Tag Archives: domestic violence

I am an activist to end violence against women: Part 3 – The Rape

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How has my personal story been sitting with you so far?  My hope is to help you begin your journey of healing shame, and become the activist you desire to be!  Meanwhile, I’m taking a DEEP BREATH.  What I’m about to tell you will help me “Live-A-Brighter-Life.”  This is the vulnerable place that Brené Brown talks about. This is the place where Indrani Goradia encourages me to be brave.

UntitledSo, in the Part 1 blog I slightly touched on my story of being raped as a young teenager.  As a young girl, I was walking tall, confident, and very secure in myself as I entered into the high school scene.  I was involved in all of the sports, highly regarded in my church, played many instruments in our school band, and never broke “the rules.”  My parents were known as responsible and loving people, who were living the blue collar “American Dream.”  But as we know so often, many of these kinds of families are hiding a secret.  Our secret was I had an older brother who was suffering from his own demons of a mental illness and drug abuse.  This was back in the 70’s and 80’s when families rarely talked about their private lives.  As you can imagine, I made sure I was the “good little girl,” and wanted to make sure I never disappointed my parents, my community, or my church.

In my youth, I was taught that being a “good little girl” meant that you should help people, and do the things God would want you to do here on earth.  I thought that was a reasonable request, so I set out doing my best to do JUST that.  I had found and befriended a teenage boy who was older than me, and living in a challenging home situation.  I continued a friendship with him against my father’s wishes.  You see, my parents had some kind of gut feeling about this boy that I wasn’t aware of.  So (on a rare decision to disobey my father) I decided to go to this friend’s house and invite him to church.  This is where my nightmare began, and did not end for 30 years.

Many of you reading this article right now can completely relate to this story.  Certain feelings are stirring up in you, and you can understand the rush of trauma I was experiencing during and after I was raped.  Some of you have been raped, sodomized, or sexually abused in your life.  You know the feelings of guilt, shame, humiliation, denial, anger, confusion, betrayal, uncertainty, and grief about the loss of innocence that was taken from you.  The nightmares have been haunting you for years, and your entire existence revolves around this suffering.  And then the biggest question of your lifetime…. Do you tell anyone what happened to you?

I made it home somehow that horrific day, crept into the shower, and felt frozen in my body.  I made the painfully conscious decision that I could not tell my parents, or report what had happened.  I had disobeyed my parents, and “this is what I deserved.”  I told my best friend at the time, and throughout the years I have felt obligated to tell my partners.  My parents found out just a few years ago about my rape, and even after a 30-year career in law enforcement and private investigations, I could not NAME my feelings about what had happened to me.

UntitledIt’s been almost four years since I received the opportunity to start REALLY healing from my rape.  When I began to tell my story, the grip it had on me began to release.

What story is gripping you tight?  What story is holding you hostage?  I had not been open to therapy…. Ever!  But through the encouragement and help of people I trusted, I began to see a therapist for my PTSD.

At Indrani’s Light Foundation, we encourage our community to reach out to the people they trust if they need help.  In module 4 of the “Live-A-Brighter-Life” workshop series, we teach about “Finding Resilience.”  Indrani teaches that separating and insulating yourself from others is a petri dish for shame.  Brené Brown’s book, “Daring Greatly,” is my new Bible now, and as I continue to teach Indrani’s “Live-A-Brighter-Life” curriculum, I continue to heal my shame.

Part 4 of my blog series is coming up next.  If you’ve been a victim of discrimination, or have ever been shamed or treated differently because of your race, sex, religion, disability, sexual orientation, or any other situation, I encourage you to keep following my blog series.  I lost my beloved career because I was a woman, and a lesbian.  I will talk about how I coped with this loss, when the grieving process began, and how I have come to understand this trauma.

 

With love & light,

Amy

Have you earned the “look” in your child’s eye?

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child-636022_640The look of love
The look of fear
The look of contempt

Those looks you hate?

It may not be their fault.

It may be because of the choices you made, the choices WE made as parents of these incredible children we have been given.

As a child, sustaining repeated and persistent abuse, I had a significant thought…

Why did you have me?

This took many other word forms such as:

Why did you have a child?
Why did you have another child?

