Tag Archives: vulnerability

Is school making your child crazy?

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Is school making your child crazy?

“The purpose of school should be to prepare kids for the rest of their lives, but too often what kids need to be prepared for is surviving the school day itself.” Susan Cain, QUIET

For the parent of a child who is being bullied, the above quote must be especially poignant…that is, if you are lucky enough to be told that they are being bullied. This blog is not about bullying but about being SHY and being ashamed of being shy.

Dr. Brene Brown tells us that shame says “I am bad.”
If a child has learned to be ashamed of being shy and is cajoled or taunted to be more outgoing, this child may feel that being shy is so bad that their existence is useless.

I feel that many shy children feel invisible. They know they have the right answers, but are afraid to put their hands up and speak out loud in the classroom. They cannot get full marks on any report card because a grade is being given for “class participation”. Many want to participate and when they work one-on-one they can have exciting
conversations, but in a group they freeze.

Telling this child to be something other than what they really are will not make them change. As parents and educators we have to learn how to work with the introversion so that the child can feel pride about their ability to be reflective, and introspective. We have to show them that their minds works differently and beautifully and show them how to find ways to be a part of the group, but in a way that feels safe to them.

“The truth is that many schools are designed for extroverts,” says Susan Cain.
So what do we do as parents and advocates for our introverted kids?
“When encouraging shy children to speak…it helps to make the topic so compelling that they forget their inhibitions.”

As parents and educators we can take sincere interests in the activities of the introverted child and use the love of those activities to encourage them to talk.

During the summer months, while kids are out if school, the time is right to begin the project of speaking up and out in the safety of one’s home.
These skills are important, if only to be able to tell others to stop bullying them. Being able to speak up for ones emotional health is  skill that we must teach our children. They are the future leaders.

In the May 21st, 2012 issue of Fortune Magazine, Doug Conant, the former Campbell Soup CEO gives some great advice.

He says:
1. “Don’t change who you are…people are not mind readers- you need to let them know if you are shy.”
2. “Say what’s on your mind…I’ve met so many leaders who realize that telling your colleagues something that is on your mind is so much easier than keeping it in.”
3. “Know who you work with…You might just find that you have introverts embedded within your organization who are natural-born leaders.”
4. “Find alone time…Introverts get more energy by having quiet time, compared with extroverts who find energy by being around people.”

This advice from Mr. Conant shows that introverts in the work force have a lot to contribute, and as parents/educators of these future leaders we owe it to them to prepare them for their whole lives…a life full of other people and challenges beyond those of childhood.

I hope you take up this project, it is well worth it.

Love and light,
Indrani

I always wanted a cape…

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No, I never wanted a cape of wool, cashmere, or mink.
I want a cape that shimmers in the face of wrong doing.
I want a cape that shines in the instance of injustice.
I want cape colored bright in a dark world of harm.
I want a super hero’s cape!

Instead?

I got a nose.

Donned with the red nose of a clown, I recently went to Guatemala to visit children and adults who were in hospitals and institutions.
A red nose is hardly something that gives a person super powers by any means.

But that red nose gave me:
-The power to look beyond the grim, sad cinder block buildings that housed people who lived beyond the fringe of society and poverty.
-The power to face my own fears of reaching out and touching and loving those suffering people who needed love.
-The power to laugh, dance and be silly in dismal conditions to raise up a smile in a person that seemed impossible to reach as they were trapped in their ill mind.
-The power to put my judgments, preconceived notions and ignorance aside to be genuine and to look at others with love.

I want to challenge you to be someone’s super hero. No, I don’t want you to travel to far and distant places or leap tall buildings in a single bound.

What can you use as your cape to give you the power to drop your fears and judgments and to reach out to people who could use love, understanding and compassion in your life?

Kay Walten

When I say NO… Do you hear MAYBE?

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A case study in Nonviolent communication.

I just got a call from a charity for Breast Cancer Research asking for
a little something for underprivileged women.
This is how it began:
Me …Hello
Them…Is the lady of the house there?
Me…Who’s calling?

Note that I did not say… Oh yes, I am the lady of the house…

Them… This is so and so and we serve women who cannot…..

Me… I support breast cancer research and will not be able to support
your organization.

