All posts by Indrani Goradia

The UN stage….

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UntitledThere was a time when I would have readily accepted that “people like like me” don’t belong on global and powerful platforms such as the UN stage.

There was absolutely nothing in my background that would have prepared me to think that I was worthy of this honor or to belong to this exclusive club. “Spoke at the UN” is indeed beyond my wildest dreams.

What right do I have to claim such esteemed membership?

I received this right from the other clubs to  which I  belong.

I belong to the club of the abused. I belong to the club of the oppressed.

I also belong to the club of the women who said NO MORE. 

The club of domestic abuse ends in my lifetime…. the club of claw and scratch your way out of stinking thinking and claiming a life of joy and peace.

These are the foundations upon which I stand to celebrate the new club membership that I have earned.

I urge you to begin to name the clubs to which you have belonged and to begin to lay the foundations for and build the bridges to the clubs you wish to join.

I should tell you that I never dreamed of being in the UN club and that is ok. You see, I was laying these foundations as I strove for other memberships such as:

  • The club of women over 50 who do Olympic distance triathlons and come last and have the nerve to still feel pride.
  • The club of 2 marathons the year I turned 50 and several half marathons in the ensuing years.
  • The club of founders for a non profit.
  • The club of motivator and encourager of all I meet.

So it is with this beneath me and behind me that I urge you to gain membership to new clubs. These memberships will require hard work. The price of admission will often seem to steep. In times of such stress, take a break, take a breath AND continue to strive. The membership is worth the effort.

Let us all belong to the club called “I too took a chance.”

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Click here to watch Indrani address the United Nations.

How important is it to you?

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gloves via cocoparisienne on PixabayRecently I was on a flight to an important business meeting. I was very organized and even brought my lunch from home so I would have a healthy choice.

I made it easy on myself, I packed the food in disposable containers and put it in its own bag so I could throw away the whole thing when I was done.

Things went very well, I ate a little, took a little nap and then ate some more. The attendant came around and I pushed the trash into the rolling cart myself.

Then, I had a thought… did I throw my telephone away in the food bag?

I reached under the seat, dragged my purse out and searched every nook and cranny on the inside.

No phone.

I sat back and took a deep breath.

What was my next step?

Well, that’s easy, go thru the trash!

I walked to the back of the plane and told the attendants my dilemma and they gave me some gloves and I got busy.

I dived into the rolling cart of trash.

I was so happy to have the gloves and to have had the presence of mind to look for my phone while I was still on the flight.

I looked thoroughly. I did not find it.

I had to rethink… if it’s not in the trash then I must not have searched my purse very carefully.

So I walked back to my seat and emptied my whole purse and there, in a very hidden pocket, I found it. I smiled!

Let me tell you what was great about this event:

1.  I never, not even once, called myself a name!
2.  I never spoke disparagingly about myself to the attendants!
3.  I never once complained about having to dig in the trash!

As I sat in my seat being grateful for the positive outcome I realized that there were hidden lessons in this experience.

What if we could identify the very important things in life that we lose, the VERY moment that we lose them? What if, we could arm ourselves with what we need, like gloves for trash diving, and we could happily get the work done?

We would get the work done because we would know that it was too important to lose.

The first time we lose our self respect, we go looking for it and not rest until we figured out what happened.

The first time we disrespected a child by screaming or physically abusing, we would stop and apologize and get help to treat them better in the future.

We would not blame them for our inability to be mature adults.

If we could really look at life and what we lose everyday the way we look at our prized possessions, we have a really great chance of keeping our humanity intact and we have a greater chance of keeping the relationships that are important to us.

Get those emotional gloves on and a start digging for the gifts you may have misplaced.

It’s your quality of life and it’s worth the effort.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Then there were two….

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I was speaking to a very dear friend the other day.

She said that she had 6 beautiful bowls that someone had given to her a long time ago.

The other day she noticed that there were only 3 and she realized that some of them were broken.

She felt happy that she had 3 left.