I am not blaming the way children turn out on their caregivers; I am reminding caregivers to make better choices so that we can say that we tried our very best when our children have the “looks” that are “cringeworthy.”

We must try our best every minute of every day.

It is on us. Every ONE of us. All the time.
 

Love and light,

Indrani

She was stealing food…

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Image terimakasih0 via PixabayI spoke to a social worker when I was in Trinidad in October, and I heard about a child who was brought to her office by her guardian with a bag of clothing. The guardian is the legal guardian and a very close family member. The social worker was told that the child was stealing food. The child was a very young teenager and was emaciated and clearly hungry.  There was no place for the child to go so the child was sent back to the house with the guardian.

A few weeks later, the whole scene repeated itself.  The social worker again sent the child back.

This story really left me feeling helpless.

Often times I am talking about past abuses and guiding the teller of the abuse story through the pain, and into a deeper understanding of their present power instead of a powerless past.

This was so very different.

This is clear and present danger and pain that was being experienced by a young person that I could meet. I could make a significant difference here. Yet, I choose to keep working at the global level and to use my time and energy to try to make changes at a different level.

I will reach out to that social worker to see how I can contribute to the care and feeding of that child, but I must do this from a safe distance. If I get too personally involved I stand the chance of derailing my whole path because I will get way too deep in the problem, and can potentially make the situation very much worse. This is very hard to accept.

Unless I am willing to step in to legally adopt this young teenager in a different country and devote my life to her future, I can only help in different ways.

When we face situations like this in life, we can only really do what we can do. If we need to work from a safe distance, that is the decision we must make.

If we can do something deeper and significantly contribute to the situation we can choose that path. The option is NEVER to beat yourself up about what we “could” have done or “should” have done.  To be this centered in difficult decisions like this we must practice this centeredness in other less difficult aspects of life.

Luckily for us, life gives us many opportunities to practice centeredness …. from ordering from a menu, to choosing an internet provider, to dealing with the technical advisor of said internet provider who has such a thick accent, we just want to bang our heads with the device we are trying to trouble shoot.  You get the picture.

Look around you and attempt to deal with the next small irritant with a deeper level of groundedness and presence.

Maybe it requires you to use your ears more than your mouth. Maybe you get to use your mouth but in the complete opposite way, like whispering instead of yelling, or smiling in the face of the instigator instead of scowling, pouting. Maybe you decide to use your feet and leave a hostile situation instead of staying and begging the others to please, please, please see it your way.

Only you can decide what to do.

Expect to make mistakes and expect pushback. Pushback is really good because it tells you that you are making waves in the status quo.  If you want to quick start this practice, look at the status quo of your life and see what you would like to change then start there.

In my case, the status quo of my life was that of a “stay at home mom,” very little travel and a very confined, albeit very comfortable, world.  These days, my status quo is a far cry from yesteryear.

Take a breath.

Make a small change.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

I am an activist to end violence against women: Part 2

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In Part I of this blog series, I left off with how Indrani Goradia, and the work of Brené Brown changed my life and launched me into the world as an activist. Who knew I could be an activist? Did I really know what it meant to be an “activist.” So first, let’s define the word, “activist.”

“Activist”

An activist is a person who campaigns for some kind of social change. When you participate in a march protesting the closing of a neighborhood library, you’re an activist. Someone who’s actively involved in a protest or a political or social cause can be called an activist.

I don’t know about you, but this is a strong word for me that holds a lot of power and responsibility in the world. I was scared and felt vulnerable to even admit that this word was calling me. Who am I to be an activist? What can I offer the world that can help hundreds, thousands, or even millions of women around the globe. Or, who am I, to help just ONE woman? Well, here are the answers to my questions…. I am worthy, I am loved, and I matter.

Do something for me right now. It’s a very quick exercise. Say out loud, “I am worthy, I am loved, and I matter.”

