Rum Raisin Ice Cream is My Comfort Food

Blog, Domestic Violence, life, Uncategorized, women, , , ,

Rum-Raisin-Ice-Cream-Recipe-ImageI do not recall exactly when I discovered Rum Raisin Ice Cream. I think it was when I was living in New Jersey as a new bride and my husband brought it home from the store. I believe he said, “Taste this,” and he fed me a spoon of this nectar and I must have screamed and yelped, because he looked scared! (My brand of extroversion tends to be loud. I am often over the top in my enthusiasm and I tend to scare people).

So all these years of “sweet married life” later, my hubby will bring me rum raisin ice cream and I still squeal! Often times if we happen upon an ice cream store, he will ask for it on my behalf, while I am reading the favors on the wall.

I LOVE rum raisin ice cream. I also love RUM CAKE! I grew up on rum cake in Trinidad and whenever I think of the glorious cakes my mom used to make, I smile. My brother makes a great rum cake and this is what he gives me for Christmas every year.

Imagine MY absolute delight when I walked into “Neuhaus Company” the other day and saw that they had RUM CAKE ICE CREAM! (Yep! I squealed, in the store, on Madison Avenue, in Manhattan!). My extroversion is always ready to show its enthusiasm.

I was thinking… “Maybe it has raisins it in also!” So I asked for a taste. The sweet young man took a plastic spoon, smiled at me, reached into the appropriate bin and scooped out a HUGE taste. He ceremoniously reached over the tall counter and gave me the spoon. My eyes never left the bulging scoop of ice team balancing precariously on the edge of the tiny spoon. I carefully took it from his fingers and put it in my mouth as I closed my eyes….

And I ran to the trash and spat it out!
It was awful.
I did not like Rum Cake Ice cream at all!
I did not like it on a spoon. I would not like it on the moon.
I cannot tell you how much I disliked that ice cream.
I thanked the young man and bought some chocolates, which I loved, and ate one to get the taste of the rum Cake ice cream out of my mouth. Then as I walked down Madison into the cold and blustery day, I knew I had the makings of a blog post.

So here goes …..

Let us suppose that you meet a great looking guy and he is everything you wished for, and he seems to feel the same way about you. He made you feel safe, secure, protected, loved and cherished. You were all warm and fuzzy inside as you pondered a life with this man.

Then one day, as you two are having a lovely day, out of the clear BLUE …. He hits you, or verbally berates you, and you are stunned!

You look at him and he seems the same, his features are the same, his voice sounds the same but the flavor of human coming out of his mouth is horrible, distasteful and nasty, and you need to escape.

Let’s say you DO leave. You were strong enough to leave. A few days pass and he calls to apologize and gives some very sound reason for his nasty behavior, and you go back to him.

That is like me going back to the trash and picking up that nasty rum cake ice cream and eating it because I have told myself that I like rum cake, AND I love rum raisin ice cream ….. So I SHOULD love RUM CAKE ice cream. I force myself to swallow that distasteful ice cream because of some strange reasoning that I make up in my head.

Let me be clear. I know that a person is more important than ice cream. I also know that YOU are too special and lovely to accept nasty behaviors from ANY person. If you were abused as a child and you think that love looks like abuse, think again.

WATCH my TEDxTalk here:

As an adult you have the power to set boundaries that you could not set as a child.
Set your boundaries. They will protect you. When you have clear and clean boundaries, you will know in a flash what is and is not good for you. Try it.

Love and light.

Indrani

(P.S.  Did you like my TEDxTalk?  Please share it with your friends and family.  Let’s start spreading the word to live in peace within our four walls at home.   http://bit.ly/1SMK1NZ)

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/indranislight/

Twitter:  https://twitter.com/Indranis_Light

Instagram:  liveabrighterlife

 

When the system freezes and you accept blame… think again!

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blame imageMy I phone was working well one minute and the next minute it was not working well.
Being the kind of self-blaming person that I am, I immediately assumed that I was doing something wrong. The phone was still making and receiving calls and I could still text and email and I could do an Internet search but when I clicked on a link, the phone would freeze. I recognized the “freezing,” but could not fathom what was going on. I assumed that I was at fault and all of a sudden I had forgotten how to use hyperlinks.

