Tag Archives: vulnerability

PTSD or PTG?

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African-American-woman-meditating1We all know that PTSD means Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but do you know what PTG means?
PTG is Post Traumatic Growth.
There is much evidence that there can be growth from trauma.
No one would choose to be traumatized.
Trauma is an uninvited visitor and some people turn it into amazing gifts.
These people describe their lives as before the (fill in the blank) and after.
They seem to be able to excavate the experience and come up with the most amazing insights.

I recently attended a Women and Power Conference and met many such women.
There was Loung Ung whose parents were executed by the Kymer Rouge. Loung was forced to be a child soldier and has now written three books and has returned to Cambodia more than 30 times to promote human rights and justice. You can learn about her at www.loungung.com

Then I was mesmerized by Ubaka Hill, who was raped starting at a very young age and has turned to music and drumming to promote healing and community building.
You can journey with her at www.ubakahilldrumsong.com

These women are JUST like you and me. Trauma found them and they found ways to self heal and to heal their respective communities.

I was an abused child and now I devote my life to help victims of Domestic Violence because by helping the mom I can help the child who has been abused or witnessed abuse.

I am no one special. My trauma gave me my super power of compassion and empathy.
My trauma made me special….the trauma that I did not invite.

I know that you too have had trauma that was UNinvited.
Will you talk to a professional about the best way to move through your pain and then will you step into PTG?

The growth is in there…and it wants to come out.
Love and light,

Indrani

Are you a fence post?

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santa-rosa-fence-post via themartinfencepost.blogspotA few months ago I was at a program at Kripalu and while on a walk one morning I observed some people building a fence.

That in of itself was not a big deal, except for the tool that was used to set the fence post.

It looked like a metal hat that fit over the top of the post and was used the push the post into the ground so it would be as sturdy as possible.

I immediately thought about women who were beaten down by others into being submissive and “put in their place” so the family system could be supported, whether the system was healthy or not.

I imagined that every time a woman or girl was told to be silent about rape or other abuse, that she was like that fence post, rammed on the head to be quiet and stay silent so that the status quo could be maintained.

I imagined that every time a woman decided that it was better to suffer in silence than shed light on the inhumane treatment she was receiving at home, that she was the one who banged herself into submission.

I imagined that she saw herself as the post and the tool. Maybe the thinking is that she better not rock the post or the whole system will come crashing down and everyone will blame her.

These musings are of course my own imaginings and I could be very wrong.

 

I have no answers about why women accept abuse and why they don’t speak up the very first time it happens.

Perhaps if one of you reading this has been silent in the past, the image of being bashed over the head as if you are a fence post might help you to speak up and take action.

If you don’t speak up now…then perhaps you will in the not so distant future.

My hope is that you eventually protect yourself and protect the children who may be witnessing the abuse.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

What would you do?

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Answer me, oh my love, just what sin have I been guilty of?blame-on-women via spirit21.co.uk
Won’t you tell me where I’ve lost your love?
Please answer me sweetheart….so goes the first verse of an old song by Nat King Cole.
I grew up with this song….I can hear my father crooning the words along with the radio and I remember thinking that my Dad was such a great singer.

These words popped into my head, quite suddenly, as I was pondering how to start writing about a violent interaction I recently witnessed at Union Station in NYC.

I was walking along, happy that my legs were carrying me and that my eyes were still amazed at the sights around me.

Then my ears heard loud shouting and screaming. The voice belonged to a man and I began to look around to see if I could possibly be in the line of fire.

Then I saw her, SHE was in the line of fire, not me. She was pushed up against a fence, his face was pushed up fiercely against her face, and she was cowering and trying to squirm away.

THEN he drew his head back as if he were cocking a gun and he let the SPIT fly from his mouth right into her face.

She was stunned!
She tried to wipe it off, but his face was once again smashed up against hers and she could barely get her fingers between the faces to wipe off the spit bullets.