Them…Please do not draw the line, these women cannot pay their rent….etc

Now I am pissed, she did not hear my NO.
But then I think of the book Nonviolent Communication that I have
been devouring and I think, oh what a great time to use it here.

So I quickly do:
O
F
N
R

O- observe what is happening.

F- feel my feelings… I knew that I was feeling irritated and I
started down a road of “if she only knew how much I donate”… Then I stopped
myself.

N- What are my needs and what are her needs? She needs me to give her
money and I need to be true to my established charity budget and not go over
that amount.

R- What request am I going to make based on MY needs?

So let’s return to the conversation

Them…Please don’t draw the line….
Me…Amanda, I support Breast Cancer research and I am NOT going to
give anything more at this moment.

My voice was clear and precise and very purposeful.
She heard it and responded.

Them… Oh, thanks for supporting Breast Cancer.
Me… You are welcome.

Here’s what I did:
I knew my NO.
I knew why I was saying NO.
I did not let myself get caught up in the story of her population, not
out of not caring for them but out of a very caring place for me and
where I put my charity dollars. I really believe that I am doing what
I can do and I will do more when I decide it is time to do more.

If you go back up to the top of the post you will see many little
things that could have derailed me…
-Request for a little something
-The story of who needs the help
-Her telling me that I have drawn a line

NONE of those things matter when you are standing on solid ground.
This makes me sound like a right winger. I am neither a left winger
nor a right winger. I am simply following the plan that I set out at
the beginning of the year before the charities had a chance to get to
my emotions.

Emotions have a big role in what we give and who we give to BUT giving
has to support the bigger picture and must come from the heart.

This lesson is especially true for your energy. Money is easier to
find than energy.

A dear friend, Gretchen Pisano (www.soundingboardink.com) taught me
this past week that we all have units of energy and we must manage our
energy, not just our time and I am adding not just our other resources.

When people make requests of you that involve energy expenditures, you
have to use:

O… Observe what is happening without evaluating… You will know if
you are evaluating if words like should and must pop into your
mind/conversation.

Here are some examples of observations and evaluations from Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg
1. John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.
2. My father is a good man
3. Pam was first in line every day this week.
What was an observation VS evaluation here?

F…knowing what we are feeling and expressing what we are feeling.
I realized rather quickly after she said ” drawing a line” that I was
getting irritated, and I could have spoken instead to “how dare you
tell me I am drawing a line blah, blah, blah” but I just FELT the
feelings and then asked myself what I wanted for me…what is my
request of me, not of her? I could wish that no one hits me up for
money anymore, but I can only be in charge of what I will do when it
does happen.

Here are examples from Rosenberg about statements of feelings
1. I feel like hitting you.
2. I feel good about what you did for me.
3. You’re disgusting.
What is a feeling VS a non-feeling here?

N…knowing what you need is taking responsibility for your feelings.
In my case with Amanda, I was irritated because I had an unmet need
for HER to know that I am generous and that I do not draw lines around
charity giving. I am very purposeful and give quite freely. In this
case, Amanda’s job was to get my money. My job was not to keep it from
her but for ME to KNOW what I was willing to do and not do. I met my
need for acknowledgement of generosity by telling myself that I was
generous and by communicating it to her very purposefully.

Here are some examples of needs from Rosenberg… Remember a need is
taking responsibility for YOUR feelings.
1. I feel frustrated when you come late.
2. I feel disappointed that you said you would do it and you did not.
3. I feel scared when you raise your voice.
Which of the above statements takes responsibility for their own feelings?

R…request of others in order to enrich life for us…Rosenberg
In this case vague language will not help clarify the situation… E.g.
you know Amanda, I kinda give a lot and I feel so bad and I don’t know
what to do because…
This language does not serve me. Being clear and requesting what I
want is called for here. I could have said “I do not want you to ask me for a donation”, but I chose to focus on saying what I do and
saying what I was not going to do.
I also did not use a negative as in “I won’t give to you” I used a
positive as in “I give generously already”.

Here are some examples of requesting statements that are very clear
and not so clear.
1. I want you to understand me.
2. I want you to stop drinking.
3. I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.
Which statements are clear VS vague?

This way of communicating is not easy, as we have been taught to
use language to onshore what we truly feel. This way we won’t feel
vulnerable.
A brilliant woman, Brene Brown tells us that vulnerability is the key to
being who we are and getting what we want from life.
Hear her Vulnerability TED talk here.