Why would I blame myself so quickly about something so “out of my control?”

The answer to this question is easy. I am used to being blamed for things that do not go well.

In my family of origin, it was always my fault if one of my younger siblings did something wrong. I was the oldest and it was MY responsibility to keep my siblings in line. No one had ever asked me if I wanted the job, I was simply given the responsibility without the power. In my own home I was also blamed if things did not turn out as they should have. I cooked the wrong food if the kids did not eat, or my cooking was not good enough. If a family member became upset with me and I defended myself, then I was somehow to blame for the rift in the family.

People would tell me, “That’s just how the family is.” But no one ever told me, “Well, we know how YOU are, and the thing that happened was NOT right.” Finally I got sick and tired of being blamed for things that were not my fault, and I began to set some boundaries. I have become really good at setting boundaries with others, but not so good with setting boundaries with myself.

Hence, I still succumb to self-blame.

This was the trap I fell into when my phone began to freeze at unexplained moments. I finally took the phone to the Apple Store and sheepishly asked if they knew what was happening. I never expected them to have any answers. I was wrong. The Apple helper immediately recognized the issue and said he could fix it. It would take five minutes. It was a software glitch that was causing the freezing behavior.

I was shocked. I was sad. I was sad because I had so easily accepted the blame of the phone issue. This issue that had absolutely NOTHING to do with me. I hope I remember this lesson the next time I accept blame for something that is not my fault. I encourage you to look at the blame that is freely given to you, and the blame you readily accept. You may even grab blame from others because it’s more comforting to put yourself down than build yourself up.

I hope you give yourself permission to investigate the relationship you have with blame.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

 

 

 

Playing Coy is SO Outdated

Blog, Domestic Violence, energy, Uncategorized, women, , ,

UndecidedRecently, I was attending a meeting with some pretty influential folks.  I was only a guest and I was so happy to be included.

During the course of the meeting as the participants went around the table offering solutions to the issues at hand, I noticed there was one woman who absolutely refused to answer questions directly.  She giggled and acted coy (dipping her chin and batting her eyes), and would not give a straight answer to some very simple questions.

The questions were as simple as, “Do you want lunch?” She would dip her head and make a surprise face as if to say, “Who me, want lunch?…. giggle, giggle!” And, still would not say “Yes” or “No.” The person asking the questions was getting quite frustrated with the way it was going.

This behavior really bothered me and I had to think long and hard about why I was so bothered.

Everyone has their own way of decision-making. Some people need lots of thinking time while others can jump right in. This was not a meeting that required thinking time. It really was a quick get together of many partners to decide how an event would go.  It really was a series of yes and no questions that needed to be asked and answered so that people could know what to expect and how to prepare.

I decided I was frustrated because the woman who was being indecisive was holding up all the rest of us. Everyone was staring at her for ONE simple answer.

The more people stared, the more coy she became.

She did not stand in her power. She acted like she had no power, or even like she never heard of the word power. She had no agency. She wanted others to read her mind, or infer from her behaviors what her response would be.

It was really frustrating.

The next time you are involved with a group trying to decide something, ask yourself if you are standing in your power.

Are you bringing all the parts of yourself to the meeting?

Are you there to make it easy for your other team members or to complicate things? Are you holding back information that is crucial to the team for one reason or another?
This meeting is still fresh in my mind and I can still feel the frustration. It was just ONE person acting like this who was holding up the whole show.

Don’t be “that” person.

Be the person who wants to be part of an effective team. Life is so much better with people who show up to make things easier and smoother. We have enough obstacles in our lives that we cannot control, so let us control the way we behave, and show up to participate in helpful ways.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Children Who Are Being Raised in the Smart Phone Era

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1031_minIndrani recently posted a story on her Facebook page that launched an interesting conversation and dialog about what Indrani witnessed between a mother and her little girl at the airport. Here is the story:

At the Gate at LaGuardia.

