Tag Archives: teach your children

Female Avatars – Helping teach about gender equality? – A follow up post

November 7, 2015Uncategorizedbe a role model, child, children, choices, courage, gender based violence, gender equality, gender violence, respect, right action, teach your children, use your voiceJeremie Miller

(You can read the first part of this post here: http://indranislight.org/female-avatars-helping-teach-about-gender-equality/)

Almost a year has passed since I wrote the original “Female Avatar” post, and I have been waiting, and waiting, to write a victorious follow up. A post where I could tell you that using a female character in that video game, and the conversations that followed, made a difference in how my son views gender.

The problem being, there were no earth shattering changes for me to report from that original conversation.

Sure, there were little signs of change. My son would get excited and cheer on the female contestants in America Ninja Warrior competitions, but he would also comment that “the girls never make it as far as the boys” (which is true, but still made me wonder if his view was changing).

We read, Wings of Fire, a series of books with some female main characters. However, these characters were also dragons, and my son LOVES everything dragon. So, I wasn’t sure if he was accepting the female characters completely, or if he was accepting them because of their dragon status.

My son has also become more accepting of the colour purple, which may seem unimportant, but for years purple has fallen into the category of “princess colour” and “boys don’t like princesses”. Unfortunately, pink, is still a colour that forms a grimace on his now 8-year-old face, and a disgusted comment of “pink is for girls.”

Now, to give the poor little guy a break, he is only 8 years old, so I am not expecting him to approach me and ask to have an in-depth discussion about gender norms and how he can work towards behaving in a manner that supports equality (to be honest, if that DID happen I would be a bit wigged out). But, I have been hoping that something “8-year-old big” would happen, showing that he was starting to see that boys and girls are equals.

That 8-year-old-big event happened last week.

We were in Kids Books, an amazing bookstore in Vancouver BC, shopping with Fionn’s cousins for some books for his birthday the following day. I was looking through some 7 to 10-year-old book series when I felt a poke. Looking down I saw Fionn, three books precariously clutched in his arms, looking up at me.

“Daddy, how about these books, they sound awesome”

“You’ve read the backs?” I asked, taking the books from his hands.

“Yes, they sound really cool.”

“For you to read, or for me to read to you?”

“I think I can read them, but I want you to read them to me.”

I looked down at the first book and the 8-year-old-big moment happened when I saw the cover:

Let’s break this down from the view of a Dad, trying to teach his son about gender equality, and see that boys are not better than girls:

The picture on the front of the book is clearly a girl, and he still chose to pick up the book and read more.
The subtitle of the book has the word “witch” (a “girl” word) in it.

Most importantly, and amazing for me:

The subtitle has the word “princess” in it. A word that my son, and all of his friends usually have an allergic reaction to, with much frowning and spitting, followed by “princesses are dumb.”

All right, as earth shattering as this book selection already was for me, it might not be convincing for you. Totally understandable.

I smiled down at Fionn as I turned the book over to read the back, which read:
“Silk tells stories. It sings of secrets long forgotten. It sings of fire. Maia dreams of being a Story Teller, or a Weaver, like her father, Tareth. But when the Watcher names her Sun Catcher, she must face a destiny that Tareth has kept hidden from her. For Maia is more powerful than she knows, and she is about to discover that though the sun’s fire may be dangerous…so is she.”

The back of the book makes it clear that the protagonist is female, and, from the sounds of it, a female that will be kicking some serious butt. Looking at the backs of the other two books, each book is clearly about girls leading the way and being the focus of the story. Not just a side character in the book, but a female protagonist.

For me, after just a year ago when my son refused to even think about reading Tamora Pierce’s “Song of the Lioness Quartet” because the main character was a girl, this is a big sign that our conversation around gender equality has shifted.

Whether it was switching my video game avatar to a female character, or the follow up conversations we have had, or the changes I have made in my own behaviors that has brought about this shift I cannot say.

To be honest I don’t care what has made the difference, but I cannot explain how much pride I felt in this simple moment in the bookstore when my son chose Sheila Rance’s trilogy of books to be our next “Dad and Son” reading project.

I looked up from the backs of the books and smiled, “you bet buddy. Let’s get them all, they sound awesome.”

Fionn smiled, turned, and ran off down one of the aisles to look for more books.