I am barely 5 foot 1 inch tall….man, did I wish I were a six footer and young so that I would have felt strong enough to pull him off of her.
I thought, “This is definitely NOT What Would You Do, and there is no John Quinones to come out and allay my fears for this girl.”
I felt helpless.

After a few more well chosen words, he huffed and puffed away.

She finished wiping her face and pushed the baby stroller in front of her. The innocent was still asleep.
I hurried along side of her and begged her to let me help.

I offered to walk with her, to take her somewhere, asked what could do to help.

She kept shaking her head from side to side, saying a shame-filled, non-verbal NO as her tears began to flow.

I cannot stop thinking about her.

Where is she? Did he kill her? Is the baby safe? Did she finally decide to leave him?

SHE is not the only one in such horrendous situations. SHE is EVERYWHERE!
Are you one of those women?
Are you being tormented by someone who used to love you?
Is he telling you that he still loves you and that this is entirely your fault?
Do you believe those lies?

Have you lost your will to fight anymore?
Do you feel worthless?
Do you sit and wonder what you can do to win back his love?

I encourage you to put your last pieces of energy into learning to love yourself.

Even if you feel that you are not worthy of love, try to find a friendly ear to talk to so that you can get some of those dark feelings out.

No one should have to live with violence, whether it is sexual, verbal or physical!

Some people have told me that my definition of abuse is too broad, I disagree.
I believe an abusive action is ANYTHING that makes you feel unsafe and fearful.
If people cannot control their anger and blame you for THEIR explosion, that is pure BS!
We are all PERSONALLY responsible for self regulation!
They are responsible for their inappropriate behaviors and you are responsible for your safety and happiness.

If you cannot even think what to do next, please call a shelter close to you. There are many support groups ready to help you find some answers.
Please do not seek help from your friends who accept abuse themselves.
Do not let anyone tell you “it’s not so bad.”

Seek help from qualified people.
Often it is better to go outside the family to get objective advice.
Telling the abuser’s mother that you are scared of her son will do you little good, she is HIS mother. You need to find objective support.

Be safe.

Love and light,
Indrani

All WE need is SELF LOVE….

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self love via thebalancedlifeonlineI will respect myself without your permission.

I will respect my work.

I will seek counsel from trusted advisors.

My work will be my life message.

My life will reflect my beliefs and values.

My values will be visible to ME at all times.

I will respect myself at equal or higher levels than I respect any others.

I expect equal levels of respect from all I meet.

I will not make excuses for my activism.

I will support myself with all of my resources.

I am whole and I am unique.

When faced with your doubt I will not accept it as my own.

When faced with my own doubt I will meet it with love, not fear.

My work is grounded in love.

My love fuels my drive.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Words matter…..

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Coming out of Zumba today, a woman my age looks at me and says, “One day I am going to be able to move like that 25 year old teacher.”

I say, “One day I will not be able to move as well as I do today.”

She looks at me and says, “Oh God, I need to appreciate what I can do today!”

Positive Psych in the house!

 

Please watch the video below. How would you describe yourself? Feel free to post your response in the comment section below.

Do you see yourself as other see you?

Are you your own worst critic?

Dove

De-friending fear…

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Oh how Facebook has reduced us to junior high feelings all over again.

online drama via living.msnThose feelings weren’t that great the first time around. Now they are possibly worse because, on top of the same old teenage insecurities floating to the surface we have that feeling that OMG, really, I am a grown adult and am so emotionally involved in who is my friend or not on Facebook.

REALLY? Grow up!

The inner monologue goes something like this:
Will you be my friend?
Did you like my post?
Why did not you like my photo?
Why didn’t you comment on my post on your wall?
How come you didn’t Facebook me?

The inner voice is louder now: “What’s wrong with me that you do not want to be my friend or like the shit I post?”

Any of these statements ring true to you?

I shake my head in wonder of myself.
I recently had to de-friend someone who I thought was my friend but who did not act like my friend.

