What seed do you have inside that needs nourishing?
Tag Archives: truth
Dancing with Wild Abandon
I had seen her many times during the past few months. She is small and cute and always smiling.
For some reason, she always hugged me as soon as she saw me and we exchanged pleasantries.
When she danced in Zumba her hair flew, her hips spoke volumes and her arms were as expressive as the rest of the Latin lovelies in the class. She used her hair as another appendage and her golden locks flew every which way.
I always admired her ability to move fluidly and effortlessly, as I stomped about and pretended to be effortless also.
A few days ago, she lingered a little longer and I asked what she did when she was not in Zumba. She said she had two little ones, ages 2 and 5 and she takes care of them. I was surprised since she seemed to be 16 years old!
We talked a few more minutes and she asked, “You work in shelters?”
I replied, “Yes, I do.”
Without erasing her smile she said, “I was in a shelter in 2011.”
I am not easily surprised and I usually am not in “work” mode when at Zumba.
I paused and said, “The same man or another man?”
She said, “The same man.”
She continued, “He is not so bad these days.”
Then she said, “That is why I dance, to forget.”
She walked away with a sweet “Bye.”
I looked at her as she left, wanting to run to her and say I will always be here for you.
I could not, she did not ask me for my help.
I took comfort in knowing that she felt comfortable enough to speak her truth and that she has found a way to forget and deal with her pain.
Cardio for her heart…Zumba now holds a whole new meaning for me.
Love and Light,
Indrani
Are you a fence post?
A few months ago I was at a program at Kripalu and while on a walk one morning I observed some people building a fence.
That in of itself was not a big deal, except for the tool that was used to set the fence post.
It looked like a metal hat that fit over the top of the post and was used the push the post into the ground so it would be as sturdy as possible.
I immediately thought about women who were beaten down by others into being submissive and “put in their place” so the family system could be supported, whether the system was healthy or not.
I imagined that every time a woman or girl was told to be silent about rape or other abuse, that she was like that fence post, rammed on the head to be quiet and stay silent so that the status quo could be maintained.
I imagined that every time a woman decided that it was better to suffer in silence than shed light on the inhumane treatment she was receiving at home, that she was the one who banged herself into submission.
I imagined that she saw herself as the post and the tool. Maybe the thinking is that she better not rock the post or the whole system will come crashing down and everyone will blame her.
These musings are of course my own imaginings and I could be very wrong.
I have no answers about why women accept abuse and why they don’t speak up the very first time it happens.
Perhaps if one of you reading this has been silent in the past, the image of being bashed over the head as if you are a fence post might help you to speak up and take action.
If you don’t speak up now…then perhaps you will in the not so distant future.
My hope is that you eventually protect yourself and protect the children who may be witnessing the abuse.
Love and light,
Indrani
All WE need is SELF LOVE….
I will respect myself without your permission.
I will respect my work.
I will seek counsel from trusted advisors.
My work will be my life message.
My life will reflect my beliefs and values.
My values will be visible to ME at all times.
I will respect myself at equal or higher levels than I respect any others.
I expect equal levels of respect from all I meet.
I will not make excuses for my activism.
I will support myself with all of my resources.
I am whole and I am unique.
When faced with your doubt I will not accept it as my own.
When faced with my own doubt I will meet it with love, not fear.
My work is grounded in love.
My love fuels my drive.
Love and light,
Indrani
Lessons from Olga…..
She wouldn’t accept my offer of a bracelet.
She wouldn’t let me make a crown for her.
She refused to come closer.
She was one of the 200 or so students in one of the orphanages that my clown group visited.
There I was sitting on a step, making crowns from pipe cleaners. The kids were lined up for their crowns….girls, boys, small, big, some young and some older.
I am not sure when she decided to come closer, but there she was and ready for a crown.
I crafted her crown carefully and with an extra dose of gratitude for trusting that I would not harm her.
When the pipe cleaners were finished, I started making beaded bracelets for everyone. I made hers first and she carefully selected her beads from the small baggies that sat precipitously on my lap. As the kids realized that something new was being given, they quickly swarmed and began demanding their bracelet. She became my helper and as kids requested the color of beads, “rojo, verde, azul, blanco”. She quietly and efficiently fished the correct bead from the baggie and gave it to me to thread on the multi-colored string.
I hugged her and said, “Adios” and thanked her for her help. She smiled and her eyes twinkled.
The magic of this connection was that she did not know if she cared to connect or even if she trusted me. I did not base my success that morning on whether or not she would accept my gifts. I was there, loving and giving without thought as to what her role should or ought to be.
Should she be grateful that I had come all the way from America to visit that orphanage?
Should she care that I had spent money on these pipe cleaners and the baggie of beads?
No!
Her only job was to be herself.
My job was to be loving and present and joyful.
We both did our jobs well.