Female Avatars – Helping teach about gender equality?

December 17, 2014featured, homepagebe a role model, be present, best, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, gender based violence, gender equality, gender violence, make a shift, respect, right action, teach your children, use your voiceJeremie Miller

“Why are you playing as a girl?”

“I’m not, it is just a boy with long hair.”

“Oh, ok. Can I watch?”

This conversation between me and my son seems innocent enough, and, a few months ago, before starting to work with Indrani’s Light Foundation, it probably would have remained in my brain filed away as “not a big deal.”

But, through my work with the Live a Brighter Life training, corresponding with the ILF Team, and the research I have done for articles and blog posts, this was no longer a casual comment by my son. It worried me.

Why at the age of seven was he cautious when he thought my character’s avatar was a girl, but excited to watch me play when he discovered I was playing the game as a boy?

My mind quickly returned to another conversation we had also had about Tamora Pierce’s “Song of the Lioness Quartet”, a series of books we were thinking of reading, until my son found out the protagonist was a girl.

This was now the start of a pattern and it worried me even more.

So, I did the only thing I could think of to, hopefully, change my son’s view and start some conversation:

I deleted my character and made a new one, this time a female character.

It didn’t take long for my son to notice. The next time he came to the basement while I was playing the game we had another conversation.

“Where’s your other character?”

“I got rid of him and made this one.”

“Is that a GIRL?”

“Yes it is a girl”

“Why are you playing as a girl?”

“Because I think she is way cooler than my first character. She is a warrior and uses this big sword and charges into the bad guys to fight”

Long pause.

“Can I watch?”

Will my playing a female, instead of male, character make a huge difference in how my son perceives gender roles and stereotypes? I have no idea. But I figure it can’t hurt and we are at least talking about it now and can continue to talk about it when he watches me play.

Equally important, this video game and conversation has me realizing areas in my life where I am modeling behavior that is supporting gender stereotypes and inequality and I need to change that.

Asasha Veil, my female character, is at least one step in the right direction.

Does making a small change like this help? What seemingly small changes could you make to help model gender equality? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Love & light,

Jeremie Miller

My Father, the Ninja…..

July 16, 2014featured, homepagebe present, best, celebrate life, child, children, choices, Compassion, dad, family, father, letting go, life, life lessons, love others, love yourself, parenting, parents, teach your children, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

When I hear the word Ninja, I think of a person who is stealthy, nimble and agile and uses the forces of his opponents to his advantage.

He only fights when necessary, and then too, only to defend himself or his family, or to right a terrible wrong.

My father is a Ninja.

He never let on to any of his three children how difficult it was to put food on the table. He never allowed us to suffer the stigma of “poverty” and always found ways to provide what we needed to succeed as students and young people. He encouraged all of our friends to visit, sleep over (often in drunken hazes when we were teenagers) and never once do I remember him lecturing or making us feel like losers for our immature behaviors.

He always led with love and followed with well placed stories with metaphorical lessons that somehow always made sense.

As my father lays in a sedated coma due to a severe stroke, we his children are left to remember the greatness of the Ninja skills he wielded so magnificently and we are left to wonder IF we managed to become the adults he always believed we could be and if we told him we loved him and showed it as much as we could.

I am so grateful that he never considered that his daughters be married off at young ages so that he would be relieved of our care.

He always stressed as much education as we were capable of and never wavered in his belief in our abilities to become fully functioning members of society.

I read about fathers and mothers who sell children into prostitution as a solution to bring money to the family. I cannot even imagine what my father would say to theses practices.

I read about parents dragging their girls out of school so that they can take care of the house and the younger siblings. I cannot even imagine what my Ninja father would say about that.

I cannot imagine lots of atrocities that I hear about fathers around the world. I am grateful that I had a DAD who would have given his last ounce of blood to keep his children safe and secure.

My father was a Ninja and as he sleeps in his coma, I can only hope that his dreams are of better times with me in Texas, where he loved to be.

He loved to go to the giant grocery stores and to buy what he wanted and came home to cook it for me and my children.

He loved driving my son to elementary school almost 25 miles away from home while I took care of a new baby.

He loved to go to Target and to be able to buy whatever his heart desired and it always desired very little.

If he had two pairs of pants, it was enough.

If he had four, he would say something like, “but I can only wear one pair at a time while I wash the other one.”