I also recommend that you read
Nonviolent Communication.

If you are having judgments of whether I should have given in to the
charity that is a whole other conversation called a moralistic
judgment. You can have a VALUE of charity giving, but when you start
judging others on HOW much and how often they SHOULD give, then we are
getting on our moral high horse.

Love and light
Indrani

Daring to question the regular-ness of life…

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When time is non linear…it is super sweet.
I just spent 8 days with 25 strangers.
After 8 days a normal person would not expect to know more than a few
of these people and, not very well.
I have known people for far longer than 8 days and still feel like I do not know them at all. I have limited and shallow conversations with them and am relieved when we part. I am sure they feel much the same. It is funny how we humans can hide behind social masks and cultural “SHOULD” masks that make it easy to remain invisible. Marshall B. Rosenberg says that “should” is a violent word. I agree. All of the “shoulding” I have done on myself and on others has only brought me pain and distance and has contributed to my being invisible.

Staying invisible to most of the world makes it safe for me. Often
times when I take risks and show my vulnerabilities to those I think I
can trust leaves me really regretting the risk I took.
Something as simple as needing to tell someone that I am sad and need
to cry can, and often does, bring out the fear in them that makes them
strike back with a “oh for God’s sake, get over it. Others have it so much worse”.

But on this clown trip to Guatemala I took risks with strangers. I
took risks with being vulnerable. I told strangers that I loved them
and I really meant it. They accepted it without hesitation.
I cried within the safety of the circle and they accepted it without
judgment. How freeing that felt to be held in safety and non judgment.
Instead of words during an intense hour of sharing, I chose to walk
around the circle and share energy by looking into their eyes as I
send good wishes of peace and love. Everyone chose to look back at my
soul and accept my love.

How can this happen in so short a time?
Why can we not have safety and acceptance from those closest and dearest to us?
What are we so afraid of?

I am afraid that I will be judged and labeled.
I have been labeled in the past as “too emotional” which only meant that I wore my heart on my sleeve and that I dared to show my vulnerabilities.
So now, my heart remains hidden and I play the social game and everyone seems to be so much happier for it.

But am I?
Am I happier to be locked away and closed off for fear of being labeled?

Questions, too many to list.
Answers, too few at this moment.

I have learned to be happy with questions because they make me curious about
the plethora of responses waiting in my heart.

I invite you to question all the facets of your life and be quiet in
the safety of the questions.
Do not grasp for answers. They are there and they will find you.
Your job is to keep questioning.
Be grateful that YOU CAN dare to question your life and world.
Questions are the essence of all new discoveries.
Questions belong to those of us who are awake.
Awaken and question.
Dream and question.
Live your life and watch the answers unfold right in front of your eyes.

Love and light,
Indrani

No laughing matter

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If you have never been to a 12 step meeting (as I am certainly new to it all), the last thing you would expect is laughing. 

To the unknowing you would expect tears, sobbing, dismay, anger, sadness, frustration or anguish.  The last thing you would think to expect is laughing.  You would think that addiction, codependency, habits, hurts and hang-ups are no laughing matter and they are something serious that should not be joked about.  But there is laughter….

Laughter is not just for happiness.

Laughter can be a great coping mechanism. Laughter can be a sign of nervousness or stress.

 

In the meeting we laugh. We make gentle jokes about ourselves or our challenges to lessen the weight of the issue.

We laugh at sometimes the ridiculousness of our behaviors when we take a moment to look at them for what they are.

We laugh at the circumstance.

We laugh at ourselves.

We laugh with each other, not at each other.

We laugh in knowing we have done the same damn thing as the person sharing her story.

We laugh because we have let similar circumstances bring out the same feelings.

 

Laughter makes the unbearable bearable.

I think laughter is a sign of courage.

Shame thy name is FEAR and PAIN

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I have had the great fortune of being immersed in the teachings of Dr. Brene Brown (see her on TED.com here)

The work that we are doing is focused on shame and guilt.

Dr. Brown’s work on SHAME can be found in her book I Thought It Was Just Me. I recommend it, HIGHLY. Until you get the chance to read it, here is what I have learned in just one day.

Shame says I AM BAD.

Guilt says I DID A BAD THING.

