Tag Archives: you

Words from a SURVIVOR….

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My DEAR friend Emily Anne Webber and I just had a great conversation about how abused people feel. We recorded it and there was so much goodness that I wanted to share the recording with YOU!

She has learned how to LAUGH and BE HAPPY.

YOU CAN TOO.

Give it a listen and please pass along to anyone who could benefit from these words:

Love & light,

Indrani

 

 

emilyselfgrowthEmily and I will be doing a summer call series called ASK THE SURVIVOR. You can send in questions about abuse, surviving abuse, living with an abuser, etc and she will answer. She has so much to share.

Stay tuned for more information on our Ask the Survivor Summer Series!

For more information on Emily, please visit here.

Tell your fears….NOT TODAY

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“Fear is a habit, I am not afraid.” ~Aung San Souci

Click on the image below to find out if I let my fear stop me from walking this cantilever bridge….

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Counteracting the internal predator…being supportive to self.

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70620889.Y2hPFqyeWe all have internal voices that regale us with how many things we do wrong.

This voice seems to take great pleasure in rendering us helpless in the face of challenge.

It happily reminds us about all the things we failed to finish. It shifts and disrupts the ground from under our feet with all the things we can’t do.

If we believe these internal onslaughts, we remain tightly wrapped and bound by our failures instead of being able to open up those failures and glean the lessons in each.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in Women Who Run with Wolves tells us we can “dismantle the assaults of the natural predator by taking to heart and working with what is truthful in what the predator says and discarding the rest.”

If my internal predator says “you are so wasteful, you have so much fabric and never finish any quilts”…I can calmly tell myself that I have made and finished more that 12 quilts and each child has at least two quilts handmade completely by me.

This example is quite tame. It can happen, however that my internal predator can tell me something like:

“Oh, so you think you are so special and want to end Gender Violence? Well missy….YOU have been yelling at people all your life. You even yelled at someone last week! Who are you to think you can do this?”

I will then have to have the presence of mind to remind myself that I am human and while I still do yell, I am trying to stay calm in situations and to treat others as I want to treat myself.

If I can do these exercises with my OWN internal predator, then I have a fighting chance to speak MY truth in the face of an external predator.  The person who wants to abuse me physically, emotionally or verbally is an example of an external predator, whereas, an internal predator is the negative voice that tries to bring me down.

The external predators can do serious damage to my psyche and if I do not develop the internal muscles against my internal predators then I have very little chance of standing up to external predators.

Estes tells us that we can “dismantle our predator by maintaining our intuitions and instincts and by resisting the predator’s seductions.”

How do you hone your instincts when the world is ready to tell you that what you feel is false and that your instincts are stupid?

The only answer is that YOU must believe in YOU!

You have to be courageous enough to know that you have deep understandings about life.

You can sit in prayer or mediation and recall times in your life when you did listen to your instincts and were happy because you did.

Like any skill, listening to your instincts is a muscle you must build up.

You must have patience, and practice on little things.

For example, if someone asks you to do something, instead of answering from your head, take a few minutes to notice the way your body is reacting to the request.

Do you feel happy and joyful, or heavy and dark when you think of the request?

Only you will be able to read the signs that your body give you.

Then, you have to be courageous enough to follow your natural instincts.

This may mean that you have to say NO to things you used to say YES to.

I know someone who recently told her boyfriend that she would no longer take part in orgy sex. She was very scared to do it and felt he would leave her if she refused. Whenever she had done it in the past, she felt dirty and less worthy but he always told her that she was the prettiest one in the room. She so badly wanted to hold on to him, she continued with behaviors that left her feeling empty and nauseous.

When she finally decided to stop the orgy sex, she delivered her decision and he promptly left her. He found someone who would do exactly what he told her to do.

It took her a while to recover but now she is happy that she found the courage to end that part of her life.

She had to get used to a new normal. A life without big lavish parties…but now she has her life and her body and self worth.

When you decide to counteract the internal predator it will mean that you must get used to a new normal.

Give yourself time to craft the new way.

Give yourself a pat on the back every time you kick the internal predator to the curb.
Love and light,
Indrani

Transactional or relational…what kind of relationship do you want?

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downloadA while ago, while listening to Barack Obama, I heard him describe a relationship (not with Michelle) as one that was solidly transactional and polite.

