Tag Archives: vulnerability

Men need to become better leaders…and as a man this is terrifying

March 18, 2015featured, homepage, News & Updatesabuse, an empowered no, best, child, children, choices, courage, end gender violence, fear, frustration, gender based violence, gender violence, Jackson Katz, lead by example, leaders, life lessons, men's issues, respect, right action, right speech, standing your ground, step up, teach others, TED Talk, truthful speech, use your voice, violence, vulnerability, youJeremie Miller

I am sitting with a bunch of guys in a dressing room at the local hockey arena. Everyone is taking a break from a game of men’s floor hockey, drinking a few beers, and telling tall tales.

Then it begins…comments about the wives and women in our lives:

“I came home the other day and the house wasn’t even clean. What the hell is she doing all day while I am at work? Sitting around growing her ass or what”

“I told her I was coming here and it was blah blah blah, you never spend time with me. Of course I don’t, all you do is nag”

“Did you see that girl in the bar Thursday night….she had huge guns, they were amazing”

“I totally took her home, banged her, and showed her the door…”

And so it goes. Degenerating into inappropriate jokes and comments that no one in that room would say in public or outside of a room of a bunch of men drinking beer and kidding around.

Now, with my new realizations around Gender Based Violence, and the treatment of women, I need to stand up and say:

“Ummm….hey guys…this isn’t cool, you know. Aaaahhh…talking about your wives this way isn’t helping how your son sees women. That, ah.. that girl in the bar is someone’s daughter. Do you want someone talking about your daughter that way?”

Silence.

Dumbfounded silence mixed with shock, and looks of “who the hell invited this guy?”

Jackson Katz, in the Ted Talk below, clearly explains why focusing on women when talking about gender based violence is wrong, and why this focus needs to shift to men, and what men are doing (and not doing about it). He also clearly explains that men need to become leaders around this topic, and that the true battle will be won, not in public, when we are openly defending women, but within the small groups of men where so much of this harmful talk continues in a “safe zone”.

I hear what Jackson is saying, and it terrifies me. I want to be this leader. I want to make sure my son’s view of women is healthy. I want to protect all the daughters out there. I want to help eliminate violence against women.

Writing for Indrani’s Light Foundation – check.

Helping train others to help women in shelters – check.

Speaking out about gender based violence in social media – check.

Share the message with local schools and other people – check.

Stand up, in the moment, in a group of guys, and call them on their bullshit statements.

Gulp.

That one I NEED to work on, and it isn’t going to be easy.

But I am going to try.

If you are a man, or have men in your life who could use help developing this leadership, and taking this plunge, share Jackson Katz’s video and let’s get started.

Link: http://www.ted.com/talks/jackson_katz_violence_against_women_it_s_a_men_s_issue?language=en#t-284753

My friend Ray and the lesson of black tape…..

February 4, 2015featured, homepageabuse, an empowered no, ask for help, be vulnerable, best, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, domestic violence, fear, gender based violence, gender violence, life lessons, look at your truth, self love, self respect, speak your truth, standing your ground, stop hiding, truth, truthful speech, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Recently, I had the great fortune to be in Trinidad with my only brother, his lovely wife and our childhood friend, Ray.

We were all headed to the store to purchase a 60th birthday gift for another friend.

My brother was riding in the passenger seat up front while Ray drove and in the midst of recanting an old and funny story, he said very casually,
“Hey brother, what’s that red light on your dash?”

Ray, quite nonchalantly said, “Doh worry ’bout dat man, I put a piece of black tape over it, I don’t want to know what it is.”

And in typical Ray style, he started to laugh.

My sister in law, sitting next to me in the back then says, “So why is there tape over the locks in the back?”

Ray says, “Oh the locks are broken and I just don’t want people messing with them.”

We all start howling with laughter and start teasing Ray about his ability to block out the everyday annoyances of life.

I immediately say, “You know that I am going to have to write a blog about this, right?”

The thing about using black tape to cover up warning lights and broken bits of a machine made me think of the hoops we jump through to hide our shameful abuse from others.

Women will use any amount of makeup to try to hide the black eye.