She began to tell her young daughter who had been helping with her dishes.

She turned away to do something and heard the awful sound…

CRASH!

She froze and realized that something had broken.

She did not know what it was. She turned to the sink full of dishes and saw her sweet daughter, shaking and fearful and she heard these words, “Sorry mom it was an accident, I did not mean it. Sorry mom.”

My dear friend said, “Now there are two.”

And then she smiled.

The worry on the daughter melted away and the mom showed her child how easy it was to show compassion and to to teach her child that mistakes can and will happen.

As my friend was telling me this story I saw the realization on her face that her child had been shaking because she fully expected to be yelled and screamed at.

My friend knew that she had been a teller and she had parented with anger in the past.

She also knew that she had been intentional in the way she had been parenting the past few years and that she had significantly changed the energy in the family.

She had been able to forge a deeper connection with her son and she had been showing her daughter what unconditional love really is.

Here, at this moment, it meant that she loved her daughter MORE than she ever could love those dishes.

She chose to NOT break her child.

She chose to parent with understanding and respect.

I have known this woman for a long time. I know how hard this woman has worked to get to a place of peace and tranquility.

I applaud her willingness to change the way she used to parent and to seek new ways and to know that she was doing the best for her kids.

Most people say, “My parents did it this way and I turned out ok.”

My view is why just settle for OK when we can be wiser and better than OK?

Let us thrive as parents and constantly better ourselves so we can raise a brighter generation. One that will know more than we will ever know and will be in charge of the welfare of our grandchildren.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Start where you are and continue your own path….

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Indrani - Marathon Finish at EpcotBetsy Rapoport is my friend and she is a an amazing coach for writers. I saw on Facebook where she was hosting a writing class…A Memoir writing class.

I have been longing to write my memoir. I know, I know, I don’t NEED a class…after all I write blogs and I just get an idea and begin to write, much like I am doing now.

Somehow though, when I think of writing a memoir I get all flummoxed and confused and I don’t know where to start.

So, when I saw her class offering, I jumped on it. I registered on line and I began to communicate with her about accommodations etc.

I was thrilled to get the homework list…I love homework.

And there… as I read the list, I laughed out loud.

Here is what was on the list:

  • What memoirs have you read, and what did you like about it?
  • What scares you about this class?
  • What excites you?
  • Send a sample of your writing, preferably a work in progress.

Simple enough, right? So why my outburst of laughter?

I immediately wrote an email to Betsy and it sounded a little like this…

Dear Betsy,

I have not completed a whole memoir of anyone, only bits a pieces from folks like

  • Mother Theresa
  • Nelson Mandela
  • Rosa Parks
  • Mahatma Gandhi

I tend to get bored!

I have read loads of other books. I love to read!

The thing that scares me about this class is that my life cannot fill a memoir.

The thing that excites me about this class is that my life is too much for one memoir.

I have NO unfinished works of writing, but I can start one.

Then I pressed Send.

I waited for Betsy to say something like, “you are not at all qualified for this memoir class” or “if you have not even read a whole memoir why would you expect anyone to read yours” or “perhaps you have nothing in progress because you are not a writer.”

Let me tell you why, IF she had said any of the above or worse, it would NOT have affected me in any way.

In 2003 I had decided to do an Olympic distance triathlon.

I began to search online for a trainer, one that would train a newbie triathlete and a rank beginner.

I finally found a web site that touted training beginners and  that looked promising.

I began to complete the on line form.

1. What distances do you currently swim? And how often do you swim?

My response:
I do not know how to swim competitively and I used to splash around in the pool with my kids when they were young. I know how not to drown. I have not been swimming in a very long time.

I should have added “I hate wearing a swim suit.”

2. What races have you participated in and what was your finish time?

My response:
I have not participated in any races so I do not have a finish time. I do not like to run. I like to walk a lot.

3. What cycling distances do you currently do and what is your average mph?

My response: 
I used to ride with my kids in the carrier seat about 18 years ago and still know how to ride a bike.