He knew and understood exactly what kind of relationship that was. The way I understood it was that when things were discussed he did not say things like ” that FEELS great, or that MAKES me HAPPY.”

Emotions were OUT of this equation and both parties understood that.

To put the transactional relationship out into the light, think Pretty Women. It started out as a transaction and then she wants a relationship. It took him a while but eventually the arrangement changed.

I have read that successful pimps prey on young women and start off with the lure of a relationship, then when the young girls think they have a real boyfriend…..the pimps beat them, rape them and turn the arrangement into the transaction it was always meant to be.

I have been thinking about marriage and have been wondering if perhaps the high rates of divorce might be due to the fact that we do not know the difference between transaction and relation based relationships.

A wife who complains that her husband is always at work, travels too much and is never available is complaining that the relationship is suffering. The man may be very confused as he is providing a house and cars and lifestyle and does not understand what she wants from him. He is seeing the transactional side of the arrangement.

How can people on two different sides move towards the center?

I think a good place to start is with shared filling in the blanks of “What’s missing here?”

If the wife says her piece and says that time with husband is missing and intimacy and friendship it is a start.

If the husband says nothing is missing and he is happy at work and just wants to be the provider, there is an insight into the size of the divide.

I knew of a couple who went on vacation once, and while he played golf everyday she drank and sat by the pool.

She did NOT want to spend more time with him and HE was happy with that arrangement. They saw each other the same amount of time while on vacation as they did at home.

The only difference is that they slept in a hotel room.

This transactional vacation worked for them, he bought the vacation package and she used it.

We don’t get to complain about the type of arrangement we have if we are not courageous enough to open it up and ask questions.
If you are in a relationship that feels like it needs to be changed, ask “What’s missing for me here?”

Journal about this question as many times as you need to. Look at your answers.

Make a list of the things that are missing.

Then begin to see what YOU can provide for yourself.

This may not be the answer you want, but when you can provide the elements of life you want for yourself than you can begin to fill in the other elements with your partner.

Love and light,
Indrani

Researcher or Drama Queen….

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dcbf965b004317b524a5cda135406191I was having a lovely discussion with a very dear friend the other night and I heard her say, “Am I just a drama queen?”

I listened to her words and I listened to her heart and I listened to all the words she and I have spoken over some 6 years.

I tried to look for Drama Queen, but I could not find it.

What I did hear was a woman who was so brilliant that she chooses to unwind her life, experience by experience, to look at it.

She turns over events so as to uncover the deeper truths and meanings behind the things she chooses to do and those things in which she chooses to not do.

Our conversation brought to mind a passage I had just read in Women Who Run with Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

“Three things differentiate living from the soul versus living from the ego only. They are the ability to sense and learn new ways, the tenacity to ride a rough road and the patience to learn deep love over time. The ego, however, has a penchant and proclivity to avoid learning. Patience is not the ego’s strong suit.”

Yes, dear, dear friend, you are fully aligned with your souls’ purpose when you question and turn over and question yet again, the events and lessons that life has given to you.

You do me the honor of speaking aloud your truths, even as you dive for deeper more resounding tidbits.

I am honored to be the one whose ears are privy to such gifts from your soul.

The next time any of us get branded as a drama queen, ask yourself this….

Am I just complaining for the sake of complaining, to wrench some pity from an unsuspecting someone OR I am being a true scientist and researcher by turning over each bit of evidence, patiently waiting to see the truth underneath.

If you do indeed feel like a drama queen, just say it out loud and proud… I am a drama queen, hear ye, hear ye, all my subjects…. and watch people scatter like flies!

Or maybe you can choose to be an inquisitive scientist and look for evidence that your life is taking you exactly where you want to be taken.

You see, it is really just a choice…YOUR choice.
Love and light,
Indrani

What stinks?

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via Sourpuss-Jenny-Erickson-S.-ExchangeEver walk into a room and instantly notice that something smells?  Stale smoke, mold, mildew. A habit like smoking lingers…so even if you are not the smoker and you are breathing the smoke second hand, you can be effected.  The toxins stick.

Toxic people and situations stick to stuff.