Teenagers will lie to their friends and wear long sleeves to try and hide the cutting they started as a result of the incest they are suffering in their homes.

Young children know that they dare not tell about the knock down drag outs that their parents engage in and they instead begin to create a fairy tale family that they trot out to mask their pain.

Recently, during a Train the Trainer, one of the participants told the group that he never knew his parents because the state had taken him away due to abuse. He then explained that he made up a fairy tale of benevolent parents and used to tell fairy tale stories about the imagined family.

We use black tape in our everyday lives so effectively that we often forget the tape is there.

We begin to see the tape as the reality and we fight for the right to deny the reality of our pain.

What parts of your life have you taped over?

What is the tape hiding?

What would happen if you pulled the tape off and allowed yourself to face the truth?

I pull the tape off my own bruises every time I tell an audience that my abuse began in my childhood. When I am honest with my listeners and when they are able to receive the truth of what I am saying, they witness the absence of black tape.

I let them see my scars.

I let them in on my pain.

As a result of my being vulnerable, they give themselves permission to do the same.

Will you remove some black tape from your life today?

I give you permission to look at your truth.

Love and light,
Indrani

One simple act…..

January 21, 2015featured, homepagebully, bullying, child, children, choices, Compassion, courage, do one thing, end violence in our schools, fear, gender based violence, gender violence, life lessons, love others, love yourself, no more bullying, respect, right action, shine brightly, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

Change the world with ONE simple act….like opening a door consistently.

What a guy!

Can we all be more like him?
http://www.wimp.com/simplething/

Suffering from depression? This might help…..

August 20, 2014featured, homepagebe positive, best, choices, courage, depression, depression awareness, end GBV, gender based violence, gender violence, happiness, help, kick perfection to the curb, letting go of negative, love yourself, positive surroundings, positivity, reach out for help, self love, self respect, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

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A dear friend, Keisha Gallegos compiled this list of strategies for dealing with depression and we want to share it with the world. Please share if you know someone struggling with depression. We hope it helps.

First of all, if you are not functioning well or if it takes an inordinate amount of energy to get even the smallest task accomplished- medication. Be evaluated by a psychiatrist. That’s their specialty.

If you don’t like the first one you see, go see a different one. The first medication you try may not work, I had to try several before I got one that worked well.

In my opinion, untreated depression is much worse than possible side affects from medication. Your body can’t heal when you are depressed. That should tell us how debilitating depression is physically.

Later when you are stabilized, you can consider how long staying on medication is right for you. Sometimes it’s for a few months, maybe a few years, possibly for the rest of your life.

Second, therapy.

Deal with the shit you have been repressing your entire life. Take it out, look at it, and feel your feelings. The fear of dealing with it is far worse than actually dealing with it, I promise you.

You don’t have to lay on a couch for 40 years contemplating your belly button- that’s ridiculous. Try a large and regular dose of self compassion.

When you are good and sick of your own story, possibly try coaching. Coaching works because it teaches you good mental health hygiene.

Learn what your triggers are. For me, I don’t watch the news- it’s a distorted view of the world- focusing on the negative and magnifying it to astronomical proportions. Our nervous systems are not made to handle the details of every single heinous atrocity committed on every corner of the globe.

I make sure I eat well and sleep enough. I don’t hang out with people that treat me badly or make me doubt my sanity- even if they are family.

I protect my energy like the queen guards the crown jewels and I infuse my life with positivity.

Put together a box where you put in a note of every single thing you remember that makes you happy. When you are depressed, you can’t remember what makes you feel better so have something readily available. Have a happy playlist. Learn to detach from painful thought patterns that create suffering. Practice random acts of kindness, read good news, cuddle with pets, go for a walk, spend time in the sunshine for vitamin D, make yourself go to gatherings where you feel loved.

Don’t retreat. Keep involving yourself in life.

Do things that feed your spirit.

Most of all, treat depression as the serious disorder that it is. Medicate it if you need to and don’t be ashamed of it. You are not weak or ungrateful.

I’ll never forget when I went on medication and I was doing some self shaming about “needing” it. I asked my sister what people did before anti-depressants, and she said, “They drank, Keisha. Take the meds.”