“A little girl 7 or 8 is trying to get her moms attention. The mother is SO into her phone and she rebuffs the child at every turn.
The child tries to kiss her arm and the mom moves the arm.
The child squirms and asks a question… the woman barks,‘stop squirming!’… never looking up from the phone.
The grandma says, ‘honey don’t bother your mom.’
The girl looks really sad.

I look at the girl and I lean down so I can make eye contact and say, ‘hey I have some coloring pages and I am going to let you tear a few out, and I will give you some of my color pencils, too.’

The mom looks up. She says, ‘oh, she has coloring.’

I ignore the mom. I am focused on the child.

I give her my coloring book and tell her to tear as many as she wants out.

I show her the pencils and she shows me hers.

She starts to tear out the pages she likes, and the mom says, ‘Be careful.’
I say, ‘It’s only paper, if it tears get another.’

Now the mom is off the phone and talking to the kid.
All I did was break the damn ‘phone trance.’

 Here is some of the dialog that transpired on Indrani’s post:

 Facebook friend: “It can be helpful. It’s also good to remember that sometimes, because of the way our culture has broken down, the mom may be at the end of 3 days of overwhelm, of nothing but kid, and is just needing a few minutes to zone out. She may also be trying to communicate with someone on the other end of their journey. Or…

I’ve stopped judging parents when I see them in a few moments of “imperfect parenting” because, hey, we don’t know the background.”

Facebook friend: “As Mark mentions, judging may be off-the-mark, however you certainly offered love in the form of attention, paper & pencils. Bravo, Indrani. You illuminate our world with examples of love in action.”

Facebook friend: “Fair point, Mark. But I’d hope a parent with a child that age would have raised the child so that a simple, “Honey, I need a couple minutes to do this” would suffice with a suggestion to do something in the kid’s travel pack of activities. The mom moving her arm really struck me when I read that. I’m trying to think of how I would have internalized that when I was that age, if my mother did that to me. Sometimes, seemingly innocuous in-the-moment gestures have long-lasting impacts.”

Facebook friend: “I agree that it’s important to not judge totally on what you see. Some kids crave attention when mom is on the phone- even if they have discussed it ahead of time, they can be a pest. It is not always easy to be a perfect parent- I remember when I used to judge screaming kids in grocery stores- until I had my own. But good for you for helping at that moment.”

Facebook friend: “Thank you for modeling a positive focus on the child Indrani.
Because I’ve seen these kinds of posts from you before, it helped me shift from judging a mother to “how can I add something positive for her child?” when I saw a frustrated mom in an imperfect parenting moment.

The time came when the girl was fingering the silver chain on my purse, which was sitting on the table in a coffee shop. I’d noticed she had sparkly silver shoes on, and said “Oh I really like your shoes! And they match my purse!” She got a big smile and I felt I’d given her a positive boost.

As others have said, we don’t know the background and how many meltdowns that woman may have handled beautifully in the last 24 hours. Or that maybe she was recovering from the flu. Or has a sick elderly parent. Or has worked 60 hours that week.”

There are more comments, so if you’re interested in the entire dialog, click on this link: http://bit.ly/236GVvx

Are you a parent of small children? Or have you witnessed a parent do this with their child? What are your thoughts on the self-care of parents, and how we can improve our relationship with our young children in this new age of technology?

Please comment below, or visit our Facebook page, or Twitter and tell us what you think?

 

Love & Light,

 

Team ILF

What is the Caregiver Project?

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Some of you are wondering what our Caregiver Project is all about.  Well, let’s start by defining the word, “Caregiver.”  There are a few variations of the definition, but this is the one that best fits our mission:

“Relatives, friends, or professionals who provide a wide range of paid, or unpaid care to dependent relatives, friends and/or people needing physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual support. Caregiving is the action of providing care to these individuals.”

Caregiving can include:

  • Emotional and social support (e.g. visiting, transportation, talking about emotions)
  • Finding and accessing services (e.g. housing, medical supports)
  • Behavioral support (e.g. communicating effectively, managing challenging behaviors)
  • Financial help (e.g. financial support, managing finances)
  • Practical assistance with basic activities of daily living (e.g. housekeeping, shopping, meal preparation)
  • Personal care (e.g. help with monitoring medication, bathing)
  • Physical help (e.g. assistance with movement, supervision, direct medical care)

Overarching all of these activities, caregiving is the assumption of responsibility for providing care, along with the concern, worry and emotional involvement this entails.