Abuse not only affects the victim and those who may be witnesses but as a party several degrees removed, you still can sense the anger and fear. Perhaps it is a broken lamp, a noticeable bruise or wound, a torn piece of clothing, a broken window…the violence now affects you.  You may feel scared, fearful, and angry at the perpetrator. You find yourself walking on egg shells in a play that has ended but the signs are still there.  Now you have the toxins.

The toxins of verbal abuse resonate beyond the fight.  A husband and wife argue. The wife saturated with the toxins of her husband’s venom then pushes those toxins out to her children. You are at the playground or school and you see the kids now fighting using the same words they heard at home, the name calling, the demeaning talk.  Now those toxins from the original argument have affected those who are unaware of the verbal toxins of the home. Now they have affected innocent people outside of the original dumping ground.

We expose ourselves to third party toxins from events, habits, situations we never knew existed but we walk away changed and not for the good.  Some of those toxins may even trigger dormant hurts from our past like shame, fear, and helplessness.   We have to rely on our sixth sense, our intuition or our gut to remove ourselves from these poisons so that we do not suffer or get injured.

Have you ever been in a room where you could feel the tension and you know something just happened?  Have you felt the shame as someone calls another worthless, and you take on that shame as if it was your own?

We need to listen to our intuition to save us from the ugly toxins that surround us.  Do you have the courage to walk away in these situations?

You have permission to be FULL OF SELF….

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images via changeyourenergyWhen I was growing up in Trinidad, I used to hear older people telling younger people (mainly younger girls) that “they were too full of themselves.”

Often times that phrase was followed by a swift beating…a lesson that would serve to “put you back in your place.”

I accepted it as truth, that women should NOT be full of self. That being full of self was boasting and bragging and evil and only the Devil made one do that.

I have CHANGED my mind!

Today, I am FULL OF SELF!

It took a lot of hard work to kick the old beliefs to the curb and watch the bus run over them and kill them in front if my eyes.
I began to change my mind when I began to believe that my gifts and talents were worthy of being shown.
I decided to stop hiding my light under a basket.

Lights and skills and talents need to be placed on high to do the best good.
What good is knowing how to sing and only singing to oneself?
What good is knowing how to lead and never taking the reins as the leader?

In case you were waiting for someone to give you permission to be Full of Self… I’m giving it to you now.

Go forth and be Full of your BEST SELF!

Will people say that you are bragging? Maybe.
Will people say you should be less in their face? Maybe.

The bigger question is…
What will you say to the talents and gifts that have been patiently waiting in the shadows?
Will you ask them to be quiet for another year or two or ten?

What if you ONLY have a few years left?

The truth is this. None of us know how much time we have left so we MUST use all that we have to make this world a better place.
One of my favorite quotes is from Erma Bombeck.

“When I stand before God at the end of my days, I want to say, I have nothing left I used it all.”

I want this to be my utterance also.

I invite you to use all your gifts and talents, start TODAY!

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Practice the successes… not the failures

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concentrate via wellnessonlineA few weeks ago in the NY Times, I read an article on how Olympians use imagery to practice their jumps, runs and plays.

One of the team psychologists, Nicole Dietling said, “In images, it is absolutely crucial that you don’t fail. You are training those muscles and if you train those muscles to fail that is not where you really want to be. So one of the things I will do is if they fail in the image, we stop, rewind and replay again and again and again.”

I think that we can use this technique for creating the quality of life we expect for ourselves. We cannot use imagery to change another’s behaviors but we can use imagery to change our own behaviors.

Let’s say for example, that you have a teenager that drives you batty. You have tried everything you know and still the two of you end up in screaming and shouting matches.

YOU can use imagery to change the behaviors you want to change in yourself.

If you wish to NOT be in a shouting match, you can use imagery to bring up a fight that recurs with your child and when you SEE yourself losing it, STOP and rewind to the beginning of the fight and imagine yourself using a different behavior.

The sports psychologists who teach imagery teach that the athletes must see, feel, smell, hear and taste the entire scenario. So an athlete will be able to conjure up the wind in their face, the taste of the air, the smells of the venue, etc.

Similarly, you can use imagery to see which areas of contention get to you the most with the teenager.

You can begin to change your reactions to the child and control where the conversation will go.

When I had teenagers, I hated that I would often fall into the very shouting match I so desperately wanted to avoid.

I wish I would have known about imagery back then.