He was not a hoarder of material goods. He spent wisely and knew the value of a dollar.

My Ninja father taught me so very much and most of all he taught me the value of the relationship between Father and Daughter.

A bond that should never be taken lightly.

A bond that sets up the girl for a life of happiness or dread.

A bond that cements the way a girl feels about men.

My father, the Ninja, is my everything.

He is and will always be my hero.

Dad,
As you sleep know that I respect what you have taught me and I hope to continue to make you proud.

Love and light,
Indrani
Daughter of Ralph Augustine Nathu.

Practice the successes… not the failures

February 26, 2014featured, homepagebe present, celebrate your successes, change your behavior, choices, failures, gender based violence, gender violence, imagery, learn from failure, parenting, right action, start new, teach, teach our children, teach your children, youIndrani Goradia

A few weeks ago in the NY Times, I read an article on how Olympians use imagery to practice their jumps, runs and plays.

One of the team psychologists, Nicole Dietling said, “In images, it is absolutely crucial that you don’t fail. You are training those muscles and if you train those muscles to fail that is not where you really want to be. So one of the things I will do is if they fail in the image, we stop, rewind and replay again and again and again.”

I think that we can use this technique for creating the quality of life we expect for ourselves. We cannot use imagery to change another’s behaviors but we can use imagery to change our own behaviors.

Let’s say for example, that you have a teenager that drives you batty. You have tried everything you know and still the two of you end up in screaming and shouting matches.

YOU can use imagery to change the behaviors you want to change in yourself.

If you wish to NOT be in a shouting match, you can use imagery to bring up a fight that recurs with your child and when you SEE yourself losing it, STOP and rewind to the beginning of the fight and imagine yourself using a different behavior.

The sports psychologists who teach imagery teach that the athletes must see, feel, smell, hear and taste the entire scenario. So an athlete will be able to conjure up the wind in their face, the taste of the air, the smells of the venue, etc.

Similarly, you can use imagery to see which areas of contention get to you the most with the teenager.

You can begin to change your reactions to the child and control where the conversation will go.

When I had teenagers, I hated that I would often fall into the very shouting match I so desperately wanted to avoid.

I wish I would have known about imagery back then.

I think as parents we need to use every tool we have at our disposal to teach our children how to be calm and controlled adults and when we lose it, we just teach them that we have a lot of learning to do.

Let’s try to utilize all the techniques that are proven so we can model great parenting for our children. After all, most of us want grand kids and do we want our children yelling at our grand kids the way we are yelling at them?

I hope this helps the next time you feel that you are losing it, but it will ONLY help if you practice using imagery when you are not in the midst of the crisis.
Love and light,
Indrani

Two WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT….

August 28, 2013Uncategorizedanger, best, child, children, choices, Compassion, love others, next generation, parental guidance, parenting, parenting classes, protect your children, respect, right, right action, right speech, teach your children, two wrongs don't make a right, wrongIndrani Goradia

This was a saying that I used to hear while growing up in Trinidad, in The West Indies.

It was usually lobbed at me from a very angry parent, (read rageful) and it was usually because someone hit me and I hit them back.

I never understood why I should not defend myself.

Recently I visited my childhood home and as someone was telling a story about a child making a mistake, the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right” popped into my head.

The storyteller was relaying that a teenager had taken a dish into their kitchen and showed that the dish was still dirty.

A family member of the teenager then said, “Get the HELL out of the kitchen and put the damn cup down!”

The teller of the story was chuckling, gleefully, because the teenager had been “put in their place.”

In a flash, I was filled with anger and disgust and said, “Was it really necessary to curse and embarrass the teenager?”

The story teller was not at all pleased with the way their story landed on my psyche.

The storyteller did not see that yelling at children and publicly embarrassing them was not the way to teach.

It constantly amazes me that “mature” people still think screaming at children is the way to their hearts and minds.

Children need love, care, feeding and watering.

Parents, if you are still screaming, embarrassing and denigrating your children, please take as long as you need to look at your destructive behaviors.

You are destroying the next generation.

Please sign up for some parenting classes and I do not mean any of the “spare the rod, spoil the child” kind of classes.

I mean the class that shows you, the parent, that children are gifts from a divine source and that they are given to us to cherish and protect.

Love and light,

Indrani

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