Why is ILF involved with the Caregivers at women’s shelters?

Early last year, the founder of ILF, Indrani Goradia, began talking with the staff of shelter facilities who were caring for victims of violence.  They began sharing their concerns for the high turnover rate of staff within their organizations, and the burnout that naturally happens due to the nature of this work.

Indrani quickly went into action.  She knew if we were losing these passionate people who work with victims of violence, we could lose the shelters, or cut the number of women, men, and children who need be housed.   Now, how could ILF help?  We can train and educate the shelter staff (the Caregivers) how to keep from burning out.

 

What we teach the Caregivers?

  • Our trainers are teaching the caregivers about different tools they can use for self-care, and lead a more balanced life.
  • We educate caregivers on how to recognize their own triggers of shame, guilt, and humiliation that effect their work and personal lives.
  • We help them improve their personal boundaries, and how to say “No” to things that compromise their well-being.
  • And we remind them that they matter, that they are loved, and that they are “seen,” for the work they do.

 

Where can we teach the Caregiver Project?

  • We can send our trainers to anywhere in the United States, and some areas of Canada.
  • We teach in women’s shelters and organizations that directly have contact with victims of violence.
  • We are currently training ILF trainers all over the world to help us reach the caregivers in other countries.

 

How much does the training cost?

We offer the Caregiver Training at NO COST to the shelter or organization.  We do, however, rely on donations to fund the 2-day training class. The training requires two certified ILF trainers, and the cost for travel, transportation, food, supplies, and pay for the entire training is approximately $5,000.00.

How can you help us with the Caregiver Project?

  • You can SPREAD THE WORD! Use social media, email, or mention us at a party or event. (facebook.com/indranislight  Twitter: @indranis_light)
  • You can BECOME AN ILF TRAINER! We will be offering the Train-the-Trainer Course every year to certify trainers to teach our ILF curriculum to their own communities and shelters.
  • You can DONATE! Here is where you can donate ANY AMOUNT to help our Caregiver Project, or any other area of our mission to end domestic violence.

 

We need your feedback. 

  1. What do you think of the project?
  2. Is this something you would love to support?
  3. How would you like to support us?
  4. What more could we do?

 

If you have already supported our mission in any way, we want to extend our deepest gratitude.  If you would like to do more, or maybe you haven’t taken the step to support us yet, please reach out to our Director of Education and Training, Amy Dier, at amy@indranislight.org.  She will be more than happy to talk with you about your options.

 

Love & Light,

 

Team ILF

 

Can you hear me NOW?

Domestic Violence, , , , , ,

UntitledWe are all so familiar with this line, are we not?
Some brilliant marketer created these FIVE words that mean what they say.

Can YOU hear me now?

I am sitting down today, it is a bright sunny day where I am, and my heart is heavy.
My heart is heavy because of the reason I am writing this post to you.

I NEED your help.

I need your help so we can give the Privilege of saying these FIVE words to someone in need.  There are women who need to be able to say these words and many more words like:

“HELP, he is going to KILL me! Send the Police.” 

OR

“This is Johnny’s Momma, do not let his father take him out of school, he is threatening to kill him.”

OR

“Hi Mom, just wanted you to know that we got out, we are all safe.”

Untitled

Here is where I need your help ….

I need your OLD and UNUSED cell phones.  Indrani’s Light Foundation is teaming up with Verizon HopeLine to put cell phones into the hands of abused women so they have a lifeline to emergency services.

Will you take a few moments to:

  1. Look around your home and gather old phones for us?
  2. Send this email to your friends so that they can do the same?
  3. Send the phones to:  http://vz.to/1pumJWm

Please help us to help many others.  Can you hear HEAR me now? We want to hear her…… We want to see her….. We want to BE there for her.