What feeling, or feelings came up for you when you said those words? I can share with you that I was barely able to get those words out of my mouth, and I definitely felt uncomfortable, and incapable of loving myself. I asked myself, “Where in the hell did this come from?” I love people, I love to serve, I love to take care of others, so why didn’t I give a damn about myself?

amy indraniThis is where Indrani Goradia entered my life in September of 2013. I was at Andrea J. Lee’s, Wealthy Thought Leader Conference in Baltimore, MD ….. and Indrani appeared on the big screen with a personal video message for all of us who were seeking to help end gender based violence. Now, due to my training and experience as a police officer, it was difficult to get me physically or emotionally excited about things. I was good at keeping my feelings hidden, and I certainly didn’t cry unless I absolutely had to. But when I saw Indrani’s face, heard the passion in her voice, and listened to the “call to action,” my heart started to beat rapidly …. I had that fluttering feeling in my chest, and my hands started to sweat. I tried to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes, but they began to stream down my cheeks. It was then I knew Indrani’s Light Foundation was in my future … I just didn’t know when, or how.

10272679_10152456770534048_8792785988925842137_oFast forwarding to 2014, I decided to listen to my inner warrior and become involved with ILF. I signed up and participated in the Live-A-Brighter-Life teleconference class that spring. I was so impacted by the curriculum that I was the first person to sign up for the 2014 Train-the-Trainer Course in Austin, TX.   I became a certified ILF Trainer, and started teaching the workshops to my own community in Portland, OR.

In the Live-A-Brighter-Life curriculum, Indrani includes the work of Dr. Brené Brown. This is where everything shifted for me around my guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment with being a rape survivor, a victim of discrimination, and my bankruptcy. THERE it was all along! “SHAME.” I realized before I could be an activist to end violence against women in the world, I had to practice the four elements of shame resilience that Indrani teaches in her Live-A-Brighter-Life workshop. Brené Brown tells us we need to:

  • Recognize our shame and understand its triggers
  • Practice critical awareness
  • Reach out and connect with people, and own your story
  • And speak about your shame, while asking people what you need from them

Are you asking yourself how YOU can start practicing these things, and begin the journey of healing? Well maybe the “Readers Digest” version of my life story can help you put a plan together and start your work as an activist for women.

Part 3 of this guest blog series is on its way. Meanwhile, I’d love to hear from you and the feelings that came up for you while you were reading this blog. There is no shame or judgment here. You can begin your journey of healing right now.

 

With deepest gratitude,

 

Amy Dier
Director of Education & Training

 

 

 

 

 

I am an activist to end violence against women: Part I

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UntitledI’ve always had a passion for helping women who have suffered abuse of any kind.  Why did I choose this particular passion?  I am a rape survivor.  As a young teenager, I fell victim to an older teenager who preyed upon my kindness of wanting to help him with his “demons” by inviting him to church.  He disappeared after the rape, and I chose not to report the rape to police, or my parents for many heart-wrenching reasons.  I told my best friend at the time, but my nightmares only seemed to get worse.

I did, however, make sure I got into the front seat of a police car as a police cadet soon after I was raped.  I felt safe, and I believed I could help other girls and women if I was a police officer.

As a police officer, I made every effort to handle the domestic violence calls, the reports of Untitledrape, sex abuse, or teenage girls who were being abused by their parent or guardian.  I investigated every case with a fine tooth comb, dotted every “i,” crossed every “t,” and wanted justice for girls and women who cried out for help.

What I COULDN’T do in my 20 years in law enforcement, was advocate for the girls and women who DID NOT, or COULD NOT seek help.  Police officers must remain objective, and are ethically held by the rules of law.  I did what I could to encourage these women and girls to report their abusers, but that was the extent of my power.

UntitledAfter 20 years in law enforcement, I became a private investigator, and working criminal defense cases came with this territory.  After being a defense investigator during these abuse cases, I became acutely aware of both sides of the stories.  After interviewing and representing multiple “alleged” abusers, many of them told me their family history, the abuse they, themselves, suffered as children, and the demons they fought for most of their lives.  Many of these men admitted their guilt and asked for help.  Other abusive men admitted their guilt, but showed no remorse, and believed the woman “deserved what she got.”

UntitledNow that I’m retired from law enforcement and private investigations, I was left with confusing thoughts, beliefs, and judgments, with no clear answer of why men are so abusive to women in our world.  The latest statistic from the United Nations is that 1 out of every 3 women will suffer abuse on this planet.  This is a staggering pandemic.  This means that YOU, or someone you know … a sister, mother, grandmother, aunt, cousin, best friend, or daughter ….. has suffered some form of abuse.  Maybe you are the abuser? Maybe you were a victim of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse as a child? Or maybe you are being abused now. Where do you go for help?  Who do you trust?

