Tag Archives: Stop domestic violence

A night at the movies…

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Woman watching movie with popcorn via travelssentials.comAnswer me oh my love, just what sin have I been guilty of?

Won’t you tell me where I’ve lost your love?

Please answer me sweetheart.

 

This was one of my father’s favorite songs by Nat King Cole. I know all the words.

The other day the song popped into my head and I had a whole new appreciation of the first two lines. If you can hear these words coming out of the mouth of an abused woman you will understand where I am going with this post.

Imagine you are looking at a movie, there is a couple that is wildly in love and after an amazing courtship they have a great marriage. A few years into the marriage, she is being picked apart…at first, just little stuff like the way she combs her hair or the way she laughs out loud. The things that were engaging and cute now become irritating.

She begins to see herself as “not good enough” for him anymore.

Isolation begins to set in. She feels isolated from him, from her friends and family and from herself.

She begins to feel inferior to him and others.

She may begin to self diagnose as “crazy” or “hysterical” and she accepts the pathologies and looks for confirmation that she is sick.

She gets diagnosed by a mental health professional as “depressed” and begins medication. Things at home never change for the better. In fact, things get worse because even though she may be feeling better inside the outside nit picking does not let up.

By now, the situation at home may have escalated to physical abuse and sexual abuse.

Now she feels really bad and even more depressed!

She begins to hate herself and the only way she can dispel the self hatred and pain is to turn on other women and judge and gossip. She begins to look for people worse off than her and she feels relief from the judgment.

As an observer of the movie, it is sad to see her life get so messed up so quickly. As an observer you want to shout to her tell her to get out!

It’s easy to see when others are being sidelined and abused. It is not so easy to see it in ourselves.

If any piece of this scenario applies to you, take a moment to look at the whole movie about how it got to this point and follow your own advice… Get OUT!

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Are you a fence post?

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santa-rosa-fence-post via themartinfencepost.blogspotA few months ago I was at a program at Kripalu and while on a walk one morning I observed some people building a fence.

That in of itself was not a big deal, except for the tool that was used to set the fence post.

It looked like a metal hat that fit over the top of the post and was used the push the post into the ground so it would be as sturdy as possible.

I immediately thought about women who were beaten down by others into being submissive and “put in their place” so the family system could be supported, whether the system was healthy or not.

I imagined that every time a woman or girl was told to be silent about rape or other abuse, that she was like that fence post, rammed on the head to be quiet and stay silent so that the status quo could be maintained.

I imagined that every time a woman decided that it was better to suffer in silence than shed light on the inhumane treatment she was receiving at home, that she was the one who banged herself into submission.

I imagined that she saw herself as the post and the tool. Maybe the thinking is that she better not rock the post or the whole system will come crashing down and everyone will blame her.

These musings are of course my own imaginings and I could be very wrong.

 

I have no answers about why women accept abuse and why they don’t speak up the very first time it happens.

Perhaps if one of you reading this has been silent in the past, the image of being bashed over the head as if you are a fence post might help you to speak up and take action.

If you don’t speak up now…then perhaps you will in the not so distant future.

My hope is that you eventually protect yourself and protect the children who may be witnessing the abuse.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

A passionate response to violence against women….

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Patrick Stewart says, “Men can do the most to help women.”
He uses his voice against domestic violence in support of his mother who was a victim.
He said that police officers used to say, “Mrs. Stewart, you must have done something to provoke him….it takes 2 to have an argument. “
He said, “My mother did nothing and even if she did violence is NEVER an option.”
Click on the image below to hear what else Patrick Stewart has to say about domestic violence.
If you are being told by police and hospital workers that you may have done something to provoke an abuser, please quiet them and tell them to watch this.
Love and light,
Indrani
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Your wounds birth your strengths…

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When animals get hurt, their wounds heal a little thicker and stronger.

Maybe that’s where the saying “thick-skinned” comes from.
This thickened flesh is called Proud Flesh.

Recently, I visited a shelter for women who had been burned by fire, and survived.

