Tag Archives: use your voice

Wishing for the Sound of Silence…

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Sing the following words to the tune of the Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel…

“Hello story my old friend
I’ve come to fondle you again
Because your lies have me trapped in
The same old paths that are in my brain
And the stories, never give me any peace, any peace,
Wishing for the sounds of silence”

Ok, so I am not a real lyricist…. but I do pretend to be one once in a while.

My teacher and mentor Dr. Martha Beck, tells us that we all have a tendency to ‘story fondle.’ You know, telling the same dramatic story over and over again and looking for people to agree and to commiserate.  If someone challenges our story, we tend to become defensive and lash out or sulk in a corner.

How DARE they not believe us?
Who do they think they are?
What right do they have to say that my truth may in fact be just a story?

Ask yourself this, have you told many someones the same story over and over?
Why do you feel compelled to repeat old stories?
Ask yourself, “Do these stories bring me joy?”

I know whereof I speak, I have used this technique, and it only kept me stuck.
I got tired of being stuck.
The only way I could free myself was to consciously not tell the story. Not ever.
I did vent in therapy where I could get some insight, but other than that I started to create new themes.
It is not easy to step out of the story.
The stories are familiar, and on a strange level…even comforting.
You know every word, where to place charged emphasis and where to shed a tear.
We are academy award winners in our own plays.

Do you need a different way?
Are you tired of being angry and sad?
Yes?
Change the stories.
Make them comedic monologues instead of dramas.
Put on a costume and tell the story from that character’s point of view.
Tell the story with a fake accent and crack yourself up.
Do anything.
Do something different.
If you don’t, who will?

Love and light,
Indrani

Is school making your child crazy?

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Is school making your child crazy?

“The purpose of school should be to prepare kids for the rest of their lives, but too often what kids need to be prepared for is surviving the school day itself.” Susan Cain, QUIET

For the parent of a child who is being bullied, the above quote must be especially poignant…that is, if you are lucky enough to be told that they are being bullied. This blog is not about bullying but about being SHY and being ashamed of being shy.

Dr. Brene Brown tells us that shame says “I am bad.”
If a child has learned to be ashamed of being shy and is cajoled or taunted to be more outgoing, this child may feel that being shy is so bad that their existence is useless.

I feel that many shy children feel invisible. They know they have the right answers, but are afraid to put their hands up and speak out loud in the classroom. They cannot get full marks on any report card because a grade is being given for “class participation”. Many want to participate and when they work one-on-one they can have exciting
conversations, but in a group they freeze.

Telling this child to be something other than what they really are will not make them change. As parents and educators we have to learn how to work with the introversion so that the child can feel pride about their ability to be reflective, and introspective. We have to show them that their minds works differently and beautifully and show them how to find ways to be a part of the group, but in a way that feels safe to them.

“The truth is that many schools are designed for extroverts,” says Susan Cain.
So what do we do as parents and advocates for our introverted kids?
“When encouraging shy children to speak…it helps to make the topic so compelling that they forget their inhibitions.”

As parents and educators we can take sincere interests in the activities of the introverted child and use the love of those activities to encourage them to talk.

During the summer months, while kids are out if school, the time is right to begin the project of speaking up and out in the safety of one’s home.
These skills are important, if only to be able to tell others to stop bullying them. Being able to speak up for ones emotional health is  skill that we must teach our children. They are the future leaders.

In the May 21st, 2012 issue of Fortune Magazine, Doug Conant, the former Campbell Soup CEO gives some great advice.

He says:
1. “Don’t change who you are…people are not mind readers- you need to let them know if you are shy.”
2. “Say what’s on your mind…I’ve met so many leaders who realize that telling your colleagues something that is on your mind is so much easier than keeping it in.”
3. “Know who you work with…You might just find that you have introverts embedded within your organization who are natural-born leaders.”
4. “Find alone time…Introverts get more energy by having quiet time, compared with extroverts who find energy by being around people.”

This advice from Mr. Conant shows that introverts in the work force have a lot to contribute, and as parents/educators of these future leaders we owe it to them to prepare them for their whole lives…a life full of other people and challenges beyond those of childhood.

I hope you take up this project, it is well worth it.

Love and light,
Indrani

Am I fired?

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A few weeks ago I received an email from someone I barely knew regarding my classes in which she has never attended.
Her information came from some of those who had taken my class. These people had some sensitive nerves touched and decided their pain was my fault! The email was mean spirited and made accusations that were untrue.