In the next “Part 2” blog series, I will share how Indrani Goradia, Indrani’s Light Foundation, and Brené Brown came into play for me.  Meanwhile, I’m feeling vulnerable about sharing my story this way, so I’d love some feedback about how this blog is resonating with you.   Do you have a similar story?  Do you have mixed feelings about becoming an activist?  Tell me your thoughts.

 

With deepest gratitude,

Amy
Director of Education & Training
Indrani’s Light Foundation

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year 2016! A Special Video Message from Indrani

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Happy New Year Everyone!  2016 is upon us, and it’s time to move forward with new ideas, new resolutions, and hope of a great year.  But don’t forget to reflect on the best of 2015, and how you will use the lessons of 2015 to manifest a year of unimaginable dreams!

Indrani has a special New Year’s video message for you.  It’s only a couple of minutes long, so take a look, and know that Indrani’s Light Foundation is ramping up the fight to END domestic violence in 2016!

Take the “My 4 Walls” Pledge here

Don’t forget to share this message with your friends and family on our Facebook page, and on Twitter @Indranis_light

#My4WallsPledge

Much love and light,

Team ILF

LABL Podcast #20: Finding Joy with Andrea Scher

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ILF_Wtagline_Logo rgbWelcome to Episode #20 of the Live a Brighter Life Podcast!

In this episode of the Live a Brighter Life Podcast Indrani speaks with Andrea Scher. You will learn:

  • Andrea’s personal story and experience with “hiding her light” as a child.
  • How Andrea practices encourage and compassion to live “big.”
  • What is the difference between joy and happiness?
  • Are you measuring your “joy factor?” Are you “joyful” enough?

Indrani looks at how she can use this teaching to help women live a brighter, more joyful life.

andrea_inherimage_hands_497A little about Andrea Scher
Andrea Scher is the creator of Superhero Life where she believes we all learn together to use our voices, share our superpowers and live life in full color. As an artist, photographer, life coach + mentor, Andrea redefines what it means to be a SUPERHERO — ‘cause in her world, it’s got nothing to do with capes, spandex or sidekicks and everything to do with tenderness, intuition & baby steps of bravery.  See more at www.superherolife.com

 
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Why Did I Speak at TEDxPortOfSpain?

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I have devoted a large part of my life speaking up against abuse towards women and children. I am so grateful to have been invited by TEDxPortOfSpain to speak about this unspeakable topic. Children are beaten with impunity in Trinidad, as in other places.

You can watch my TEDx Talk here.

And adults even boast about the beatings they HAD to give.

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I spoke to a group of local high school students from 11th and 12th grades, and one of the girls said that her little 10-year-old brother “asks” for abuse when he annoys or frustrates her. This allowed me to address the statement, “You asked for this” when (insert behavior of person being beaten) takes place and the abuser then gives themselves absolute permission to abuse with impunity.

These very adults will even go to work the next day and openly tell about the beatings they “had to give” because the offending person was “asking” for it because of the offensive behavior that was displayed.

Children are expected to know all manner of mature behaviors …. to never make mistakes or have accidents like spilling milk, or breaking household items.  But adults do not expect themselves to exercise mature restraint when dealing with children.  Children, therefore, by their very nature of being a child and being childish, will be accused of having “asked” for a beating.

We must have public dialogue and discourse if we are to change attitudes about child abuse.

One mother came up to me after the TEDxPortOfSpain talk with tears in her eyes and said she beats her 12-year-old and wants to stop.

She asked me how to stop.

I told her very clearly that the only way to stop is to STOP.  We cannot “phase out” abuse. It is not like trying to stop drinking too much coffee by drinking one less cup per week until the body gets used to less caffeine.

A child who is being beaten needs to feel a complete ABSENCE of the beatings for them to understand that abuse has ended. Furthermore, the abuse has to stay GONE and must be replaced with positive behaviors from the offensive caregiver. Children must be taught that they are worthy of love just as they were taught that they were unworthy and therefore abused.