I think as parents we need to use every tool we have at our disposal to teach our children how to be calm and controlled adults and when we lose it, we just teach them that we have a lot of learning to do.

Let’s try to utilize all the techniques that are proven so we can model great parenting for our children. After all, most of us want grand kids and do we want our children yelling at our grand kids the way we are yelling at them?

I hope this helps the next time you feel that you are losing it, but it will ONLY help if you practice using imagery when you are not in the midst of the crisis.
Love and light,
Indrani

Some suitcases look just like yours….

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please check luggage carefully…and some lives look just like what you thought you wanted. Open carefully and give back when necessary.

Recently, on a domestic trip, I grabbed the wrong suitcase from the luggage carousel and went to my hotel room.
The suitcase looked exactly like mine until I gave a closer look.

When I tried to open it, I saw that a zip tie had been used to secure the zippers.
Odd, I thought, but I just called down to Guest Services and they sent someone with a pair of scissors.

When the hotel staff member arrived he offered to also cut off the luggage tag and I told him, “Sure, go ahead.” How nice of him.

So now, I did not have the tag to check the name on the suitcase.

I laid the suitcase on the floor and then saw the “heavy” tag which, again, I thought was odd….I did not think it was that heavy. Perhaps I am just really strong!

Then I saw that the outer lining that protected the zipper was torn but I knew that my lining was perfect when I left home.

I opened the suitcase, MY suitcase, and WHOA……
A man’s belt and men’s shoes.
I slammed the suitcase SHUT and immediately called the airline.
I admitted my error, jumped into a taxi and WHEW, my suitcase was patiently waiting and I made the exchange.

The only question I asked was this, “Was the owner of this bag coming home? Did he at least get to go to a home stocked with lots of extra clothes?” She said, “Yes, this is home for him.” The airline person DID NOT even ask for my ID! It was clear to her from the whole story that the suitcase was indeed mine!

How can I turn this into a life lesson?

It took a night’s sleep for the lesson to form. Here goes!
Suppose that the suitcase represented a LIFE that I knowingly signed up for.
So let’s suppose marriage and being a married woman was the lot that was chosen.
How would I know IF the type of marriage (suitcase) was the kind that I signed up for?
I would have to live with the marriage for a while and see how it suited my values and desires.
I would do my best and be my best and respect my husband as I would hope he would respect me.

Suppose that I began to see signs of “Umm, this seems ODD.”
Much like the few times I thought ODD when I further inspected the luggage that was not mine.
I might begin to see that the “fabric” of my soul was being torn and ripped; much like the lining of the bag that I noticed was torn.
I might say, “Whoa, I came into this union whole and complete with good values and morals but now I see things that I did not see before.”
Perhaps, my spouse begins to cheat and get drunk and come home being belligerent. Perhaps, I keep making excuses and deny what I am seeing….a sign that things need to be addressed.

Next, I might be told that “women in this family do not __________.” This could be anything from talking to people outside the family or having to wear certain clothing, to not even showing your face when visitors arrive at your home.

I may continue to think… ODD, this is not the kind of restricted life for which I entered into legal contract!
Like the zip tie that I saw on the zippers that I did not put there, I may have again, not paid in depth attention to the first signs of a shrinking and bound life.

How about the “Heavy” sticker that I saw on the suitcase that was not mine? I may not realize that my feelings of self worth seem to be gone and my heart is heavy with grief. I may again, decide to ignore the signs that things are not what I want for my life.

Until, I take the time to actually OPEN the marriage and LOOK inside, I may NOT realize that what I am seeing is NOT what I want to have in my life.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in “Women Who Run with Wolves” tells us that women who must break from a life that is not what they envisioned must “be able to see and STAND what they see.”

Able to See and Stand what you see!

What a powerful thought.

As far as the suitcase goes, I saw and I clearly understood that IT was not mine and I returned it.

In an abusive marriage, the woman MUST be able to open up her eyes and SEE very clearly that THIS ABUSE is NOT what she had agreed to and that she has been fooled.

Can she STAND to see the truth to save herself?