Now if only I can remember to practice this giving of myself in a pure and unattached way. A way that says, I am here for you, if you’d like to come closer.
A way that allows me to KNOW that chasing you or begging you or demanding of you to be a certain way is just unacceptable.
A way that tells me you are responsible for whom and what you accept from me.
A way that shows me to stay true to me and allow you to stay true to you and hope that in our separate trueness we can still share love, peace and harmony.
Thanks Olga, for these big lessons.
I will hold your smile in my heart forever.
May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be free.
Love and light,
Indrani
Silence like a cancer grows…..
This line is borrowed from a very popular Simon and Garfunkel song.
It starts off with, “Hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again…”
This is the song of abuse.
Abuse is cyclical. Life is “good” and then there is an event, some supposed affront….then comes the violence, whether physical, verbal or both.
The cycle can be tracked. You can plot it on a calendar, just like a woman’s cycle.
The span of time between events can vary, but the “affront” will always be followed by violence. The abuser will always have VERY good reasons, why they were left without recourse, but to strike out.
It will be words like, “Look what you made me do.” Or “You always do this and I have no choice.”
One of the saddest and most telling stories I recently heard while in India was about a woman who had been set on fire by her husband. While in the rickshaw going to the hospital, the man fell at her feet crying that he was sorry but it was her fault for whatever she had done. He begged her not to tell the police that he had done it.
Guess what?
She lied to the hospital and to the police and she said it was an accident. She took the entire brunt of the incident, the physical torture, the emotional torture and the blame. She thought that he would “love” her more, since she showed how strong she was.
What she did not realize was that he cannot love.
If he was capable of love he would never have burned her.
He was only concerned with NOT being caught and put in jail.
This story is gruesome, and it is sad and you may be tempted to say “ah, my story is nothing like this.”
Be careful of dismissing this too quickly, as it holds many lessons for us.
It tells us to be aware of the cycles.
It tells us to have faith and courage in OUR TRUTH.
It tells us to be strong in our convictions.
Most of all, it tells us to allow the authorities to do their jobs.
What secrets are you holding?
What wrongs are you accepting blame for that were not your fault?
Who are you letting off the hook by making YET another excuse for their poor behavior?
Silence like a cancer grows.
Remove the cancers.
Speak up.
Speak out.
Speak.
Love and light,
Indrani
Quit your CFU job….
Don’t worry….there are no curse words in CFU, it means CHIEF FIXER UPPER.
How do you know that you have been promoted to this exhaled position?
Well, it’s the subtle signs;
- only you can find the cold cuts in the fridge
- only you can pick up socks from the floor
- only you can load a dishwasher
- only you can go to the grocery
- only you can make an effort at a peaceful relationship
Get the idea?
I am sure that you can come up with a few more examples from your own life.
Did you apply for this job?
If you did, what was the job description like?
Was it a one liner that sounded like, “FIX MY LIFE NOW and FOREVER”?
Check out the Mary Oliver poem called THE JOURNEY.
I believe that Mary Oliver found herself in the CFU job and she had to quit.
I think that her poem was her resignation letter.
What would your resignation letter look like?
It can be a Poem.
It can be a short letter.
It can be a long profound thesis with tons of explanations and life examples… but this may make you more upset when you remember all the stuff that you CHOOSE to take on.
Wait?
What?
CHOOSE to take on?
Uh huh, choose. It may sound harsh that I am telling you to choose to take it on, but really did someone hold a gun to your head to make you do it? If the answer is yes, that a GUN was held to your head, make immediate plans to leave that environment.
So now, let’s just see how you got THAT thankless job.
Were you always a fixer? Were you a “born” helper? Did you get lots of pats on the back for always having the solution? Were people always calling you up so you could fix their issues? Do you feel useless if you are not fixing something or someone?
What would happen if you simply STOPPED all the fixing?
Who would you be upsetting?
Make a list of all the significant folks in your life and put a Y or an N next to their names if they would be upset or not? Then add up all the No people and tell them THANKS for all the support they have given you. Thank them for not expecting you to be the constant Fixer.
Now for the YES people, what to do with them?
The truth is that the issue is with YOU, not them. You have not been able to say NO to these folks who expect you to fix everything. You have trained them to expect you to fix it all.
It may sound harsh but we really do train others how to treat us.
We train them by not speaking our truth.
We train them by not being able to say a NO that respects both them and ourselves.
We train them by assuming that if we do just one more thing, they may leave us alone.
We also assume that we are teaching them something, like maybe how to do it themselves the next time.
They learn nothing but “there she goes again” taking this new load of “crap” off my plate.
A dear friend of mine was on a professional coach call yesterday and a significant member of her family (a grown up), interrupted her to say that SHE needs to call the insurance company to get something done.
Why does SHE need to call?
Why did he interrupt her?