What was I going to do?
Was I going to retaliate?
Was I going to react?

The first thing I had to do was control my mind chatter and control my emotions. I felt the tears stinging at the edges of my eyes and I blinked them back. After a while the tears did not need to show themselves. I got hold of my thoughts and I formed my next steps.

I decided that my steps would be based on my TRUTH.
My deepest truth about the work that I do is that IT IS NECESSARY! The pain of an abuse victim pales in comparison with the slight pain that I was feeling.

I asked myself, “Indrani, how far would you go to reach a woman who needed to hear what you have to say about resilience and courage?”
My answer was “as far as I need to.”
So how far would I go to reach the women that I had come to reach?
I replied to the email and decided that I would go as far as I could go without damage to myself.
What kind of damage? EMOTIONAL damage!

So I took that mean spirited email as a CASE study and I sent myself to NEGOTIATION school.
I had taken a class in negotiating a few months ago, so I began to apply the principles.
A negotiation is a two way street where everyone compromises and therefore wins.
So what did I want to WIN?
I wanted to win a chance to share something with the women.
What did this boss lady want to win? I had no idea!
I only had the email to guide me so I looked at what they were AFRAID of.
I charted what I read alongside what my true work was.
I very carefully began to craft my response and I held in my heart the women who would be in my class.

I did the class that afternoon for 2.5 hours and returned the next day for 3.5 hours. The women that took part asked me to stay longer. They even called the boss lady to ask and she said NO. She said that “they were not ready”.

How did she know?
I have no idea!
They felt sad and I left.
I felt like both she and I won.
I won the respect of the women and she won the time frame constraints.

As I write this I am resting in my hotel room, looking at THE VOW.
It seems like a great title because it lines up with the VOW I made to myself to honor my truth.

Love, light & truth,

Indrani

Is it cultural or just bad manners?

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A few weekends ago, I was lucky enough to spend some time with an amazing
group of people that I really like. We do not get together very often so this time was quite precious.

During one of our days together a group had gathered in the kitchen. We discussed topics from real estate to ice-cream and everything in-between. People were listening to each other and taking turns speaking. The conversation was flowing quite well. Then someone else walked into the room and decided to ask one of the group members a question.

This is how she did it:
She stood a good 3 feet away from the group and YELLED as loud as she could to get the other persons attention. He looked up having heard her voice and started conversing with her as loud as he could. He had to shout (or so he thought) because the original conversation was still happening. The woman then walked closer to the table and the new conversation was carried on over the existing one.

This dynamic was so amazing.
I thought it rude and distasteful.
Was it?
Could it be that this is how these people communicate?

I waited for her to leave and the group settled back into our chat.
A few minutes later this same woman approached someone else who was talking directly to me and with her loud voice asked him a question and he immediately turned to answer her.
Now I am upset.
I say in MY LOUDEST voice…”SO DOES THIS MEAN YOU ARE FINISHED TALKING TO ME?”
He turns to me and says “Oh, no!”
She seems shocked that I had to interrupt her. The woman then walked away.

Again after a few minutes, this same woman wanted to speak to another member of the group. This time she approached and whispered in the person’s ear.
She got it!
She stopped interrupting the entire room with her loud voice. She stopped hijacking an ongoing conversation because she thought her needs were more important.

All of the above happened without anyone else being mindful. I am sure that if I had asked someone what they thought, they would have said, “Well, that’s just her”.
Does it make it okay to disregard the activities that are already happening?
I do not have the answers to these questions.
I do know, however, that my time is as important as hers and my conversations as scintillating so I will not accept constant interruptions.
That’s just me.
If you find yourself in this situation, do you take charge?
Is it easier to just be quiet?
Is it culture or bad manners?
Would it be okay to interrupt people anywhere or is it situational?

We spend our whole lives engaged in some form of communication. I am at a stage where I want my encounters to be meaningful. I have no time for idle chatter or people who jump in and hijack my moments of encounter. I will try to not be rude but I will say something.

When we choose to spend time with people, let’s really BE with them. Let’s really listen to what they have to say. Let our body language say to the world that something special is happening and that others should wait their turn or ask permission to interrupt.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say if as women we do not speak up in the home to get our points heard, how will we be able to speak up in the board room?

There is ample research that women’s voices are overlooked in the board room and others get credit for ideas that were not theirs.
The time to practice having your voice heard is at the kitchen table.
The loudest mouth in the room is not necessarily the smartest.