Her definition of shame is: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

Dr. Brown says that “we all have shame; we just don’t talk about it”. According to Dr. Brown, people who can be resilient to shame are those who “can get to language fastest”.

What does this mean? Let me try to explain. Shame is felt in the part of the brain that has no language. Language comes from the logical side of the brain. When a person tries to describe shame they have to create a bridge from the emotions they feel and the language to describe what they are feeling. Her suggestion is to NAME it.

Feel it Name it.

So it goes something like this: I organized a Flash Mob in my town and many people signed up. A blogger decided that I “could be a cult” and he pasted that in his blog. When I found out about it, I felt shamed. I felt shamed because I thought I was stupid for organizing it. I had thoughts like “who do you think you are to do this?”, “you are too old to be doing stuff like this”.

Lucky for me, I was able to talk it through with someone dear to me and I was able to let it go.

Notice I said someone DEAR. It MUST be someone who has EARNED the right to receive your deepest hurts. It cannot be a person who is self-absorbed, or someone who always tells you their troubles are bigger than yours. 

You must be able to say something like: “I am hurting and this is how I am feeling”. Your trusted person must be able to hold space for your pain, without trying to solve it or minimize it. When you are in shame, Dr. Brown says that “you are not fit for human consumption”. She also says “do not go to your children until you have processed it”.

How do you process it? Feel it Name it.

This topic is heavy and it may make you uncomfortable. 

If our society does not learn to deal with shame, we will continue to do what we have done, and get what we’ve always got.  I did not come up with that catchy phrase myself and I do not remember who said it, but that does not make it any less relevant.

Are you ready to do some work around Shame? Read Dr. Brown’s book…I Thought It Was Just Me.. and begin to become Shame Resilient.

 

Love and light from Indrani

Vulnerability is not a bottomless pit…

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Rather it is a very shallow pool of very cold water…. Means you are in discomfort for only a short while. If you stay with the feeling of being vulnerable long enough, your body temp begins to warm up your surroundings.  Pretty  soon you are back to your normal level of courage BUT you have grown from the challenge,  instead of pushing the feeling away and always living under the thought

“OH  NO what if this happens again, what will I do?”

If it happens again, you will know what to do because you did not run from the lesson the last time around.

Let me give you an example:

Let’s say someone asks you a question about an element of your work or expertise and you do not know the answer.

You can BS your way thru and you can make up some good theory and say “PHEW that’s over ”

OR

You can say…

” Let me get back to you about this because I do not have that answer at the tip of my fingers…” and show that even YOU an expert in your field can admit to not have all the answers.

If I choose the BS route and avoid the vulnerable feeling THEN I have to remember exactly what BS I used the next time this same thing comes up or I run the risk of not only being vulnerable but being inauthentic and flaky.

Showing vulnerability in one area does not make you devoid of smarts in all other areas.  If you have thoughts like, what if I admit to not knowing, will they think I am ignorant in all other areas? They will not UNLESS you first broadcast that kind of energy.

Nothing erodes self confidence quicker than inauthenticity.

How would you take one step into your vulnerability?

You really have to KNOW what vulnerability feels like to you.

Where in your body do you feel the stirrings or the bashing over the head of vulnerability?

Being aware of what your body does in the midst of feeling vulnerable is the very first step towards making vulnerability your friend.

You have to become aware of your own self and your own reactions.This takes a little time to do some SELF research.

S…specificity…with the feelings awhile. Take notes about the feelings, keep a vulnerability journal, but write in it as a court reporter would, be a CSI of your own body.

E…examine…what your body is doing. As you journal, be very specific with all the physical feelings that you are experiencing and try not to judge them. Try not to call any of the feelings STUPID or try not to say “I Should Know Better”.

L…letting the feelings be investigated with real curiosity. Bring infinite curiosity to your physical feelings. Unpack them as eagerly and as slowly as you would open a gift from Tiffanys.

F…firm up your resolve to NOT run away from the moment. Just like you would not think of throwing that lovely piece of jewelry from Tiffanys into the discard pile, do not discard the intense level of KNOWING that you are feeling.

Then stand in your authentic vulnerability instead of the inauthenticity of feeling invulnerable to the trials and tribulations of this very human existence.

If you can befriend vulnerability, the world is your oyster and the pearls are the incidents that you used to stump your toe upon.