Love and light,

 

Indrani

 

When it’s NOT your fault…Do not accept the blame.

Blog, energy, life, , , , , ,

stop-565609_640I know how to use a pump at the gas station. I have been doing it for 33 years.  So when I pull up at a pump, exit my car, open my gas tank and insert my credit card, I KNOW what to expect.

This is what happens

Is this credit or debit?
Push the button next to the choice.

Enter Zip code on the keypad below
I punch in the Zip code that I have had for 20 years!

I know what happens next ….
The screen tells me to fill up with the fuel of my choice…
Except when it does NOT and kicks me back to the “Insert Card Here” screen.

Oh, I think to myself I must have made a mistake, my brain says, you did not make a mistake… But the screen tells me to start again, so I start again.

Credit or debit?
Enter Zip code.
Screen again kicks me back to “Insert Card here.”

Dear Reader, now I am perplexed, so I try again 3 more times and on the third time I slow down my process at a  s n a i l’s pace.  And I am intentional about each choice and I read the screen out loud, so I look like a crazy person but I am already feeling quite crazy!

I begin to enter the Zip code
Let’s say it’s 12345
I enter
1
The screen says
1
I enter 2
The screen says 12
I enter 3
The screen says
12
YES you read that right
I enter 3 again
The screen says 12
I enter 3 4
The screen says 124 but it should say 1234
Oh, I see, the fault is in the screen and the system NOT with me.
I smile.

Jump into the car, go to another pump and now we are good to go.

As soon as I get into the car, I make notes to myself so I can remember to write a blog about what is and is not our fault.

This is what I wrote…
“Gas station keypad bells and whistles work but numbers are wrong. ”

It occurred to me that this is often what happens when there is miscommunication that often leads to violence.

Person A says ONE
Person B hears Won
Person A says TWO
Person B hears TOO

The sounds are the same but whatever person B is hearing makes NO sense at all…

Won Too?

Who won what? Somebody else also won something, somebody else, won too?

Person A continues to speak and says THREE.

Person B is still wondering about who won what and who else was there and what did they win too…

Person A says EIGHT

Person B hears ATE

Who won what, who ate what, what the heck is going on?

We must be able to recognize situations where things LOOK like they  work, or should work, but in reality things are really quite broken on the inside.

We cannot know that the brand new shiny man approaching us is broken on the inside or that he has a tendency to hit and curse at his “loved” ones because they don’t follow his commands.

Why do I use the words “command?”

I use the word Command, because a true question allows the responder to say a full and complete NO without need for explanation or guilt.

When we say NO, and the receiver of that NO becomes enraged and abusive, it is exactly like that electric screen at the gas station… You have input a value, in this case a NO, and the person who is hearing the NO, cannot receive it or process it, and things get crazy.

Something is broken in that person AND and it is NOT your job to fix it.

It may be your job to RUN!

I do hope that this makes sense to you, let me know what you think.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Brighter Life Bit #33: Self-full vs. Selfish

Podcast,

ILF_Wtagline_Logo rgbWelcome to this Brighter Life Bit #33.  For this lesson, you can listen to the original teaching at the 1:18:00 minute mark of the Class 5 recording. You can download the audio from the ILF website here.

Self-full vs. Selfish – Indrani shares a story that will help you understand the difference.  

Examples:

 

  • What can you do to restore yourself?
  • Do you believe if you go get a massage instead of your partner, that you are being selfish?
  • Can you really feel “Self-Full” if you ask for what you want, or need?

 

Exercise:

  • Get up off of your chair or couch, and start marching in place.  It sounds silly, but give yourself a few minutes of exercise and clear your head.
  • Have a conversation with your best friend or partner, and ask them to give you permission to do something for yourself and not have to feel guilty, or selfish.

Take action, and begin to THRIVE, not survive.

Share your experience with us.  What did you add to your calendar? Share your comments below this post.

 

Should I Score YOUR story?

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I make it a daily habit to go onto Facebook and examine the lives and experiences of the people in my community.  Although it’s part of my job as a social media specialist for Indrani’s Light Foundation to dive into social media about life events, on occasion, I have been guilty of “comparing” my story to other life stories.  I find stories in my community that make my story seem like a cakewalk…. meaning that I feel guilty for believing I have suffered in my life.