So speak up, we need your words and your wisdom.

Love and light,
Indrani

Why can’t you read my mind?

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When my kids were very young I told them
that I could read their minds. That got them to “own up” pretty quickly to who had done what. That lasted all of 3 days. I must admit…they were pretty smart for their age.

One thing that was worse however was that I expected other people to read my mind and to automatically know what I expected and what made me happy. I mean, if I actually had to ASK for what I wanted, then what was the good of it? I not only expected it, I was UNAWARE that I expected it. Further, I had NO idea what I really wanted! So even if someone did something awesome, I could not fully appreciate it.

The first inclination I had that something was really skewed with my thinking was when a therapist asked me “what I wanted from life”.
What?
What kind of stupid question was that?
“I want what everyone wants!” was my sarcastic quip.
“Really?” he replied. “What does everyone want?”
“People want to be happy! I want to be happy!”
He, in his infinite patience replied, “So what would make you happy?”

Then I was stumped.

I DID NOT know the answer to that question.

My brain felt like it was on the spin cycle and no one was going to press the done button.

That was the beginning of my quest for what would make me happy.

I tried to continue to please everyone, but with GUSTO. I mean if I really LOST myself in making others happy…then surely I would be happy?

It did not work.
Some of those people that I was DYING to please STILL were not happy.
They wanted more and more and still more.
I tried to find the “more” and I became LESS. I had less energy for my dreams, less energy for my self-care and less connections to the people I cared about. In trying to please the FEW, I neglected myself and everything else that was important to me.

The term “DYING to please” was very real to me. I put anything healthy for myself on the back burner. Hell, it was NOT even on the stove top. It was stored away with all the junk that I no longer needed.

I had to learn to put myself back on the stove, then FIRST on my list.
I had to learn to say out loud what it was that I wanted and not expect people to read my mind.
I had to learn to set very clear boundaries around what I would and would not do.
I had to learn about what made me happy.

I saw everything as a lesson. Some lessons I loved and others I hated.
I did less and less of what I hated and more of what I loved.

This is how I learned to speak my truth and how to stop expecting others to read my mind.
Thinking back now, I can’t believe that I ever wanted someone to be able to read my mind.  All my secrets would be fair game and that is a scary thought.

Love and light,

Indrani

Who’s the boss of YOU?

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Do you remember your kids ever screaming “you’re not the boss of me”?
The fact of the matter is you were the boss of them. They knew it and you knew it.
Who have you given the power to be the boss of you?

Who is the boss of you?

Bosses have power.
Bosses tell us what to do.
They hold our future in their hand.
They can fire us.
They can choose to compliment us or chew us out.
We feel that we must behave a certain way around them for fear of a disapproving look or a nasty comment.

Now I would like you to review the previous statements and change the
words “bosses” and “they” to I. Change “us” to me.

So the first would read:

I have power.

I am not asking you to “believe” the reworded sentences…I’m just asking you to notice how they make you feel.
Do they make you squirm?
Do they make you sit up and take notice?

When we give our power away, it is likely that we have done it for a long time. We may have allowed our parents to make important decisions for us, long after our childhoods. We may allow our superiors or elders to tell us what to think and what to believe.
We may never dream to question the status quo.
These are learned behaviors.
If we can learn something then we can unlearn it.

Are there things you want to unlearn?
Are there people from whom you want to withdraw your power?
Are you ready to be the ONLY BOSS of you?

I invite you to ponder the points made in this blog.

May the power be with you!

Love and light
Indrani

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE…why you should care.

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Why should you care? Why should anyone care about Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence is insipid. If you have never heard this term, the definition of domestic violence is the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another; also : a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior .

Domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes. Only approximately one-quarter of all physical assaults, one-fifth of all rapes, and one-half of all stalkings perpetuated against females by intimate partners are reported to the police.…from www.ncadv.org/files/
DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

Why would such crimes be under-reported?

Have you ever been a victim of hateful and nasty behavior?

This could be happening in high school. Perhaps a boyfriend tells you to be a certain way and if you do not, he berates you and calls you names that made you feel worthless.

He tells you that no other man could love you. He calls you a slut or other unsavory names. He makes fun of you in front of his friends.

Did you tell anyone?

Did you report him to the school authorities?

Did you call the Teen Abuse hot line 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)?

You probably did nothing.

You may not even have recognized that you were being abused. You may even have convinced yourself that it was your fault.

You may have seen your own Mother abused at home and so you feel that “true love” must look like that.