I figured they would see I know how to walk and I know how to ride a bike. I know many women my age who do not know how to ride bikes. I thought I was going to be just their type.

I pressed Send.

I got an e mail from someone at the site wanting to find out if I was serious about the Triathlon.  If I was why did I not insert the values they needed to create my program.
I assured them that those were indeed the facts and that I had ZERO numerical values to input.

I never heard from them again.

So I began to train on my own  and my dear friend Donna was my guide and helper and General ass kicker.

I began to walk slowly with Donna I would count the concrete squares on the path in my town to see how far I had walked.

Then one day I was able to run 5 concrete squares and then walk again.

I felt like calling the trainer to tell them how great I was doing.

I did not.

I bought a really nice bike and some of those clip in shoes and almost killed myself. I used to have to tip over onto the grass to try to get unclipped.

I got tired of falling so I went to spin class and practiced biking with my clip in shoes and also practiced clipping in and out…. but those were stationary bikes so I still almost killed myself when I began to practice on the real bike.

I tried to find a swim teacher who could teach beginners and got fired from about 3 teachers. One guy even took a video of me in the water and showed me what I looked like.

I looked like a spider, I had arms and legs all over the place.

That video was not pretty because I had this image of myself slicing thru water as I had seen Mark Spitz do in the Olympics.

Also I tried to wear cute swim suits with frills and decorations all over and was told that those suits would cause drag in the water. I knew what they knew… my unstreamlined body was causing drag in the water, not these three cute frills on the suit.

I did not give up.

I continued on my very unorthodox way of training.

Six months after attempting to engage the online trainer, I completed my Olympic Distance Triathlon.

I was dead last.

I never gave up.

In the hotel lobby that night, I heard a seasoned triathlete say, “man I got out of the lake, I got kicked in the face and got pissed off!”

I thought, man I never even thought of getting out of the lake and I wondered if I was the spider who had kicked him in the face.

Start where you are…. it’s your only choice.

See you at your finish line, I will be smiling and waiting for you, no matter how long it takes.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Scarcity or abundance…..

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candles-64177_1280I was visiting a very close relative a while back and the conversation turned to a favorite brand of candle she loves. I am always aware to bring some of those candles for her. She is in the winter of her life and a candle makes her happy.

The last time I brought candles, I had intentionally brought more than she could use in 8 months. I remember being in the store and purposefully filling the basket with more than I had ever purchased.

So, during my visit, as she is filling me in on the stories of her life, she says in a sheepish whisper “you forgot to bring more candles.”

I was quite shocked and thought for a few seconds that I had not sent the full compliment of the candles I had bought just a few months ago.

“You are out?” I asked.

She said, “Almost.”

I asked, “How many do you have?”

“A few.” she said.

I have history with this person and her inability to say the truth without having to twist it to serve her purpose.

“Few” is not a number.

I pressed, “How many do you have?”

She looked very uncomfortable and squirmed in her chair and said, “One big bottle and eight small ones.”

My first instinct was to lash out and say, “Why are you so greedy?!”

I did not.

Instead, I got up, went to the kitchen to get a glass of COLD water to calm down and then I went back to sit next to her.

I said, “I want to ask you a philosophical question.”

She asked what that word meant. I explained. She seemed to understand.

I began to ask her how she felt when she though she did not have enough candles for her immediate needs.

She answered as best she could and after a few more questions, she said
“I feel afraid that I don’t have enough.”

Then I explained the concept of scarcity and abundance. It took me about twenty minutes before she understood. I was not rushing her, I was not rushing myself. I had actually already accepted that she may not get it and that would have to be ok.

She did understand the concept. Then I said, “How might you feel if you BELIEVED that you had enough candles for your immediate needs?”

She said, “Well, if I use them all what about the rest of my life?”

I asked her “How long are you going to live?”

She said she did not know.

I said, “None of us know, we all just like to pretend that we do!”