I begin to give my story a score, from 1 to 10.

score image

Let me give you an example ….

I suffer from PTSD syndrome due to a few events that happened to me in the past.  I face many triggers, sometimes on a daily basis …. sometimes in my dreams that show up as nightmares.  BUT, I feel guilty about sharing my story with others.  Why?  Because I may end up talking to someone who is currently fighting for their lives after being diagnosed with stage IV cancer, or someone who was brutally gang raped as a young woman, or a man who was locked in a coffin as a child to face his discipline, and was sexually abused by his orphan caretakers on a daily basis.  My story seems to pale in comparison to theirs.

“Based on these friends’ stories …. I give my own story a 3.”

Where did I learn that we, as humans need to measure our feelings? If our lives are not measured, then it doesn’t exist, right?

Here is where I get vulnerable.

Now, I also find myself, on occasion, judging others about their stories by comparing them to my own story.  Yes, I’m human.  Yes, I feel guilty about this, too.  When I read someone’s Facebook post that complains about their job, and how they don’t feel appreciated for their work.  My mind begins to wander with thoughts such as:

“Oh that’s a bummer {sarcastically}  Well, try losing your dream job because your newly promoted sexist, homophobic supervisor is on a mission to fire you from your 20 year career just because you are a gay woman, and causes you to file a federal law suit that will last for 4 ½ years …. and will eventually be settled out of court, and meanwhile you will never be able to return to your dream career because you have been “blacklisted” by other agencies.”

“Based on this friend’s “job” story … I give my story a 10.”

Have YOU been secretly scoring other people’s stories?  Are you brave enough to admit it?  Notice I am NOT scoring the other person’s story…. Just my own.  Should I give theirs a score?  Should I score YOUR story?

The answer to this question is a resounding, “NO!”

Comparing my life to others has been a daily journey, and I work at staying empathetic to everyone’s feelings and experiences.  Most of the time I battle with feelings around why I shouldn’t complain, or feel badly about ANYTHING in my life.

“There are children starving all over the world.”

“A parent just lost his child in a car accident.”

“Women are being raped and beaten every day.”

My story, and your story, should never be compared to any other story. Your stories, and the effect they have on your life should only be scored in relation to how they make YOU feel, not anyone else. If what you are experiencing right now is, for you, a 10 on the painful story scale, then that is true for you, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

I have learned a great deal from Indrani Goradia and Dr. Brené Brown about being vulnerable and speaking my truth.  I practice empathy on a daily basis, and I have compassion for peoples’ stories, at any level.  I have even arrived at, what Brené Brown calls, “excruciating vulnerability,” and have begun the process of “deconstructing shame.”  (Listen to Brené’s TED talk here).

I invite you to pursue this simple “Call to Action” right now.  Go to our website, and listen to the “Live-A-Brighter-Life” podcasts.  You can also find them on iTunes.  Within our teachings, we will give you the tools to help you reach out, speak your truth, and find shame resilience.  YOU are worthy.  YOU are loved.  YOU matter.

 

With love & light,

Amy Dier
Director of Education & Training | Indrani’s Light Foundation

 

Brighter Life Bit #32: The Difference between Surviving and Thriving

Podcast, , ,

ILF_Wtagline_Logo rgbWelcome to Brighter Life Bit #32.  For this lesson, you can listen to the original teaching at the 56:40 minute mark of the Class 5 recording. You can download the audio from the ILF website here.

What is the difference between surviving and thriving?  Which would you choose?

Examples:

  • Which one have you been choosing?
  • Can you recognize when you are surviving rather than thriving?
  • What can you do to begin to thrive?

Exercise:

  • Write down a list of things you can do to begin to thrive.
  • Now get on your calendar and schedule a massage, or a walk every other day, or go have that tea date with your friend you haven’t seen in awhile who lights you up.

Take action, and begin to THRIVE, not survive.

Share your experience with us.  What action will you take to thrive in life? Share your comments below this post.