Your own Mother may be making excuses for the man in her life, and you see that her abuse is much more horrific.

So you say nothing.

After all, you do not have it “that” bad.

Abuse is insipid and it is confusing. How can a person with whom you are having intimate relations treat you so horribly? How can the person you swear you love be so mean and hateful to you?

You try so hard to please him and nothing ever works.

You feel like you are always walking on egg shells.

His rage erupts for the smallest infraction, and you are afraid to take any action unless the action is sanctioned by the abuser.

These are but a few of the reasons why Domestic Violence is under-reported.

Women are confused and brain washed into thinking that all of it is their fault.

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.1 An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.2 85% of domestic violence victims are women. Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew. Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.… from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

These facts were taken from a PDF found when I googled Domestic Violence.

I am not making this up. Below are actual numbers taken from the same article that I found on Google.

The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.

Victims of intimate partner violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them by current or former husbands, boyfriends and dates. This loss is the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of violence.

There are 16,800 homicides and $2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.…from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

If you are not being abused, there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE that you know someone who is being abused.

 

Please keep your eyes and ears open. Please encourage those suffering to seek counsel and support. There are MANY support centers around the country and world. If you are the one suffering, please reach out here and I will direct you to some help in your area.

You can send an e mail to

info@indranislight.org with the subject line… A HEADS UP.

You can use a computer at the library or at a friend’s home.

This is NOT your fault. You have done NOTHING wrong.

You deserve to be loved and respected.

Please reach out either for your own self or for someone else.

My personal mantra is ONE ABUSED WOMAN IS ONE TOO MANY! Please help me in this endeavor to eradicate DV from the face of the earth. WE can do it if we band together.

Love and Light

Indrani

 

 

 

 

When I say NO… Do you hear MAYBE?

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A case study in Nonviolent communication.

I just got a call from a charity for Breast Cancer Research asking for
a little something for underprivileged women.
This is how it began:
Me …Hello
Them…Is the lady of the house there?
Me…Who’s calling?

Note that I did not say… Oh yes, I am the lady of the house…

Them… This is so and so and we serve women who cannot…..

Me… I support breast cancer research and will not be able to support
your organization.

Them…Please do not draw the line, these women cannot pay their rent….etc

Now I am pissed, she did not hear my NO.
But then I think of the book Nonviolent Communication that I have
been devouring and I think, oh what a great time to use it here.

So I quickly do:
O
F
N
R

O- observe what is happening.

F- feel my feelings… I knew that I was feeling irritated and I
started down a road of “if she only knew how much I donate”… Then I stopped
myself.

N- What are my needs and what are her needs? She needs me to give her
money and I need to be true to my established charity budget and not go over
that amount.

R- What request am I going to make based on MY needs?

So let’s return to the conversation

Them…Please don’t draw the line….
Me…Amanda, I support Breast Cancer research and I am NOT going to
give anything more at this moment.

My voice was clear and precise and very purposeful.
She heard it and responded.

Them… Oh, thanks for supporting Breast Cancer.
Me… You are welcome.

Here’s what I did:
I knew my NO.
I knew why I was saying NO.
I did not let myself get caught up in the story of her population, not
out of not caring for them but out of a very caring place for me and
where I put my charity dollars. I really believe that I am doing what
I can do and I will do more when I decide it is time to do more.

If you go back up to the top of the post you will see many little
things that could have derailed me…
-Request for a little something
-The story of who needs the help
-Her telling me that I have drawn a line

NONE of those things matter when you are standing on solid ground.
This makes me sound like a right winger. I am neither a left winger
nor a right winger. I am simply following the plan that I set out at
the beginning of the year before the charities had a chance to get to
my emotions.

Emotions have a big role in what we give and who we give to BUT giving
has to support the bigger picture and must come from the heart.

This lesson is especially true for your energy. Money is easier to
find than energy.

A dear friend, Gretchen Pisano (www.soundingboardink.com) taught me
this past week that we all have units of energy and we must manage our
energy, not just our time and I am adding not just our other resources.

When people make requests of you that involve energy expenditures, you
have to use:

O… Observe what is happening without evaluating… You will know if
you are evaluating if words like should and must pop into your
mind/conversation.

Here are some examples of observations and evaluations from Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg
1. John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.
2. My father is a good man
3. Pam was first in line every day this week.
What was an observation VS evaluation here?