Their scars were visible and clear and it transformed them into people they did not recognize.
These transformations not only took place on the outside, with proud flesh, but also on the inside.
Some of them realized how precious their lives were.
They realized how much their children needed them, in ways they had not before the incident.
They found ways to fight through physical and emotional pain and to come out ahead.
One woman lifted up her arm to me and I thought she wanted to give me a high five. The therapist then told me she was showing me that she had regained control of her muscles and that meant she was a winner. I ran over and hugged her so tight, I may have squished her.
We were both giggling.

One of the stories stuck with me. One woman’s husband suspected her of infidelities that were all untrue. He wrapped his hands with a cloth soaked in gasoline, set them on fire and then he rushed and embraced his wife so they would both die. She managed to get away and her daughters are proud of her. She has healed and she is teaching her girls to be strong and fight back.

While at the shelter, the girls sang and danced for me and the mom, stood proudly on the side beaming with both her thickened skin and her thin skin that was not scorched. Her girls hugged her around her waist and one said to me “This is my mother.” The pride in them was palpable and the joy in her eyes could’ve lit up a whole city.

This woman has found a way to transcend her tragedy and focus instead on the love that still exists in her life.

When I think of my own life, I wonder at how I have overcome my hardships and am thrilled at the lessons I have gleaned from them.
One of my biggest gifts is Presence. The presence of mind to see, hear, taste and feel what is happening in the moment.

Recently, I had such an awakening. While steeped in the “tea” of the argument, I saw all the stuff around me. I noticed who was doing what, how they were responding, how I was responding and how I was processing the storm that was raging around me. I heard a soft voice say, “Save yourself” and I immediately stood up and left the toxic situation.

How could I hear that soft voice?

I could hear because I was listening. I was tuned into everything around me and NOT to defending myself.

There was no defense needed.

I was being accused.
I was put on trial.
I was convicted.

However, I remembered that I WAS NOT in a court of law. I was in my life. MY LIFE!
I choose to leave. I was already convicted, so what was the use of sticking around?

I offer the tool of Presence to you.

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Try to stay in your own business.

How do you know if you are OUT of your business? The moment you ask, “Why is he/she acting/doing/behaving like…..”

These questions are a sure sign that you are trying to be in someone else’s head.
Devote your energy to questions like…

Why am I doing this?

Why do I want this? Or not want this.

What pattern can I see here that distresses me?

Do I really want to change that pattern?

Am I ready to suffer the emotional pain that I will feel when I attempt to change the entrenched patterns that are causing emotional turmoil?

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Try to stay out of defense.

You know that you are defending yourself when your words just want to erupt. It feels like you cannot hold them back. Your mouth is controlling you, instead of you controlling your own mouth. You feel
that if you speak THIS ONE thing to THIS PERSON, then you will be vindicated.

Know this!

Both of you or a whole LOT of you are no longer in HEARING mode. Only mouths are working, and it is verbal diarrhea. You are puking and pooping all over each other AND you must leave the situation. If you
feel that you will be physically attacked if you try to leave, then you must call the authorities.

You are unsafe. You must get out.

Try to realize that NO AMOUNT of explaining can stop your accuser from
lambasting you.

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Try to, as the soft voice said “Save yourself!”

How do you save yourself?
First, go to safety, a different room or house or city or country.
Only you can decide how far you must go to get away from the madness.

Then call a few trusted friends with whom you can weep and grieve.
Expect the pain to be severe and swift and expect to feel like you will die or at least drown.

It will also feel like you cannot breathe.
Yes, even breathing will take effort.
Your friends will remind you to breathe.

They will remind you about how wonderful you are.
You need SUPPORTIVE people.

Do not call people who will judge you or reprimand you.
Remember to treat yourself like a trusted friend.

Remember too, you must change to affect change.
Einstein said the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
You must DO something different to GET something different.

Allow yourself time for healing.
Stay connected to you; stay present by not building cases against the other person and stop going over old scenarios of past hurts.

That is a waste of good energy.
Go for a walk.
Meditate.
Pray.

Give these techniques a try and let me know how they work for you.
Love and light,
Indrani