck in my head. I guess I decided to unpack why I was so fascinated with that idea. I was raped in my own dorm bed, so I think the idea of carrying the mattress represented, in my mind, carrying the weight of the memories that I have of that night and carrying the weight of how the school dismissed not only me but the other two women who reported against him, and the way the police harassed me when I reported my case.”
 
If we were on campus, we would help her carry the weight of that mattress. 

Read Emma’s full story here.

 

Love & light,

Team ILF