F…knowing what we are feeling and expressing what we are feeling.
I realized rather quickly after she said ” drawing a line” that I was
getting irritated, and I could have spoken instead to “how dare you
tell me I am drawing a line blah, blah, blah” but I just FELT the
feelings and then asked myself what I wanted for me…what is my
request of me, not of her? I could wish that no one hits me up for
money anymore, but I can only be in charge of what I will do when it
does happen.

Here are examples from Rosenberg about statements of feelings
1. I feel like hitting you.
2. I feel good about what you did for me.
3. You’re disgusting.
What is a feeling VS a non-feeling here?

N…knowing what you need is taking responsibility for your feelings.
In my case with Amanda, I was irritated because I had an unmet need
for HER to know that I am generous and that I do not draw lines around
charity giving. I am very purposeful and give quite freely. In this
case, Amanda’s job was to get my money. My job was not to keep it from
her but for ME to KNOW what I was willing to do and not do. I met my
need for acknowledgement of generosity by telling myself that I was
generous and by communicating it to her very purposefully.

Here are some examples of needs from Rosenberg… Remember a need is
taking responsibility for YOUR feelings.
1. I feel frustrated when you come late.
2. I feel disappointed that you said you would do it and you did not.
3. I feel scared when you raise your voice.
Which of the above statements takes responsibility for their own feelings?

R…request of others in order to enrich life for us…Rosenberg
In this case vague language will not help clarify the situation… E.g.
you know Amanda, I kinda give a lot and I feel so bad and I don’t know
what to do because…
This language does not serve me. Being clear and requesting what I
want is called for here. I could have said “I do not want you to ask me for a donation”, but I chose to focus on saying what I do and
saying what I was not going to do.
I also did not use a negative as in “I won’t give to you” I used a
positive as in “I give generously already”.

Here are some examples of requesting statements that are very clear
and not so clear.
1. I want you to understand me.
2. I want you to stop drinking.
3. I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.
Which statements are clear VS vague?

This way of communicating is not easy, as we have been taught to
use language to onshore what we truly feel. This way we won’t feel
vulnerable.
A brilliant woman, Brene Brown tells us that vulnerability is the key to
being who we are and getting what we want from life.
Hear her Vulnerability TED talk here.

I also recommend that you read
Nonviolent Communication.

If you are having judgments of whether I should have given in to the
charity that is a whole other conversation called a moralistic
judgment. You can have a VALUE of charity giving, but when you start
judging others on HOW much and how often they SHOULD give, then we are
getting on our moral high horse.

Love and light
Indrani

Enough already, stop falling down!

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Imagine this…

A toddler gets the courage to take a few steps and falls. Mom and Dad
clap with outstretched arms and help her up.
She’s quite befuddled as to how she got up in the first place and now
how she got down.
She accepts the help that comes with a provision of hugs and kisses
and the perfect family continues to play this game until she becomes
utterly exhausted.

Tucked safely in her crib, Mom and Dad begin to strategize about
tomorrow’s walking lessons.
“We’ll walk behind her and not let her fall”
“We’ll install handles all over the house so she will always have a
way to stand up straight.”
They continue with their plans and they remember fondly how the baby
next door, just walked effortlessly in one day.

They are pleased with themselves and go to bed.
A few weeks later, baby is still struggling and keeps toppling, but seems
to be enjoying the process of standing up and falling down.

They change up the game plan but nothing seems to be working. This is
taking much longer than is convenient for them.

One day, they both look at each other in exasperation and as baby holds
out his hand for help they say,
” Enough already, stand up!”

Are you appalled?

I was cringing as I was creating this, it is so awful!
What awful parents!
Call CPS!

But wait a minute…
Don’t we do exactly this to ourselves as we are learning new behaviors?

We try to stand up for ourselves and say “NO! I will not accept that anymore”.

The other person fights back and makes us feel bad and we give up.
We give up because it is too painful to keep trying the new behavior and                                                                                                  fall on our face then try to find the strength to start all over again.

We look at ourselves in the mirror and yell at our reflection. We berate
the small person inside that keeps trying to make a happier life for
the “mature” person staring back at us.

I give you permission to treat yourself as a tender toddler and keep trying.
Do you have mean friends who keep putting you down and trying to
influence you to give up?

Say this to them:

Enough already with the negativity! If you cannot support my growth
then we have to renegotiate this relationship.

Have fun falling down and getting back up. Practice makes better. Let’s kick
perfection to the curb. Have fun with your missteps.

 

Love & light,

Indrani