The adult who is doing the abuse may be able to say they are ” hitting less,” but the child cannot comprehend “less.” Only “NO More Hitting” makes sense. I could see the pain on the face of the mother who came up to me. She carried on the generational abuse because she thought it appropriate.

If we can all speak up in favor of measured responses and alternate ways to address the behaviors of both children and parents, we may have a bigger chance of ending this disease of abuse.

We must mainstream this conversation.

We need to educate girls who are being abused to not accepting abuse as girlfriends and wives.

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We need to show how abuse in childhood links those abusive behaviors to the populations in jails and to the prevalence of abuse in their childhood homes.
One other young mother I met said she only does a small slap to the leg of the 3-year-old and only once.

She said she can see the child’s face, and see how shocked and scared she becomes. The mother even sees “the slap comes out of the blue” as far as the child is concerned because she can see the surprise and the subsequent hurt in the child’s face.

I know, from personal and persistent experience that abused children learn very quickly that the offending caregivers are NOT safe people and while we say we still love them, we know in our hearts we do not trust them.

The adult in me wonders if we can truly love those we do not trust. Perhaps we simply “mouth” the words, “Love You” because the words are culturally acceptable and it is not so acceptable to say, “I am unsafe with you and I do not know what I feel about you.”

I know as an adult if I have a history of people treating me inappropriately I keep them at arms length and always have an exit plan. My trust in them as a safe place disappears and can never return.

Children are not sophisticated enough to have this skill and they are also powerless to do anything about their environment.

We really have to keep the dialogue alive and we all have to be a part of ending violence in our own homes.
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Let us step up.  Share this story AND my TEDx Talk with your family and community.  We are all in this together.  Together we are mighty!

You can watch my TEDx Talk here.

 

Love and light,
 

Indrani

Indrani Goradia Speaks at TEDxPortOfSpain

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This week, Team ILF is thrilled to announce the public release of Indrani’s TEDx Talk from the Port Of Spain.

This was a “once in a lifetime opportunity” for Indrani to speak to the world about making spanking and corporal punishment a thing of the past, and challenges people to bring peace into their homes.

Indrani brought several ordinary household items onto the stage, such as a shovel, a hammer, a wooden spoon, and a belt.  They were portrayed as instruments of torture and weapons.  The quote from a parent such as, “I’m beating you for your own good,” is a LIE.

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Let’s stop the cycle of abuse in our communities, and we need YOUR help to make this change.  Indrani’s Light Foundation and other organizations that have a mission to end domestic violence cannot do this work alone.  It takes ALL of us to share the message and educate our generations how to discipline our children without using violence.

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Now that you have watched Indrani’s TEDx Talk (if you haven’t watched yet, scroll up and watch it now) share it with your own friends, family, and community. Post this on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter….. share with everyone!  We would love your comments and feedback below ….. what are your thoughts about this message?
 

Much love & light,
 

Team ILF

The 3 Silent Killers of Domestic Violence

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This is part five of the TEDx Talk blog series, as we countdown to the public release of Indrani’s TEDxPortofSpain Talk.

“When we speak up against violence to women and children we are faced with the undertow of the status quo. A status quo that CLAIMS the RIGHT to beat our women and children.

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We hear comments like:

This is MY woman and I can do whatever I want
This is MY child and I can do whatever I want
This is MY house and I control everybody here.

A recent survey of 800 households was done here in Trinidad and the majority of children interviewed held the belief that their parents had the RIGHT to beat them and that they expected to be beaten.

When one of us DARES to speak up about child abuse, we are faced with swimming against the tides of IGNORANCE AND THE STATUS QUO of raising children.

When we continue to speak up and against child abuse we are faced with ferocious undertows called

Culture
Tradition
Normal

These THREE silent killers are at work every minute of every day across the globe.”

CALL TO ACTION

We need your support! We invite you to click on the social media buttons that appear when you hover over the image above and share this post with your friends, family, and community.  Then ask them to share this blog.  Remember, there is someone out there that you may know who needs to see this TEDx Talk because they are suffering.  Thank you for considering this call to action.

 

With deepest gratitude,

 

 

Team ILF