Please do not think that I am equating an abusive marriage with as simple a thing as a suitcase, I am not. I am only trying to tell you a story that would open up a few new windows in your soul, should you have to make a hard decision about your marriage or any relationship.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes also tells us that a woman MUST be able to answer a few questions and be ok with the responses.
One of these questions is, “What do I know deep in my ovarios that I wished I did not know?”
She refers to ovarios as the mythological part of the women that carries deep wisdom, where the seeds of knowledge are stored.

Life is not as easy as returning a suitcase that belongs to someone else.
It does not have to be as horrific as living with an abuser or predator either.
The choice is that of the one being abused.
The abused MUST be able to stand what she is seeing and make plans to save her life.
The abuser is NOT the one with the internal power.
The ABUSED has the internal power and she has to be willing to look into the darkness and see what only SHE can see.

Be brave and be strong and ASK for help.
Love and light,
Indrani

Who is YOUR tribe?

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group via istockphotoTribe.  There have been a lot of articles in the past year about finding your tribe or being part of a tribe.   I thought about it and pondered as to who my tribe really is.  So I put it out there on Facebook and asked:  

 What tips do you have in finding a tribe?  

And 13 people offered up tips and insights.  All of which are interesting….

Crystal: Acceptance, kindness, respect, honesty, non-judgment, unconditional love….or at least the attempt.

Jeanine:  Remember in Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle, he talked about a “karats?” a loose-knit group of roughly 16 people you associate with your entire life? I always liked that idea.

Russell: If you meditate every day you will eventually find yourself in a wonderful tribe without having sought. Don’t limit yourself to your own imagination.

Me:  What makes up our tribe? Our FB friends, the people we work with, our family? Are we members of many tribes at the same time all in a quest to have a sense of belonging?

Brenda: You’ll have to explain the tribe you’re seeking. I’m finding my tribe is showing up the more I have personal growth.

Beulah: My tribe is almost completely made up of women…sisters, all whether by birth or fortune. I couldn’t survive without them.

Sherri: Those who connect to your soul…the deepest part of you. You know them. Just let it happen. I’m doing just that myself. It is amazing who is in your tribe led by the higher power. You will find them without looking. The ones who speak to your soul. Your tribe. Tribes are connected at the soul. No matter what their outer thoughts. Thoughts are only judgments good or bad. The soul will find the souls that are connected with you. There are no prerequisites of how the body and mind of the soul lives. Those are human conditions of the mind, just my opinion and that in itself is a judgment as are all thoughts.

Gary: Your tribe is the circle of friends that are close to you…the circle can be small or large; it doesn’t matter about the size. What matters is that your hearts and souls connect.

Stacy: Members of my tribe must eat and drink similar to me. A basic common need we have in share. Also an openness to share differences and withhold judgment.

Greg:  Listen, and pray, and watch. If you ask for your Tribe to find you, they will!

Happy:  Okay, my personal thoughts on this. I think we live many lives. In these lives a core of people always shows up, in different people that we are in contact with, i.e., my mom and I were together many different times. Once I was the mom, once we were friends….at one time we were twin sisters…I believe my tribe are these people. People you are drawn to, I feel that I have recently met several kindred souls on FB…it is a very good way to bring people together, if it’s used as that tool. And when we finish our lessons here on Earth, we all transcend and we are joined Beyond. The same thing, I feel about people who you immediately dislike. These people have done harm to you in the past, and you meet them again, to learn, to forgive, and move on. This is what I think your tribe is… You already know many of them. They are the people you love most deeply, and unconditionally.

Brenda:  My tribe is almost everyone and everything. In some way they make the circle complete. My son’s teachers, my employees, my animals, my family, my neighbors, my community, complete strangers, FB friends, nature and so on. It is all different levels of my tribe… but it is a tribe for me.

Jeanie: my thoughts … our tribe needs to be open and flexible everyday … yes, our closest loved ones will always be in our inner circle, but we are all imperfect people and will disappoint each other from time to time and won’t be there for the other when and how we need it at times. We need to forgive others, forgive ourselves, try to remain humble and accepting and realize what to hold onto and let go of each and every day. A stranger can be part of your tribe, even if for a moment, because in that moment – they are exactly what you need. When we struggle, it can be a very good and important time in our lives even if it’s painful ~ that’s when we grow the most.

Margarita: Decency and a good heart is the price of admission to my tribe. Anyone with that is in.

 

I would love to know your thoughts on tribes. Anything to share?