Easy answer…..she trained him over the course of many years to expect that she would “fix” all that was broken, not working, or just plain pissing him off.
Yes, she has a great strength, which is to find solutions, but what do we teach others when WE are the only ones to find the solutions?
What happens when people are so dependent on us and we fall ill or die?
We leave them in a lurch and we leave them helpless.
It may be better if we teach them how to fix their own issues so that both people can take full responsibility for the smooth running of the family.
I know that it is easier said than done. I understand that the people you care about may get angry and say some hurtful things.
What I am asking you to do is to care for yourself and your physical, mental and emotional health as much as you care for theirs.
One of my favorite quotes is this one from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter to us.”
What things matter to you?
I invite you to speak them to a trusted friend, not complaining about all that you must do, but rather, what steps you will take to do less and have the able bodied people in your life do more.
Love and light,
Indrani, Former CFU.
Sunrise…
Sunrise.
Throw back the curtains and let the sunlight illuminate it all.
Expose the lies that have been accepted as truths.
Shine light on the emotional needs.
Look, see the physical needs.
Acknowledge the psychological needs.
Let the heat of the sun caress the body, let the mind swim freely in the glow.
Accept a new day.
Wishing for the Sound of Silence…
Sing the following words to the tune of the Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel…
“Hello story my old friend
I’ve come to fondle you again
Because your lies have me trapped in
The same old paths that are in my brain
And the stories, never give me any peace, any peace,
Wishing for the sounds of silence”
Ok, so I am not a real lyricist…. but I do pretend to be one once in a while.
My teacher and mentor Dr. Martha Beck, tells us that we all have a tendency to ‘story fondle.’ You know, telling the same dramatic story over and over again and looking for people to agree and to commiserate. If someone challenges our story, we tend to become defensive and lash out or sulk in a corner.
How DARE they not believe us?
Who do they think they are?
What right do they have to say that my truth may in fact be just a story?
Ask yourself this, have you told many someones the same story over and over?
Why do you feel compelled to repeat old stories?
Ask yourself, “Do these stories bring me joy?”
I know whereof I speak, I have used this technique, and it only kept me stuck.
I got tired of being stuck.
The only way I could free myself was to consciously not tell the story. Not ever.
I did vent in therapy where I could get some insight, but other than that I started to create new themes.
It is not easy to step out of the story.
The stories are familiar, and on a strange level…even comforting.
You know every word, where to place charged emphasis and where to shed a tear.
We are academy award winners in our own plays.
Do you need a different way?
Are you tired of being angry and sad?
Yes?
Change the stories.
Make them comedic monologues instead of dramas.
Put on a costume and tell the story from that character’s point of view.
Tell the story with a fake accent and crack yourself up.
Do anything.
Do something different.
If you don’t, who will?
Love and light,
Indrani
Am I fired?
A few weeks ago I received an email from someone I barely knew regarding my classes in which she has never attended.
Her information came from some of those who had taken my class. These people had some sensitive nerves touched and decided their pain was my fault! The email was mean spirited and made accusations that were untrue.
What was I going to do?
Was I going to retaliate?
Was I going to react?
The first thing I had to do was control my mind chatter and control my emotions. I felt the tears stinging at the edges of my eyes and I blinked them back. After a while the tears did not need to show themselves. I got hold of my thoughts and I formed my next steps.
I decided that my steps would be based on my TRUTH.
My deepest truth about the work that I do is that IT IS NECESSARY! The pain of an abuse victim pales in comparison with the slight pain that I was feeling.
I asked myself, “Indrani, how far would you go to reach a woman who needed to hear what you have to say about resilience and courage?”
My answer was “as far as I need to.”
So how far would I go to reach the women that I had come to reach?
I replied to the email and decided that I would go as far as I could go without damage to myself.
What kind of damage? EMOTIONAL damage!
So I took that mean spirited email as a CASE study and I sent myself to NEGOTIATION school.
I had taken a class in negotiating a few months ago, so I began to apply the principles.
A negotiation is a two way street where everyone compromises and therefore wins.
So what did I want to WIN?
I wanted to win a chance to share something with the women.
What did this boss lady want to win? I had no idea!
I only had the email to guide me so I looked at what they were AFRAID of.
I charted what I read alongside what my true work was.
I very carefully began to craft my response and I held in my heart the women who would be in my class.
I did the class that afternoon for 2.5 hours and returned the next day for 3.5 hours. The women that took part asked me to stay longer. They even called the boss lady to ask and she said NO. She said that “they were not ready”.
How did she know?
I have no idea!
They felt sad and I left.
I felt like both she and I won.
I won the respect of the women and she won the time frame constraints.
As I write this I am resting in my hotel room, looking at THE VOW.
It seems like a great title because it lines up with the VOW I made to myself to honor my truth.
Love, light & truth,
Indrani