So again, I asked about her how she would feel if she believed she had enough.

She said, “I would feel comfortable.”

I asked her to choose the believe in “enough and abundance” instead of “not enough and scarcity.”

She asked if I thought it would be wasting money.

I said, “I think it’s a waste of money to buy more stuff for you to STORE, instead of you using the STORES of stuff you already have. I could use that money for things that are immediately necessary instead of using it for stuff you already have.”

Dear Reader,

I do not know if she got the concept, I felt like I had done a good job of explaining and using an example with which she was familiar.

My question of you is this…

Do you get this concept?

Whether it’s as simple as candles or food or money?

Do you know when you have enough?

I invite you to look to your own life for your areas of not ENOUGHNESS!

If you are human, there will be many.

Take just ONE small area and do some inquiry around it.

Ask a friend to help you with the inquiry.

Ask a friend who LIVES in the abundant philosophy. You will know which one, they will be the ones who are happy and joyful and always ready to give to others.

Let me know how this goes for you in the comments below.

 
Love and light,
Indrani

Are you trading self-respect for fake protection?

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51kzKRuJCYL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_Self-respect is defined by Nathaniel Branden as “the conviction of our own value. It is not a delusion that we are perfect or superior to everyone else. It is not comparative or competitive at all it is the conviction that our life and well being are worth acting to support, protect and nurture, that we are good and worthwhile and deserving of the respect of others; and that our happiness and personal fulfillment are important enough to work for.”

When a woman is forced into a marriage that she does not want, when she is forced to birth more children than she desires or is forced into aborting fetuses that are the “wrong” gender, that is not respecting a woman.

Some of these issues are couched in cultural language that makes it seem iron clad for women to “behave certain ways and accept traditional roles.”

I would like to float the idea that NOTHING is iron clad and traditions had to start somewhere, so we can be brave enough to make new ones.

This kind of bravery can only sprout from deep and abiding self-respect, nothing short of consistent self awareness.

We cannot fall asleep to how we live our daily lives, make daily choices and then wonder why our self-respect is in shambles.

“To appreciate why our need for self-respect is so urgent, consider the following : To live successfully, we need to pursue and achieve values. To act appropriately, we need to value the beneficiary of our actions. Absent this conviction, we will not know how to take care of ourselves, protect our legitimate interests, satisfy our needs, or enjoy our own achievements.” Nathaniel Branden

I urge you to read, no, to devour, Six Pillars of Self Esteem. It is by far one of the best books that anyone who has received abuse or is presently receiving abuse can read. It will give you the language to demand the respect you need for yourself, the respect you will expect from others and the strength to say NO, I will not accept disrespect anymore.

Love and light,

Indrani

Self Responsibility…….

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sunset-401541_1280Self Responsibility… The “Philosophical Principle (that) entails ones acceptance of a profoundly moral idea. In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs.”

The above quote is from the book Six Pillars of Self – Esteem by Nathaniel Branden.

Can you take some time to read the above sentence out loud, maybe more than once.

When I first came across this sentence in the book, I was stopped in my tracks.

If the above is true, and it is, then all of us who have been abused in one form or another would KNOW without the shadow of a doubt that we were wronged.

We would not have to ask others for their opinion of whether we were enough wronged as to take swift action and demand justice.

The married woman who is forced to be a servant to her husband and in-laws would know that she is not there for their implicit or explicit exploitation. She would know that she had the right to say an empowered NO.

If she could accept that she will not be made into an unpaid servant, how might she approach marriage differently? Might she ask the intended in-laws how they expect to treat her? Might she tell her future husband that she will not be forced into a life of servitude and sexual slavery?

I really have no answers to these broad issues but I do know that we must empower women BEFORE marriage to ask harder questions than “do you have a job and where will we live?”

The college woman who is gang raped would know that she needs to report the crime as often as she needs to until something is done. She would have to find the courage to stand against the friend circle who will most likely accuse her of being disloyal and being short sighted about her reputation.