Guest post by Keisha Gallegos

Robin Williams….

August 16, 2014featured, homepagechoices, courage, depression, depression awareness, end gender violence, fear, freedom, frustration, gender based violence, gender violence, hopelessness, Robin Williams, suicide, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

It is amazing how profoundly touched I have been by the death of Robin Williams.

Yes, he was brilliant, funny and an amazing man who touched many….but he was a person just like you and me.

Beyond the sadness of his loss is a pain in my heart because I KNOW the desperation he felt as he stood in his depression on the precipice of life and death.

For those who have never stood on that ledge, the tragic concept to end ones life is horrible yet it seems so rational to those of us who have teetered on that cliff.

There is an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and the option of death appears to be a choice of true freedom.

It’s a decision of surrendering. We have put up a good fight, but now have no more fight in us to keep going.

It is a black or white option, torment or peace.

Unfortunately, millions of people in the world who suffer from depression understand too well what he may have felt in the final hours and moments of his life.

My heart aches today for those who loved him but also for the millions of souls who stand alone on the precipice each and every day.

Please, if you suffer from depression, know that there are options.

It sometimes can be hard to take even the smallest step towards help but even the small step can bring you closer to a better way of life.

#depressionawareness

PS: If someone you know or love struggles with depression, do not dismiss them. Listen, love and help.

When the nasty “Know It All” person rears their ugly head, be very targeted in your response….

August 2, 2014featured, homepagean empowered no, best, choices, Compassion, courage, end gender violence, fear, frustration, gender based violence, gender violence, giving a eulogy, letting go of negative, life lessons, respect, right action, right speech, right you, rise above, shine brightly, standing your ground, truthful speech, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

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Allow me to set the stage.

A couple weeks ago I buried my father.

I had the highest honor at the funeral to have delivered his eulogy.

It was, BY FAR, the most important speech I had ever and will ever make in my whole life.

I wrote and rewrote and edited and practiced and was generally very anxious about the whole day, but especially that I would do the greatest job I had ever done as a public speaker.

I wanted to rely on my memory but I choose to bring up the iPad and I stuck to the script because I was afraid I would lose my composure.

A dear friend had advised me that the eulogy should educate the congregation about the greatness of my father.

I spoke to my siblings and I spoke to his friends and to many young people that he had mentored and I composed my poetry on my Dad.

During the delivery, I spoke clearly, pausing to breathe and to allow the words to flutter like and angel’s wings over my family and dear friends who were in attendance.

I managed to get through almost 97% of it before my voice cracked and the tears began to flow.

Almost everyone came up or called up to tell me what a beautiful honoring I had done for my father.

Ok Dear Reader,

The stage has been set.

Fast forward to the actual night of the funeral. My siblings and children and nephews and mother are gathered in the humble living room in Trinidad and a friend of my mother comes to visit.

She walks in, loudly announcing that she has spent the whole day in church and has just offered up prayers for my mother.

THEN, she looks at me…

“Indrani,” she says loud and clear, “the eulogy was lovely BUT you should have said how devoted and loving your father was to your mother.”

The WHOLE room of people fell silent.

Everyone is now looking at ME, for my reaction.

Let me remind you Dear Reader, that the funeral would have been less than 8 hours prior and we were all still raw and in pain.

My sister, God bless her, sits upright from a slouched and relaxed position and says, “I MUST DISAGREE WITH YOU. You clearly did not hear the beginning when MY sister talked about their marriage of 62 years!”

The “nasty know it all” woman began to defend her position…she REALLY DID begin to defend her position!

If I wouldn’t have been so pissed I would have been laughing.

I then spoke up in a LOUD and VERY CLEAR VOICE.

And this is what I said….

“I have had many comments on the eulogy and everyone has said how lovely and honoring it was. I must tell YOU, you are the ONLY critic. I MUST give YOU a prize for the honor of being the sole critic.”

I then arose from the sofa, I walked to the dining room table and I picked up a piece of crumpled paper and I PRESENTED it to her.

I said, “THIS is your prize. Congratulations for criticizing the eulogy I spoke at my Dad’s funeral.”