My finger hovered over the button to click as I planned on de-friending that person.
Oh the shame to de-friend….
The shame that I did not want to be their friend.
The shame that I was being mean or I was acting like a bitch.
The shame I would hurt their feelings.
The shame that as much as they wanted to be my friend…..I did not want them to be mine.
But the shame is that other person did not respect me, my rules, terms, conditions or non-conditions (as the case may be) of being MY friend.

Why should we feel shame de-friending someone who is not being a friend.

I click “de-friend”. I did it.

Oh the guilt. I have been de-friended and I know what it feels like to be de-friended. It’s like HEY I thought we were friends what the HELL is wrong with you to de-friend me? What did I do wrong?
Oh the guilt, will they call, text or email me asking me why? What will I say?
The guilt if I made someone feel less of a person because I did not want to be their friend.

It is amazing how this thing called Facebook can evoke these and so many emotions.
There is my Facebook friending insecurities rant.

Now I have one less friend….so friend me, I have a spot to fill!

Lessons from Olga…..

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She wouldn’t accept my offer of a bracelet.
She wouldn’t let me make a crown for her.
She refused to come closer.
She was one of the 200 or so students in one of the orphanages that my clown group visited.

There I was sitting on a step, making crowns from pipe cleaners.  The kids were lined up for their crowns….girls, boys, small, big, some young and some older.

I am not sure when she decided to come closer, but there she was and ready for a crown.
I crafted her crown carefully and with an extra dose of gratitude for trusting that I would not harm her.

When the pipe cleaners were finished, I started making beaded bracelets for everyone. I made hers first and she carefully selected her beads from the small baggies that sat precipitously on my lap. As the kids realized that something new was being given, they quickly swarmed and began demanding their bracelet. She became my helper and as kids requested the color of beads, “rojo, verde, azul, blanco”. She quietly and efficiently fished the correct bead from the baggie and gave it to me to thread on the multi-colored string.

I hugged her and said, “Adios” and thanked her for her help. She smiled and her eyes twinkled.

The magic of this connection was that she did not know if she cared to connect or even if she trusted me. I did not base my success that morning on whether or not she would accept my gifts. I was there, loving and giving without thought as to what her role should or ought to be.

Should she be grateful that I had come all the way from America to visit that orphanage?
Should she care that I had spent money on these pipe cleaners and the baggie of beads?
No!
Her only job was to be herself.
My job was to be loving and present and joyful.
We both did our jobs well.

Now if only I can remember to practice this giving of myself in a pure and unattached way. A way that says, I am here for you, if you’d like to come closer.
A way that allows me to KNOW that chasing you or begging you or demanding of you to be a certain way is just unacceptable.
A way that tells me you are responsible for whom and what you accept from me.
A way that shows me to stay true to me and allow you to stay true to you and hope that in our separate trueness we can still share love, peace and harmony.

Thanks Olga, for these big lessons.
I will hold your smile in my heart forever.
May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be free.

Love and light,
Indrani

OBEY….

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Such a small word….yet, so many hidden consequences.

I do not know if modern wedding vows still tell a woman to obey her husband…this always bothered me.
Who decided that “certain” groups should OBEY certain other groups?
Children should obey their parents, even when the parent says to NOT tell the truth about sexual abuse within the family?
Wives should obey husbands, even when they are being instructed to do demeaning and sub-human activities? Or being treated like a slave, not receiving any respect or shown any kindness?

When abuse is taking place within a family system, this concept of OBEY becomes extremely problematic.
Should we obey to the point of emotional death?
Should atrocious acts against our person be allowed to continue because our Holy texts admonish us to OBEY?
Should we continue to accept the truck loads of blame dumped on to us because standing up to the in-house bullies will be seen as treason and disobedience?
Is keeping the family secrets more important than treating ourselves with love and kindness?

These are questions we must all answer for ourselves.