Where did I get these examples of what the friend circle might say? It comes directly from the report of the gang rape at a frat house on the UVA campus.

The 18 year old woman was made to question her loyalties. She was made to stay silent about the horror that was done to her body and her mind by silently suffering.

If we could get women, especially High School and college women, to respect themselves as much as they respect what their friends say, we might be able to bring more rapists to face the music.

Please do not think that I am putting the burden of this whole thing on the shoulders of the survivor of the rape, I am not. I am, however, sure that taking responsibility for extracting justice for a crime that was done is one of the most powerful ways to begin the long and arduous process of healing.

We cannot expect society to change without each individual taking a stand for what is no longer acceptable.

This is how we got rid of slavery.

This is how women got the vote.

This is how dictators fall.

It is only speaking up, as often as we can, and as loudly as we can, that will bring change. It will still be slow, but we can never. ever give up.

Ever.

Love and light,

Indrani

Violence IS NOT Par for the course….

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golf-83869_1280Let me explain to the best of my ability what the phrase “par for the course” means.

A golf course is comprised of 18 different “holes” and each hole has a number.

Golfers will always know which hole they hate the most. That would mean it’s the most difficult.

Levels of difficulty can vary from length from where the golfer begins each hole, called the TEE, to where the golfer needs to sink the putt, the green.

Often a golfer cannot even see the green from the tee. The configuration of the hole can include a huge hill, over which the golfer cannot see the green.  The layout can even include an angle and will completely obscure a certain portion of that green.

Each hole must be played according to the integrity of the hole and each golfer approaches their game in his or her own unique way.

The biggest thing I learned while watching the Masters was that the length of a hole was represented by the number that came after the word PAR.

So a Par 3 hole would be shorter in length, but still have as many challenges as a Par 5.

The number ideally means that a golfer can get from start to finish in the prescribed number of holes.

I say ideally because even on a Par 3 a golfer can have a heck of a time sinking his ball in 3 strokes.

The biggest eye opener for me was that a stroke of, let’s say 350 yards, was AS important and significant as the short stroke, called a putt, of 2 or 3 feet.

Anything can happen, and as I saw at the Masters a “sure thing” was often not so sure.

How does this game of golf and the distance of the strokes apply to women who are trying to escape from abuse or women who are simple trying to set a boundary?

The significance is this….

It DOES NOT matter if you take a small, seemingly insignificant action with an abuser like staying out of his way when he is gearing up to strike, or whether you take a huge step of calling the police and getting you and your family out of danger permanently. The most important thing to do is to take ONE step towards the life you want for yourself.

The golfer must have faith in their ability to take the breath and swing his arm with the club attached and then begin to walk to wherever the ball landed and do the same action all over again. Over and over and over. And always with a calm and peaceful demeanor.

What is par for the course of a life without violence?

This is a question that is unanswerable.

We do not know HOW MANY challenges life will throw our way. We do not know how many times we will have the take the same action, the same step with the same person until we can get it thru to them. That we will NOT under ANY circumstances accept any more acts of violence.

We are not in control of whether we contract a serious illness or if a loved one will meet with an accident. As I’m writing this, a dear friends nephew was just shot.

We ARE, however, in control of whether we will accept abuse.

If we all had a ZERO tolerance for accepting abuse, the first time a person did an abusive act would be the last, because we would say “Oh no, not with me, not ever.”

Take a breath.

Take your best stroke/step.

Repeat until you have the culture of peace you require for yourself.

Love and light,

Indrani

When in doubt….reach for your best self

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Image by Viktor Hanacek via PicJumbo

Image by Viktor Hanacek via PicJumbo

Often in life, (at least in mine) I find myself in the midst of a conversation that started off  nicely, turned a better corner and then BAM, something flies out of someone’s mouth that takes me out of my pre-frontal cortex.

What’s a Pre-frontal cortex you ask?