Dear reader of this blog post, YOU should have seen the look on her face.

She could NOT believe that I was indeed defending myself against her attack.

She scampered out of my childhood home as fast as she could.

The lesson of this blog is this…

DO NOT allow nasty people to hijack your beautiful brain. Bring out the big response, stand on your sacred honor and let your brilliance fly.

Love and light,

Indrani

My Father, the Ninja…..

July 16, 2014featured, homepagebe present, best, celebrate life, child, children, choices, Compassion, dad, family, father, letting go, life, life lessons, love others, love yourself, parenting, parents, teach your children, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

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When I hear the word Ninja, I think of a person who is stealthy, nimble and agile and uses the forces of his opponents to his advantage.

He only fights when necessary, and then too, only to defend himself or his family, or to right a terrible wrong.

My father is a Ninja.

He never let on to any of his three children how difficult it was to put food on the table. He never allowed us to suffer the stigma of “poverty” and always found ways to provide what we needed to succeed as students and young people. He encouraged all of our friends to visit, sleep over (often in drunken hazes when we were teenagers) and never once do I remember him lecturing or making us feel like losers for our immature behaviors.

He always led with love and followed with well placed stories with metaphorical lessons that somehow always made sense.

As my father lays in a sedated coma due to a severe stroke, we his children are left to remember the greatness of the Ninja skills he wielded so magnificently and we are left to wonder IF we managed to become the adults he always believed we could be and if we told him we loved him and showed it as much as we could.

I am so grateful that he never considered that his daughters be married off at young ages so that he would be relieved of our care.

He always stressed as much education as we were capable of and never wavered in his belief in our abilities to become fully functioning members of society.

I read about fathers and mothers who sell children into prostitution as a solution to bring money to the family. I cannot even imagine what my father would say to theses practices.

I read about parents dragging their girls out of school so that they can take care of the house and the younger siblings. I cannot even imagine what my Ninja father would say about that.

I cannot imagine lots of atrocities that I hear about fathers around the world. I am grateful that I had a DAD who would have given his last ounce of blood to keep his children safe and secure.

My father was a Ninja and as he sleeps in his coma, I can only hope that his dreams are of better times with me in Texas, where he loved to be.

He loved to go to the giant grocery stores and to buy what he wanted and came home to cook it for me and my children.

He loved driving my son to elementary school almost 25 miles away from home while I took care of a new baby.

He loved to go to Target and to be able to buy whatever his heart desired and it always desired very little.

If he had two pairs of pants, it was enough.

If he had four, he would say something like, “but I can only wear one pair at a time while I wash the other one.”

He was not a hoarder of material goods. He spent wisely and knew the value of a dollar.

My Ninja father taught me so very much and most of all he taught me the value of the relationship between Father and Daughter.

A bond that should never be taken lightly.

A bond that sets up the girl for a life of happiness or dread.

A bond that cements the way a girl feels about men.

My father, the Ninja, is my everything.

He is and will always be my hero.

Dad,
As you sleep know that I respect what you have taught me and I hope to continue to make you proud.

Love and light,
Indrani
Daughter of Ralph Augustine Nathu.

Tell your fears….NOT TODAY

May 31, 2014featured, homepagebalance, be present, best, choices, conquer your fear, courage, execute your dreams, fear, gender based violence, gender violence, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

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“Fear is a habit, I am not afraid.” ~Aung San Souci

Click on the image below to find out if I let my fear stop me from walking this cantilever bridge….

Arrivals and departures…..

December 11, 2013featured, homepagean empowered no, awareness, balance, be present, best, choices, courage, energy, gender based violence, gender violence, give to others, give to yourself, how to say no, inner peace, invest your energy, journey, letting go of negative, love, love others, love yourself, respect, right action, right you, saying no, self love, self respect, standing your ground, travel, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

I have JUST returned from a LONG journey.

I have been on the road for almost 18 days and my body felt the effects of always being UP and AWARE and OPEN.

I need some time to be DOWN and INTROSPECTIVE and CLOSED.

I need to be closed to the outer world and open to me.