I hope you chose to treat yourself with kindness and respect even if those with whom you live refuse to give you the time of day except when they yell, shout and berate you.

It takes great courage to look at your tear stained face in the mirror and say to yourself, “No more will I accept this treatment, these hateful words and this constant barrage upon my soul.”

May you be blessed with courage, vast and strong.
May you be blessed with compassion for yourself.
May you be filled with self empathy and self resilience.
May your heart be free of all past burdens.

Love and light,
Indrani

Follow the leader….

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Follow the leader….

I have always liked to be the leader, to be the big dog, to set the example.  I have been this way for my entire life.

During my climb of Mt. Kilimanjaro I had to learn to accept that I could not be the leader.  Altitude sickness affected my climb from the start.  I was forced by my physical abilities to be at the end of the line.  I could not set the pace.  I could not inspire others to follow.  I could only trail behind others… which is an unusual position for me to be in.

As I followed, it was my ego that hurt more than my oxygen-starved body.
I wanted to say:
– I can carry my own back pack.
– I can step up to the challenge.
– I can do it myself.

But I could not.

I was forced to follow.

I accepted my back-of-the-pack position.  I watched and I learned.

I watched the guides.  Where were they stepping?  They stepped where they knew the footing was firm. I learned and stepped where they did. I moved easier.
How fast were they hiking?  They knew the trick was “pole, pole”, slowly, slowly.  I learned to move slowly and deliberately.
It was not my job to encourage the team…it was their job and I accepted their encouragement for myself.

Too many times I think people with “type A” personalities put themselves into leadership positions out of habit… when in fact, if us “A’s” could step back and follow more often we could learn a lot from those in front.

Now that I am off of the mountain and not in such an extreme environment, it will be interesting to see if I can step back and let someone else lead and try to learn from their example.

Can you think of situations when you should have followed?
And, next time do you have the courage to let someone else lead?

Take your OWN pulse…

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Have you ever embarked on a training regimen where you were required to stop every so often to take your pulse?
Why do you think the trainer or teacher makes you do this?
Well…it’s a heart health thing, right?

There are ranges of the pulse that are healthy and ranges that are not. When your pulse is too high it can be unsafe to continue whatever you are doing and you must STOP and rest…maybe even sit down for a while until the pulse levels off.

I believe that we also have an energetic pulse. The energetic pulse takes its cue from our surroundings and how we feel about what is going on around us. If I walk into a room and everyone is silent, they may be mad at each other or they may be in silent meditation. One feels different from the other. One environment feels cold and charged and the other feels calm and peaceful. If you grew up within a religion that teaches “meditation is a way to let the devil in” then you may be afraid to be in that space even though it is peaceful. On the other hand, if you grew up with chaos and screaming and ‘The Silent Treatment’ was always being doled out, it may feel familiar and comfortable and you may not even care about the coldness in the room.

Each one of us brings our own interpretation to every event we encounter. Our interpretations have been informed by our past experiences, and they in turn, inform our assessments of the situation.

We must learn to take our energy pulse and ask ourselves what we are feeling, where we are feeling and how these feelings are playing a role in the situation.

Let me give you a simple example:
I walk into a room and someone is there. They are reading and they look up and nod their head.
I can interpret that many ways.
I can feel ignored that they did not say hi.
I can feel good that they nodded and recognized me.
I can be upset that they did not jump off the sofa and embrace me.
I can be grateful that they are giving me space to calm down after a long day.

All of the above are possibilities. How I decide what to feel is based on my past experience.
If I grew up with extroverts who were always hugging and chattering then the silence would seem odd to me and I might be upset. If I grew up with introverts, then I may feel quite comfortable and have no issue with it.

If we begin to take our own pulses and investigate what the energy means, we may be able to come to more peaceful interpretations of the circumstances we find ourselves in. We may just give ourselves a break and that could be really great for our hearts.

Love and light
Indrani