Well, it’s that part of the brain where language and executive function reside. When you are in your PFC, you are measured, you have the language you need at the ready, you can laugh at yourself and see things as not so personal, etc.

You do all of this and more, without even realizing all the smoothly excited dance moves you are making. It comes from a place of peace and groundedness.

When the PFC is hijacked, by an event such as physical abuse, or by mean spiritedness such as verbal or emotional abuse, the PFC goes offline. It’s like a total black out. You are left groping in the darkness without anything familiar to navigate your surroundings.

In this case it’s really very hard, almost super human, to reach for your best self.

You need some executive functioning to reach for your best self BUT the executive functions are no where to be found.

What to do?

I have seen myself make a bad situation worse, multiple times, by striking out as if my life depended on my response.

Almost as though I have my hands up and pleading for my life.

It feels that urgent….but it has never been that urgent.

I am fortunate that my life has never been threatened in real life, however, the life I have lived in my head sometimes feels like it is being threatened.

Those times, I now realize are the times when my PFC is offline.

I have been training myself to be quiet in those times.

I have been practicing silence in those times.

I offer my practice of silence to you and it needs to be followed up with introspection after the incident.

Introspection can take place with a coach, a therapist, a non-judgmental friend or with journaling.

Write down the incident as you remember using as much detail as you can.

Then also write down a measured response firmly standing in your PFC and replay the scene and SEE yourself delivering the measured response.

Notice if you feel like you want to have many responses, all of them from your best self.

Try this technique out in a few situations over the course of 30-45 days.

Then  begin to notice if there are certain people who are likely to hijack you.

Take note of who they are.

The next time you are with them, begin to notice how they are with others.

Do they pounce on others they way you feel they pounce on you?

Study these people like a private detective.

Begin to speak their words even before they say it (silently in your head).

I know a person who is so very oppositional that if they hear the sky is clear they will immediately try to prove the sky to be cloudy. They LOVE to rile people up….it’s their sport of choice.

When I am in such a situation I have started to say, “Nope, not playing this game today.”

Then I leave the room.

The first few times I did that my heart felt like it was trying to escape my chest.

I was sweating like I was running a marathon in 100 degree heat.

It took a while for me to TRAIN myself to deal with this person in these situations.

I am very good at it now.

Know that new behaviors take practice. You have to be patient with yourself. You have to practice in your head and out in real life.

Practicing in your head is like rehearsing for a part in a play. Your part, your play and YOU are writing the new script.

You know the famous William Shakespeare quote “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players.”

Play your part well. Write your own script.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

The importance of mentoring our young people.

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Portrait of Young Woman Holding Blank PlacardI recently attended a conference which was populated with amazing, young social entrepreneurs and people ready to make significant change in their world.

Young people concerned with food security for the most vulnerable on the planet, those concerned with helping adolescents with HIV Aids to live a full life and others still who were just looking for a cause.

Here is what I know for sure…

They all need a mentor, a guide who can listen to their thoughts, their visions and their big dreams.

I know this because I so desperately needed mentors through the various stages of my life.

I had great and supportive teachers in high school, in college and graduate school. Then I was in the work world and had no one to turn to for help with my career.

I did not even know what my skills were.

I had no idea what questions to ask or who to turn to for guidance.

As I was wrapping up my presentation from the stage at this conference I said, “I am 61 and I know what it’s like to be working in the dark. I know what it’s like to have a vision that no one else can understand and how easy it is to begin the toxic process of self doubt.”

I offered to be a mentor to those who needed one.

A few young women came up during the course of the weekend and asked me to mentor them and with each request my heart grew wider and warmer and I know what an honor it is to be the attentive ears for these future leaders.

My ask for you is to offer yourself to mentor others.

It does not matter how old or young you are, someone needs what you have.

When I was that small and beaten child in Trinidad, what I would have given to someone to have seen my pain and acknowledged it and given me some soft ears to speak my pain.

I know that it would have made my pain sting less.

Speak up.

Listen well.

Share your strengths.

 

Love & light,

Indrani