What happens when we to give too much to others?

We have less to keep for ourselves.

We must strike a never ending balance to the outer and the inner world.

This Holiday season makes giving the norm.

I ask you to save some of the giving for yourself.

Save some of the awareness of what others need for being aware of what you need.

It may mean saying a NO to yet another gathering.

It may mean saying YES to being still and listening to the aches and pains of your body.

ONLY you can decide this.

Take some time to sort out where you are investing your precious energy.

Love and light,

Indrani

Total recall…or false memories

December 4, 2013featured, homepageabuse, be present, being judged, best, child abuse, choices, courage, do not judge, domestic violence, doubt, false memories, gender based violence, gender violence, Joy, letting go of negative, memories, respect, right action, right speech, right you, self doubt, self respect, standing your ground, truth, truthful speech, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

There is a new movie out called Total Recall. I have not seen it and this is not a commentary on that movie.

Rather, this is about what we remember and what we choose to forget.

I know for a fact that three people will have three different interpretations for any particular event. They may get the facts right, like who married whom, but their memories of the service and wedding will be different.

I am wondering if what I remember is really what happened or could I have been convinced that I remembered wrongly?
People are quick to interrupt us and tell us how “it really happened.” I have been witness to many a marital fight that was based on who remembered “correctly.”

How have my memories been changed/affected by what others tell me?

When a child reports abuse and is told that it did not take place, how do they reconcile the feedback vs. the facts. When someone tells you that you were “rude” such and such a time and you don’t remember it that way, what do you do with the information? When an abused woman tells her mother-in-law that she is being beaten, will the mother-in-law believe? And how will that change the intensity of the woman’s memory in the moment?

Do you ever doubt your own memories?
Have you ever been challenged on your memories and have you felt like you are losing your mind?
By this I mean, you really, with absolute clarity, recall some event, only to be set upon by others, hell bent on changing your mind.

I don’t mean the give and take that happens between good friends, or people teasing you. I mean the mean-spirited verbiage that can erupt when you least expect it. I believe that people attack our memories when the memory makes them uncomfortable. Of course, I have no empirical proof of this statement…it is simply an intuition that I have having lived for more than 58 years.

Will they try to talk us out of our memory if it was a favorable memory to them?

Do you ever talk people out of a memory they have of you?
What would you hear if you asked a TRUSTED friend about something you both experienced together?
Would you be surprised at what they remembered? Would you be happy or upset?

Would you think that they judged you?

Would you judge them or yourself based on their recollection?

I have found that memories are like water….they slip away quietly but leave evidence of having been there.
I am oftentimes surprised by the amount of time I waste trying to wrestle a memory from its hiding place.
When this happens, it usually means that I am trying to “build a case” to prove something in the present.
I have come to loathe “case building.”
I hate when I do it and I despise when someone does it to me.

So, the next time you remember something, ask yourself these helpful questions:

Will this help me to navigate what’s happening in the present?
Why do I feel the need to unearth this memory now? Will it be a joyful experience?
If it will bring me pain, what can I learn from the pain that I haven’t already learned?

Life is but a series of memories…make sweet ones.

Love & light,

Indrani

Indrani’s Light Foundation

Supporting Advocates to Support Others

Tag Archives: vulnerability

Men need to become better leaders…and as a man this is terrifying

My friend Ray and the lesson of black tape…..

One simple act…..

Suffering from depression? This might help…..

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

Robin Williams….

When the nasty “Know It All” person rears their ugly head, be very targeted in your response….

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

My Father, the Ninja…..

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My father was a Ninja and as he sleeps in his coma, I can only hope that his dreams are of better times with me in Texas, where he loved to be.

Tell your fears….NOT TODAY

Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!

“Fear is a habit, I am not afraid.” ~Aung San Souci

Arrivals and departures…..

Total recall…or false memories

Give to Indrani’s Light Foundation

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

*Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

My father was a Ninja and as he sleeps in his coma, I can only hope that his dreams are of better times with me in Texas, where he loved to be.

**Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

“Fear is a habit, I am not afraid.” ~Aung San Souci

Give to Indrani’s Light Foundation

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